WHAT IF I HAD DECIDED TO END IT ALL?

I don`t consider myself as a person who overthinks, but I do think a lot.large (42)Lately I`ve been asking myself the question “What if I had commited suicide?” I don`t think I`m the person to ever do that, but what if? What if I had decided to end my own life some years ago?

I want to ask people what their first thought would be if someone told them I`m dead. How would they react, what would they think, what would they feel? But maybe they`d think I`m going crazy, even though I believe most of us think of these things. What would everything be like if I was gone? Who would miss me? Would anyone even miss me? If so, why would they?

Some time ago someone said to me “You were bullied for decades. If I was you, I would`ve commited suicide long ago.” That got me thinking. Do people expect me to not exist anymore or are people proud of me and look up to me? I don`t know, guys. I just wonder. I wonder where I would`ve been right now if I wasn`t here. I feel sorry for the families and the friends who`ve lost someone like that, but I wonder what it would`ve been like for my family or friends.

Many people have killed themselves, because they couldn`t handle it anymore. I`m happy that I`m alive, but then I feel sorry for those who`re not. I wish I could save all of them and bring them back. Here I am, soon graduating, I`m all alive and I feel so strong, yet so weak. Maybe that person was right. Maybe she would`ve commited suicide long ago, because feeling lonely for so many years isn`t something everyone can bear. And here I am. I`m alive, I have so many dreams and so many goals. What if I had killed all of that some years ago?

Is it sad of me to think that my existence is weird? Isn`t it weird how I managed to find my way through that shit? It`s weird how I made it. How I survived everything. I find it odd to be alive today. Believe it or not. I can`t believe I made through everything. Only I know what I`ve felt every day, only I know what I`ve had to go through, only I know what I`ve got with me in my baggage. It makes me proud, but also makes me want to cry.

I don`t even know where I wanted to go with this. Let`s just say these are what they call late night thoughts.

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4 thoughts on “WHAT IF I HAD DECIDED TO END IT ALL?

  1. I’m proud of you from getting through all of this and coming out the other side. You are honsetly an inspiration for everyone else going through a similar thing and living proof that someone can go through shit and still be a lovely, considerate, genuine person. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

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