want to spend
the rest of your life
poem from “Milk & Honey”, written by Rupi Kaur
want to spend
the rest of your life
poem from “Milk & Honey”, written by Rupi Kaur
I`ve been thinking quite a lot about the bullying I went through, about how many of the students at school treated me. It`s not like I`m mad at them or that I hate them. Perhaps I feel a little sorry for them because they so much of their time on putting me down – time they`ll never get back. In ninth grade I wrote an article in the newspaper, in which I said that I`m going to show the bullies the real me. I thought that would be my kind of revenge.
Now that I`m sitting here in my room and realising that I`m in university and that I`m years ahead of what happened, it`s weird. It`s weird that it`s over and that all I have now are memories. Memories full of tears, mean words and looks, but also full of courage and strength. Because the thing is that it did hurt then and it does hurt now, but I didn`t let the pain or whatever happened to me, define me. And God, it hurted me in so many ways that I sometimes thought it was never going to end. A future seemed so far-fetched, that I didn`t really think that much about what life was going to be like after school. Or maybe I did think a lot about it, I just can`t remember it right now. I`m sitting here now thinking “it`s actually really over”.
The bullying ended, we all went our separate ways and went on with our lives. I`m doing okay, even though little Iqra didn`t always believe that. I took my revenge. I didn`t change, I`m still that stubborn girl who`s not afraid to raise her voice. To be honest that`s all that matters. I didn`t let what happened get the best of me. That doesn`t mean what happened hasn`t affected me in any ways or that it`s never going to hurt, but I`ve learned to accept that it`s a part of my past and it really did happen to me.
Now as I`ve moved on, I think of all of you who are being bullied now and are feeling many of the things I felt as a little girl. It`s awful, I know. It`s frustrating, I know. And it hurts too much, I know that too. I know it might seem easy for me to sit here and say “it`s going to be okay” and perhaps you`ve already heard that a million times, but it really does get better. Suddenly you`re going to be in university or you`re going to get married and you`re going to realise that you did well. Not well, you did very well.
As some of you already know, I`m off to Maastricht this autumn as an exchange student. I`m VERY excited and can`t wait to find out what this new adventure has in store for me. Besides studying there, there are maaany things I want to do, like shopping, visit different cities and countries nearby, go to a hairdresser, visit the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam again and other historical places. I still don`t know what`s up next when it comes to the process, but I know I have to figure out certain things the next weeks so I want recommendations and tips from those of you who`ve lived or are currently living in the Netherlands or from those of you who`ve been there for any occasion. I was there for about two days, but didn`t really get to see a lot of the country.
Here`s some information: I`m going to study there for about three months, from ca. the end of August till Christmas in December. The city is Maastricht and… apart from that, I don`t have much sorted out, haha. So: what do you believe I need to know or should know when it comes to the country? What is it like to live and study there? And if you`ve been to, lived or currently are living in Maastricht, do share your experiences! It`s okay too if you`ve studied abroad or lived in another country for some time and want to share your encounterings – I appreciate everything. 🙂
Waking up today was weird and good. My mum`s usually the one who gets up first in the morning, so when I got up today it was very quiet. My mum`s arrived Pakistan safely, by the way! Thank God. Now it`s her time to have a holiday and spend some time with her family.
I came home a while ago after doing some grocery shopping and now I`m going to do some cleaning and then try to make chappatis for the first time.. I feel very responsible, haha. But, that`s what it`s going to be like while my mum is away. Also, I noticed today my Easter vacation is longer than what I first expected! Ah, one day more and I can begin my holiday.
First of all – thank you for the kindness lately. It`s so easy to feel alone about things you go through how you feel, but now I feel a little less alone. I hope some of you do too. ♥
The day is here and my mum is now on her way to Pakistan. I`m happy for her but at the same time: what`s life? Haha, the same old question. There she is, on a plane which is on its way to Islamabad, and here I am, in my safe room. The first 2-3 days are always weird, but after that we get used to it. I`m sure that`ll be the case this time too.
The book I`ve almost finished. Seemed like some of you wanted a review, so that will be up soon! It kind of feels like it`s been a loooong day. I went to the airport with my mum first and then to school. Now I`m going to… tidy the kitchen and listen to the radio. Can`t wait to go to bed tonight.
If you`re here to read a blog which is only full of happiness positivity, photos that are all #inspo or if you`ve come here just to find another always-happy-face on the earth, you`ve come to the wrong place.
I could tell you today`s been amazing, I could show you today`s outfit or click inspirational photos like many others bloggers and act like my life is #goals. But I won`t and I don`t feel like it. It`s not that my life isn`t good. In fact, it`s quite good. But it`s only in the past months that I`ve realised how much your own mind actually can affect you and how much it matters that your own mind is with you. If your mind isn`t in a good place, you yourself aren`t either.
I want my blog to be a place where people can seek inspiration, positivity and a more realistic version of what life can be like. I don`t get inspired by blogs that are all “super-duper-happy” – I get inspired by bloggers that dare to be who they are and say “hey, you know what? Life isn`t perfect, I`m not perfect and that`s how it is”. I get inspired by people who have their own opinions and thoughts and don`t follow others just for the sake of it.
So, I`ll be honest: I`m tired of how I`ve done so much for people who didn`t give me the same back. I`ve given so much of myself and when someone hurted me, I felt like an idiot for believing. For believing that this person was going to at least stay. Maybe because I wanted to believe it was as easy for others as it was for me. Now I`m here asking myself what I got by being so kind to others and doing things for them. I did things I shouldn`t have done and still I did it all – what did I get? Tell me, apart from pain and unfaithfullness, what did I get? I think about this a lot and I don`t have any answers. I tell myself that at least I`m stronger now, I`m kind and I`m going to continue to be kind to people, but tell me: what did I get? I might be stronger now, but it`s also harder for me to trust people. It`s harder for me to trust people`s words and intentions, because I`ve met too many who haven`t meant what they said. It`s sad how things people in the past have done to me, are going to affect people I`m going to meet in the future. The pain`s going to affect how I meet them. It`s become hard for me to trust and share, because there`s always a chance people can use that the wrong way or just leave. I know what it`s like to try your best and give what you can give to other people who after some time aren`t there anymore. I try to tell myself “they must have their reasons”, but how does it help me and my sadness.
I`ve been thinking a lot about this, because I`ve realised how much this actually has been going on. The words “you haven`t done anything for me” hit me. To be honest, they really hit me. What a world we live in. You do things you never really thought you`d do just to make others happy and somehow it ends up being “nothing”. Ah, all I can say is that it hurts, it makes you questions your actions and your heart and you feel like the loser of a losing game. People can say whatever they want to, but when it happens more than once you really wonder how it`s possible. How it`s possible for someone to not see that you do so much for them and sometimes you end up doing less, because that`s how you can protect yourself. At least a little. I get why they do that, because who wants to get hurt?
I thought I didn`t, but here I am. Hurt.
❤️ The final preparations before my mum is off to Pakistan. I find the whole process quite exciting, and while helping I start daydreaming about a trip to Amsterdam of Prague, haha…
❤️ It`s going to be fun to see how especially I and my brother are going to cope while my mum is away! I wonder how the chores and the cooking will go. It`s so weird how we get used to my mum not being around. Last time she was in Pakistan in September 2016, I felt what it`s like to spend some time in the kitchen pretty much every day and cook for someone else. Also, I found myself sitting on the train on my way home thinking “what should I cook for dinner tonight?” Typical housewife thoughts, I`m telling you. This time I want to do some baking and try to make some “chappatis” too. Excited about that!
❤️ Sandra is coming over next week, for the first time. The past year we`ve met sometimes. Last time I was at her house and now it`s her time to visit me.
❤️ Doesn`t necessarily need to be “big things”, little things matter too, as well. So, I`m looking forward to reading some of the books I borrowed a long time ago, but still haven`t read.
❤️ Easter holiday, which is already beginning on Thursday for me. HERE I COME! 😎 I have a lot of studying to do as my first exam is in the beginning of May, but holiday is holiday. Of course I`m going to chill too.
❤️ Do Maastricht-preparations. I told you that the process has began, which meant that I received an e-mail from my exchange-coordinator in which he said that he`s sending a “nomination” to the university I`m going to, which is Maastricht University. “Nomination” basically means sending over information about the students, so my university is letting Maastricht University know how many students there are that are going to study there. I haven`t heard anything from the coordinator or the university, so I`m getting a liiiiittle impatient. Hopefully I`ll get some news and information before Easter!