Friday night is the night when I can lean back and take a breath. Finally Friday, finally weekend. I don`t stress during weekdays, even if I`ve got 3 tests three days in a row. I`m just getting extremely tired of my situation at school. I`m trying to bite my toungue and hide my feelings, but it`s hard. This is my last year and I`m still not a classmate. Frankly, I don`t really care about being their friend anymore, but. . why can`t people just be kind to me? Do you know how much it sucks to sit there and watch people walk in, but not one single soul gives a shit about you? They go to right, I walk to left. It`s always like that. At Wednesday I walked in and everyone knew where to sit. Nobody had thought of me. What the hell do people expect me to understand when that hasn`t only happened once, but pretty much every day? Do people really expect me to walk up to them and ask “Hey, can I sit here?”, just for them to give me an awkward “Eh, yeah, we didn`t expect you to show up, but sure” back. Nah, I`m better off alone. I only want people to be nice and respect me, is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I`m the black sheep at school. People talk about me behind my back and still expect me to show up and spend time with them? They`ll sure deny them ranting about me in their freetime, but haha, Why would they stalk my blog and talk about me on Facebook? I`ve seen it all for myself. Makes me proud and flattered to know people want to spend their short life on talking about me. I`ve done something “wrong” and given people more to talk about. This girl said to me yesterday that people might have changed their impression of me considering how I attacked them in my speech. People were struck and felt they had done something wrong. In addition to what they`ve done to me, is that weird? If I made people feel something that`s of course because of something I did or said, it`s because they can relate or think of themselves. If people start believing they`ve done something wrong, then that might be true. I don`t see why people blame me for THEIR own actions, really. And what about my strong opinions? Many people have strong opinions and what`s the big deal with me wanting to change the world to a better place? Why is me caring making me the black sheep here? I don`t understand.
And that`s what hurts when people ask me “Who do you think you are?” “Why are you here?” “What do you want?” Those are the people who pretend they know me, and people who really know me know who I am and want to be. I care and I will always do, regardless of other people`s actions. I always come back, I always do. It hurts, but I can`t change who I am. Am I still the black sheep?
This is why I`m sad some days. Weekends are a relief. I can`t imagine what it must be like for other people. I love learning, but I don`t love sitting alone in most lessons. It`s always me, me, me. I just asked this girl if I could join her in for a trip we have to go in gym every year. And people still think I owe them a lot. I don`t want to end up missing Nannestad, even though I sort of know I will. I`m just not ever going to miss this feeling of suffering and screaming my lungs out. This feeling of being alone when there are plenty of people around me. Eight months left. Thanks for everything, but I actually quite being the black sheep. I want people to remember me, not my face. I want people to remember what I stood up for, I want people to bare in mind my words and silence. I quite like being the black sheep – in this case it`s better than being the white sheep. I`m different.