WHEN I SAW YOU

You`re sitting almost right forward me, to the right. I notice your hair, I notice your eyes and I notice how you`re not really looking at anybody. Most of all I notice how you`re sitting alone.

I don`t know if you`re lonely or not, but like usual I start asking myself a thousand of questions: Who is she? Where is she from? Why`s she alone? Is she lonely? How come I`ve never really seen her? Do people notice too that she`s sitting alone? Maybe I`ve seen her before, but I can`t remember. The teacher`s saying something. I try to focuse, but I can`t help, but think about someone else.

A while later we`re sitting next to each other. But you don`t say hello or smile at me. While reading, it`s like you`re nervous. Extremely nervous. It`s as if your lips are shaking. You`re almost whispering, while you`re looking down. And maybe it`s just silly me, but I`m thinking about someone else.

There used to be this girl at high-school. She used to sit alone too. And I could never really tell if she was lonely or not, but I asked myself: Why wouldn`t anyone in her position feel lonely? She was alone pretty much 90 % of the time. I was her for more than a year and I was so fed up. Why wouldn`t she be fed up? Her classmates didn`t do much to spend time with her or involve her in their groups.

Anyways, this girl reminds me of you. She didn`t really look at people, and she never really talked loudly. She spent time with herself, mainly. Sometimes she used to look at her mobile phone for quite a long while, even though there was nothing interesting going on inside it. And I must say I tried to reach out to her, but I failed. It hurts.

The teacher`s saying something and I wish she would shut up for two minutes, but she won`t so I have to listen to her. But girl, I hope you`re alright and that you`re not lonely. I hope you were just having a bad day. I hope you don`t feel like the girl I met in high-school and I hope you`re not in the same situation as her. From the bottom of my heart – I really do hope so. large-44

MIDLIFE-CRISIS AT THE AGE OF 8

I`m 19.

I don`t know whether I should be happy or sad.

large-76

I`m so young and I know people will tell me to not worry. My whole life`s in front of me. I`m going to meet so many challenging roades, I`m going to meet many interesting people along the way and I`m going to do a lot more with my life than I am right now. I have a whole life ahead of me.

But I don`t have as much time as I wish I had.

When I was 8 or 9, something unexpected happened. Whenever it was bedtime, I started yelling and crying in front of my parents. Little me walked down the stairs, because I didn`t want to sleep. I was scared of death and I was scared that I one day had to leave everyone I cared about. After some days I stopped doing this – God knows how or why. My parents were worried and didn`t understand what has gotten into me. Neither do I till this day, but maybe it was all about realizing that life`s unpredictable, but we all know we`re going to die. Maybe realizing I`m not going to exist one day scared me.

It still scares me.

Some nights I`ve been scared of falling asleep, because I`ve been way too scared to not get up in the morning because I`m dead. Depressing, right? Well, I wouldn`t exactly say I`m depressed. It`s not like I sit on the couch all day and don`t want to do anything because I`m too sad. It`s just that I sometimes get stressed because of these thoughts. They might be gone for some hours, but I have them every single day.

I think having these scary feelings and thoughts might not be that good either, but on the other hand it`s good that I`ve realised that I can`t depend on tomorrow. Life`s too short and I want to make the most out of it. I`m just too scared to have too little time. And I`m so scared of finding the things I`m doing now, pointless. Sometimes I do actually think whatever I`m doing right now is meaningless. There are so many things I want to see, experience, taste and feel and I just don`t want life to be over. Turning 19 made me realise I`m actually already 19 and that I`m going to die very soon. Of course that`s not the case, but I`d like to think it is. I believe I reached the midlife crisis already when I was 8-9, haha. And I still have it.

I`m scared of death. I believe in a life after death, but what scares me is not knowing what exactly is. And what happens when a person dies? How can a heart stop beating without any warnings? How can a person just be…gone? There are so many questions and not many answers. This isn`t very it ends, as you guys might have noticed. I`m also scared of not having enough time to do everything I want to.

Of course I`m going to do my best to do everything I want to do, but I kind of already know that enough will never be good enough. I`ll have to leave everyone I love and care about one day, I might have to leave this earth with chaotic circumstances and I might have to drop everything I`m doing and just die without any warnings.

I`m 19. I had midlife-crisis at the age of 8-9. And it looks like I still have it.

19

My birthday was great. My brother made me a carrot cake and we ordered some pizza, which we enjoyed while watching the first Harry Potter movie. I must say I love Harry Potter, and it was amazing to re-create memories from our childhood.

But, today was great too. Perhaps even better? I spent several hours with Thea and Sara. We went to this park, where we talked, had some great food, they gave me two books (they`re A-M-A-Z-I-NG!!) and this card that I`ll keep with me forever. Really, it was so sweet and I was close to crying when I read it. Sentimental me, you know. I`m going to keep that card with me till the day I die. And even after that too. We also played “Cards Against Humanity”, which was very fun. Ah, it was a very good day. Thank you so much, sweeties. Also, I love daylight, but isn`t there something charming with the cities at night? We walked around in the park in the darkness and it was just beautiful. I need to do more of that.

Thanks to everyone whom made my birthday great. My family (especially my brother), Sara, Thea, everyone else – thank you so much. Thanks for making the first two days of 19 great. Oh, God. I`m 19. When did that happen?best-friends-bestie-besties-bff-favim-com-4059640

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

It`s my birthday today!

I`m turning 19, guys. Way too old, in my opinion. I`ll share my thoughts on growing up this weekend, but for now I`m going to enjoy turning 19 (for as long as I can, at least).

Being 18 was awesome. I met so many great people, I graduated from high-school and joined university. I became a student. I became more socially engaged than I`ve ever been, which was an amazing experience from me. I`ve written texts I never thought I`d write, I`ve discovered myself more and I`m stronger now mentally. I`m so glad that I haven`t been stuck in one place the last year. I dared to do things I`ve never done and now I`ve already began a new chapter. The life as a student is new and weird, but it`s also great as in means more freedom to do things as I`d like to.

I want to thank everyone who made this year awesome. My family, my friends, everyone. Not to forget thanks to everyone who`ve been with me for many years and still are there for me. 18 was awesome and I hope 19 treats me well too.;-)

il_570xn-667453266_eyhi

 

ONE YEAR

First of all.. I`ve blogged for one year now!! I realised that some days go, buuuut as you perhaps now, I haven`t blogged much lately. It`s hard to find the motivation to do so, when you know you have many other things to do. Being a student for the first time is hard. I`m the boss of my own days and I have to discipline myself. It`s going to take a while, but I`m sure I`ll figure it out soon.🙂

Anyways, I can`t believe I`ve been blogging here for more than a year now?! I started this blog during my third and last year of high-school. It feels like that was a life ago. Whenever I see people who`re younger than me and “still” are in high-school, I feel like they`re living a completely different life than me. It`s still weird to not see Sara and Thea every day. I mean, I went to the same school for 3 years and no matter what – the fact is that I was used to showing up there pretty much every day. Now as I`ve joined university the routines are different, my days are different and I`m just not used to it.

I`m sorry for not blogging as much as I thought I would. I`m still getting used to my new chapter, so bear with me please. For now: Thanks a lot for hanging out with me for one year. Thanks for all the comments, the likes, thanks for the time anyone of you have spent on reading my posts. It really means a lot to me. I hope you still want to follow my journey and keep hanging out with me.. ♥tumblr_nihgkhddsq1r5bkvko1_500

IT MADE ME MORE THANKFUL

tumblr_mafrmoTdUt1qiomifo1_500

Yesterday I had a little eye-operation. The doctor put a bandage on one of my eyes and made me walk out like that. I went home with a bandage on my eye. I was at the bus with a bandage on my eye. It wasn`t just a bandage – it was a wake-up call too.

The night before I had watched “Body bizzare”. I`m too scared to post any photos, but basically it`s about people who`re born with rare diseases. And then I really mean rare diseases. People who have no nose and are blind. There was a girl who was 9 and yet she looked like she was a little baby because of her height. People with several eyes. People with no arms or upper legslegs. Women with beards. You name it. Very rare diseases. While watching it, I couldn`t help but cry and be so damn thankful for my nose. Or my hands. My arms. My legs. The ability to walk means a lot to me. I`m so thankful for not being blind, for being able to listen to the water running.

Don`t get me wrong – I don`t hate blind people or people without arms. I just feel sorry for them because I feel like they don`t have what I have. Some people have to stick to a wheel-chair for a whole life time and that makes me incredibly sad. They can`t walk like me, they can`t do things I can do and I just feel really sorry for them. I wish I could help them, but I can`t. I feel so helpless when I see people who`re blind, for example. Maybe they`re not missing anything because usually, people are born blind, but I know what they`re missing and it just makes me sad, because here I am. My health is perfect and I`m not handicapped in any way and there they are. They`re not even able to see the people they love or this beautiful world and I just wonder why.

It was just a small eye-operation. Nothing big deal, but the bandage got me thinking. What if I only had one eye? Or what if I suddenly became blind? What would I do? I`d freak out, I`d be depressed – I don`t know if I`d even want to stay the way I am right now. I can walk, I don`t need my parents to take care of me 24/7 the rest of my life. I`m fine. I can even pay for an appointment with the doctor. Many people can`t even do that and they stay with their rare diseases for the rest of the life. There was this man with this huge lump on his face. It was very very huge – just like a ball. He got it removed, but not everybody`s that lucky. And so I felt so lucky yesterday. So lucky that I felt like crying while I was walking out of the building. With the bandage on my eye.

I`m so damn thankful for not being blind or deaf. I`m so thankful for not having cancer or any disease like that. I`m so thankful for being okay and I need to remind myself of that every single day. It`s so easy to even take your eyes for granted, which shouldn`t be the case at all. Not everybody`s that lucky.

So when I took of the bandage three hours later yesterday I told myself to be thankful. And so I am. For being able to watch the words as I type them, for being able to write this. Thank you, God.

TWO WEEKS AS A STUDENT

Eilert_Sundts_hus_UiO.jpg         This is my faculty.  //Source:  Wikimedia   

Hey guys!

God, my second week has passed by and I actually am a student now. I find it weird and insane how I used to spend every day at school with the same people and now I just don`t see them anymore? I`ve gotten to know some students and I must say many of them are so kind and helpful! Ah, hopefully everybody will keep it up the next months too!

I`ve been so busy this week, I`m not used to leave the house in the morning and be back in the evening. So I`m sorry about not blogging so much, but that`ll change from now on.

Since I haven`t really told you guys that much about university, here are some “fun facts”:

  • I have lectures/seminars three days a week. Sometimes even less, so I have Wednesdays and Fridays off. Wohooo!!
  • In high-school we never had to buy our books. Now we have to do that and our syllabus is very huge. We have to get everything on our own and be independent. I wish someone had prepared us for this!! Or at least had given us more information during the vacation, so we could`ve fixed certain things.. But, I`m sure I`ll manage. I just need to get used to it.🙂
  • This week we did several things too – we learned about the different unions through different stands, we went to pubs, we had lectures, we went to this island, we switched groups and spent a good time at someone`s place, we had lunch with some of our professors, we had an “initiation-ritual” (I have no idea if that`s what they call it in English) and a tour in the museum. As you perhaps can tell, we did a lot!! And no, pubs aren`t my thing and will never be either. I decided to join the event as I thought we`d go from place to place and not stay there for about an hour each. I prefer socializing in a park! The starter`s week is over now, so I think our lives as students actually begin now..
  • I`m studying in Oslo, it takes about 40-45 minutes to get there. Not much at all!

I think there`s more, but I can`t remember it right away, haha! Hope everyone`s had a good week – tomorrow I`ll be back with something I`ve wanted to write for quite a while now.

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH FRIENDSHIPS

“Have you made any friends at the university?”

large (56)

This is a question I`ve been asked by people, mainly my family. I can`t do anything, but shake my head. Friends? Do people call each other friends after knowing each other for less than a week?

I must confess that if that`s the case, then I`m not like that. I love getting to know new people. I love talking, I love socializing. I love listening to where people come from, what they do, their talents.. lately I`ve also been more and more interested in people`s baggage. I think I`ve always been that, though. Anyways, back to what this post actually is about – making friends and how I don`t call other people a friend of mine until I`m sure they`re capable of being my friend.

It`s not like I test them. But they have to be genuine, caring, kind. They have to want to be there for me, they have to care enough about me to not throw me away the next morning.

As a little girl, I experienced many “friendships” that never were friendships. I remember this girl whom ditched me for this other girl and I remember how angry I was that day. I didn`t quite understand what that other girl had, that I didn`t have, but I realise now that both of them weren`t worth my time.

I`ve spent so much time with people whom I thought were my friends, just for them to go around and call me names, say ugly things to me such as “go and kill yourself” and not give me enough time. The past few years I`ve realised more and more of what kind people I want to surround myself with and spend my time with. So, when I met Sara and Thea, I didn`t call them my friends for some months, even though they looked at me as their friend. It`s hard to know who you can trust or not these days, so I decided to give it time, which is a great choice I made. They`re pretty much my best friends today and we`re already making plans for my birthday!

This week I`ve met many new people and I really want to get to know them which I am, slowly. But, don`t expect me to call you my friend because I`ve known you a couple of days. Trust takes time to build and I want to know for sure that I`m spending my time on people that actually really care about me, knows me and wants me well. I`m over that kind of shit where you hang out with people for a short time and then you end up getting hurt. I`ve been there too many times and I`ve had enough.

Just felt like letting this out. Don`t feel pressured to make friends as quickly as possible – take your time with friendships, guys! It should happen naturally, be friends with someone because both of you want it.🙂

Now I`m going to go to bed – way too late, I know, but I don`t really feel sleepy. I`m having my first lecture tomorrow, so wish me luck!!

FUN IN THE PARK

Today has been a very great and fun day. It started with a meeting, before we went out and participated in a “treasure hunt”. It was very fun – we danced, had a quiz, did karaoke.. Oh, together it was so fun! Afterwards we went to this park I used to go to when I was little. Some exchange students joined us too and I talked a lot with them. It`s weird how people from Japan choose little, tiny Norway, but know that everyone`s welcome here, haha! They had several questions about Norway, of course, and I had this other guy tried to answer them as good as possible. Hopefully they feel smarter now!Sofien1-600x338                                                                                                                                Source:  http://www.d36.no

The days are longer now as I spend most of the day at the university, but I think it`s very important to get to know the people I`m going to spend the next three years with.

Tomorrow`s a shorter day – it`s going to be great to be home earlier and get some good sleep. These days I tell myself to be in bed by 11 PM, but when I get home I have to relax, read and watch some serials and “suddenly” it`s past midnight.. I guess that`s what it`s going to be like tonight too, haha!