People make me look like the big elephant here. They look at me, but don`t see me. “Maybe it`s something you`ve done, maybe you haven`t tried enough?” I`m not a human hater, neither am I a mean girl. With that being said, I must confess I had two really nice conversations with two girls from my class on Friday. But how did that happen? I sat next to them. No, I`m not the nicest human being on this earth but I`m trying, ain`t I? And that`s where it ends. People tell me it`s mutual, but how come they forget that when the time is right? I`m fully aware most people might consider this as ranting and complaining and if you do, then you`re free to get out of here and not read this. I never forced anyone to read my posts.
I never sit in the back of the classroom. I usually sit in the front of in the middle, but never in the back. Other people do, but yesterday I occupied their usual seats. Guess what happened? They occupied mine and didn`t sit in the back of the classroom. May I be allowed to guess why? I was sitting there. I`ll bet you that the next time I decide to sit in the middle like I usually do, they`ll go to their usual place in the back of the classroom. No doubt on that.
Maybe I shouldn`t go around, ruminating on something “little” like this. But is it really a little thing? Only to those who cause situations like these! Only for those who don`t give a thing about me being alone and pretend like nothing while laughing on the same old things. But for me it explains what you guys claim aren`t true. I`m not equated in any way and there`s no need to even argue on that because that`s true. When everybody walks in, they have someone to sit with, while I? Little me have to go and sit down in a corner. It happened just yesterday, so haha. Don`t even try to tell me the situation is different, because I`m not stupid. Who thinks of me when it comes to group work? Who thinks of me when we`re allowed to work together with something? Who does something when I`m alone?
Now, let me tell you something. Something people haven`t bothered talking to me about for even one second. Before I was off to Pakistan last year, things were kind of different. We had this little christmas thing at our school, where I and some other girls bought secret presents for each other and gave each other. We had no idea who we`d give it to, which made it even more fun and exciting. I do remember that. However, I end up leaving Norway for an month and the day I`m back at school, I`m not even appreciated? I could feel it, I saw it. When I said hello to people, they replied with an awkward hello back and I`m not dumb to express things were different then. What happened during my time in Pakistan? Haha, I only talked to one classmate once and that was to ask about German and to let the teacher know I missed my flight that day.. I`ve been told just recently some people might have got a negative image of me considering my speech last year and well, let`s say that`s true, BUT what happened during the first and second year? When people use these excuses nothing make sense, because what the hell did I do to provoke people the first year? I had shown no signs of such strong independence and I pretended like nothing and kept thinking things will get better, but during the second year I had enough. People kept saying they`ve been trying, but is trying = talking to me 5 times and ignoring me the rest of the year? That`s what`s been going on and I`m just asking these questions because I want to know what the hell is going wrong. Or maybe these questions already are answered by me now. People don`t care as much as they`d like to say they do.
I talked to an old teacher of mine this Friday who said “Maybe the “problem” is you being older than the other students, as in you`re 25 in your mind. You have nothing against being yourself and fronting the real you, while others aren`t that secure.” Oh, I agree, but why does that automatically make people think I`m a threat and make them not want to be with me? Yes, I`m different, but why don`t people want to be with me? It`s weird how selfish and ignorant people get friends, while nice people don`t. I`ve experienced that all my life, from age 5 till now. Not everyone`s like that, of course, but too many are.
I don`t want people to feel sorry for me. It`s more like I want people to treat me fairly and nicely, not pretend. I`m just so done with them not giving a damn when I`m sitting all alone in a room. Is it that hard to include me for once? To be nice to me?
Do you see me now?