I don`t consider myself as a person who overthinks, but I do think a lot.Lately I`ve been asking myself the question “What if I had commited suicide?” I don`t think I`m the person to ever do that, but what if? What if I had decided to end my own life some years ago?
I want to ask people what their first thought would be if someone told them I`m dead. How would they react, what would they think, what would they feel? But maybe they`d think I`m going crazy, even though I believe most of us think of these things. What would everything be like if I was gone? Who would miss me? Would anyone even miss me? If so, why would they?
Some time ago someone said to me “You were bullied for decades. If I was you, I would`ve commited suicide long ago.” That got me thinking. Do people expect me to not exist anymore or are people proud of me and look up to me? I don`t know, guys. I just wonder. I wonder where I would`ve been right now if I wasn`t here. I feel sorry for the families and the friends who`ve lost someone like that, but I wonder what it would`ve been like for my family or friends.
Many people have killed themselves, because they couldn`t handle it anymore. I`m happy that I`m alive, but then I feel sorry for those who`re not. I wish I could save all of them and bring them back. Here I am, soon graduating, I`m all alive and I feel so strong, yet so weak. Maybe that person was right. Maybe she would`ve commited suicide long ago, because feeling lonely for so many years isn`t something everyone can bear. And here I am. I`m alive, I have so many dreams and so many goals. What if I had killed all of that some years ago?
Is it sad of me to think that my existence is weird? Isn`t it weird how I managed to find my way through that shit? It`s weird how I made it. How I survived everything. I find it odd to be alive today. Believe it or not. I can`t believe I made through everything. Only I know what I`ve felt every day, only I know what I`ve had to go through, only I know what I`ve got with me in my baggage. It makes me proud, but also makes me want to cry.
I don`t even know where I wanted to go with this. Let`s just say these are what they call late night thoughts.