DO YOU SEE ME NOW?

People make me look like the big elephant here. They look at me, but don`t see me. “Maybe it`s something you`ve done, maybe you haven`t tried enough?” I`m not a human hater, neither am I a mean girl. With that being said, I must confess I had two really nice conversations with two girls from my class on Friday. But how did that happen? I sat next to them. No, I`m not the nicest human being on this earth but I`m trying, ain`t I? And that`s where it ends. People tell me it`s mutual, but how come they forget that when the time is right? I`m fully aware most people might consider this as ranting and complaining and if you do, then you`re free to get out of here and not read this. I never forced anyone to read my posts.

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I never sit in the back of the classroom. I usually sit in the front of in the middle, but never in the back. Other people do, but yesterday I occupied their usual seats. Guess what happened? They occupied mine and didn`t sit in the back of the classroom. May I be allowed to guess why? I was sitting there. I`ll bet you that the next time I decide to sit in the middle like I usually do, they`ll go to their usual place in the back of the classroom. No doubt on that.

Maybe I shouldn`t go around, ruminating on something “little” like this. But is it really a little thing? Only to those who cause situations like these! Only for those who don`t give a thing about me being alone and pretend like nothing while laughing on the same old things. But for me it explains what you guys claim aren`t true. I`m not equated in any way and there`s no need to even argue on that because that`s true. When everybody walks in, they have someone to sit with, while I? Little me have to go and sit down in a corner. It happened just yesterday, so haha. Don`t even try to tell me the situation is different, because I`m not stupid. Who thinks of me when it comes to group work? Who thinks of me when we`re allowed to work together with something? Who does something when I`m alone?

Now, let me tell you something. Something people haven`t bothered talking to me about for even one second. Before I was off to Pakistan last year, things were kind of different. We had this little christmas thing at our school, where I and some other girls bought secret presents for each other and gave each other. We had no idea who we`d give it to, which made it even more fun and exciting. I do remember that. However, I end up leaving Norway for an month and the day I`m back at school, I`m not even appreciated? I could feel it, I saw it. When I said hello to people, they replied with an awkward hello back and I`m not dumb to express things were different then. What happened during my time in Pakistan? Haha, I only talked to one classmate once and that was to ask about German and to let the teacher know I missed my flight that day.. I`ve been told just recently some people might have got a negative image of me considering my speech last year and well, let`s say that`s true, BUT what happened during the first and second year? When people use these excuses nothing make sense, because what the hell did I do to provoke people the first year? I had shown no signs of such strong independence and I pretended like nothing and kept thinking things will get better, but during the second year I had enough. People kept saying they`ve been trying, but is trying = talking to me 5 times and ignoring me the rest of the year? That`s what`s been going on and I`m just asking these questions because I want to know what the hell is going wrong. Or maybe these questions already are answered by me now. People don`t care as much as they`d like to say they do.

I talked to an old teacher of mine this Friday who said “Maybe the “problem” is you being older than the other students, as in you`re 25 in your mind. You have nothing against being yourself and fronting the real you, while others aren`t that secure.” Oh, I agree, but why does that automatically make people think I`m a threat and make them not want to be with me? Yes, I`m different, but why don`t people want to be with me? It`s weird how selfish and ignorant people get friends, while nice people don`t. I`ve experienced that all my life, from age 5 till now. Not everyone`s like that, of course, but too many are.

I don`t want people to feel sorry for me. It`s more like I want people to treat me fairly and nicely, not pretend. I`m just so done with them not giving a damn when I`m sitting all alone in a room. Is it that hard to include me for once? To be nice to me?

Do you see me now? 

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2 thoughts on “DO YOU SEE ME NOW?

  1. To me, it seems like most people are really nice to you. But you choose to ignore those people to make yourself the victim and make people feel sorry for you. It’s not the people around you who’s selfish and ignorant, it’s simply the fact that every time some people are being nice to you, you write shit about them on your blog and they dont want to talk to you anymore because of it. I just dont understand, because sometimes you complain about not having any friends, yet you say you dont want any? Make up your mind please. Some people have actually tried to talk and be friends with you, but they didn’t get any respons. It’s like you didn’t really want them to talk to you, because you “know” they just do it out of pity.

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    1. People are really nice to me for ignoring me and for letting me be alone? Haha, you`re dead wrong then. I don`t “choose” to be a victim, I don`t even want to be a victim. I don`t understand why you even bother commenting when you clearly don`t understand my situation in any way? I know who`re nice to me at all and like I said, it`s hard for me to sometimes understand what people want and why people do certain things. And about people not wanting to talk to me because of what I write – my blog didn`t eevn exist two years ago, what was the “excuse” then? If you actually read my posts, I said I`m not expecting anyone to be my friend, I just want people to be nice and treat me good which is obviously too much to expect for now.
      You say people have tried to talk to me and yes, like I said in this post (again, READ it before commenting..) I had a nice time before leaving for Pakistan last December, but once I was back, I was the one who didn`t get any responce. What else do you wanna say now?

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