THESE EMOTIONS

On Thursday, after my last written exam, I came home and said to my mum “I`ve finished 3 of 4 exams!” I was happy, but suddenly it didn`t feel like much of a relief anymore. I have only one left. All of a sudden I didn`t feel happy anymore. I had no idea what to fill my time with. During the weekend I had no presentations, no assignments and no tests to worry about. I can`t remember the last time it was exactly like that.

Today`s making me feel sad. No, I haven`t forgotten all of the good things. But, I can`t forget how people treat me either. Today`s not been the best day, which is a little weird. I spent the lunch with Sara and her friends, which was nice. But the rest of the day I spent in class, and on my way home I started crying. I told myself to stay strong.

I`ve got only two weeks left and I guess it`s meant to be what it is. I don`t know if I started crying because time`s running out or because I can`t handle this shit anymore.

When I talk to people on FB, I feel like people believe I`m a calm and strong girl. Whenever I participate with comments, I feel like people look at me as that chill young girl who`s got everything under control. But right now, I don`t feel like that girl.

It`s very weird to be writing all this down. So many feelings, so many emotions.

It sucks to sit in a classroom where people don`t really talk to you. Where most people don`t notice you. I have no lessons with Sara and Thea anymore, so I have to deal with my class and loneliness most of the time. Why the freaking hell does it have to be this way? Why the hell do people have to act so careless? Why on earth do I have to go through this? What have I done to deserve this? It`s been like this for what feels like a decade. And I try my best to be strong and not care, but I`m a human being.

I can tell when people ignore me. I can hear people talking behind me while I know there`s no one in the room who actually really wants to talk to me. There are people in my class who`d rather comment shit on my blog than actually drop by and have a little conversation with me. Why? What`s wrong with me or what`s wrong with people?

I know I haven`t done anything to deserve this, but I`m asking because this is still going on and no third-graders have actually put an effort to get to know me better. I don`t need any of this – I can`t handle this anymore and yet, most of me is sad because in two weeks time I`m graduating.

What`s up with me?

c768bae047eece2c2ac86221a9ef6f1fI hate being treated this way and I can`t wrap my head around the fact that in exactly two weeks time I`ll be celebrating my graduation. At this time I`ll be somewhere else in two weeks time. I`ll get away from a class which hasn`t treated me right. Shouldn`t I be happy?

I have no idea. All I know is that it`s just a bad day, not a bad life. I`m trying to explain myself that it won`t be like this forever. People won`t ignore me forever. But right now I don`t want to be treated this way and I have no idea what to do about my emotions.

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