This post is a little hard for me to write. At first I didn`t know whether I should share this or not, but thinking this might help someone out there, makes me want to share this.
Thursday 4th of February 2016. I still remember it all, but I wrote down what happened the same day:
11.35 AM: I tell my teacher how my group didn`t really cooperate, how two of the girls in my group did everything and how I wasn`t satisfied with how we organized everything. Two other girls hear me and have to come nearer to say something. I have nothing to say, I look at the teacher and I can see it in her eyes. She agrees with them. “Someone doing something is better than nobody doing anything.” I walk away.
11.40 AM: I`m in the girl toilet. Crying.
Throughout the years, some people have told me all I am is a negative, attention-seeking drama queen, who`s never happy or satisfied. Yes, I`ve been lonely many days at school. And whenever I`ve written posts full of “negativity and complaining”, they`ve forgotten I`m just a human too. And that Thursday, I had enough. I broke down, I couldn`t help it. I had to let it out and so I did. Countless times I put up an act and some few times, I have enough. Those days were one of those times.
It was a little thing. We were a group or supposed to be a group, and everyone else was perhaps satisfied with how they had organised everything, which in this case meant 2 out of 7 people working with the assignment. While talking to the teacher, I felt like nobody was listening to me and it was as if nobody could hear my screams. That had been the case many, many times and that day I had enough.
I was tired of nobody actually noticing me or doing much about my situation. It`s a student`s responsibility to let the teachers and principle know if there`s anything wrong, BUT it`s also every teacher`s and principle`s responsibility to not act so blind, to care and try their very best. Sorry to say this, but that`s not what happened at my school and I had enough.
It`s easy to blame it on me and it`s easy for me to blame everyone else. But like I said, all of us had and still have our responsibilities. And it sucks when I, as a student, let someone at school know about my challenges and situation, just for them to take it easy and not do much to help me. It would suck for any student, I believe. I could`ve done so much more. I could`ve exploded in the classroom, I could`ve said enough is enough, I could`ve told them many more times face to face that what they`re doing isn`t fair or right.
Later that day I just had to tell someone about it, about my feelings. So, I messaged Sara, whom replied and said that the three of us (I, Sara and Thea) need to hang out one day. And so we did. Thanks, Sara, for listening to me.
But, my class was still 3STC. I had to spend most of the time with them, despite eveyrthing. Just because I had and still have two friends from another class, doesn`t mean I didn`t have any reasons to be sad about my situation. What my class did to me most of the time wasn`t right.
But, I didn`t give up. Thank God, I didn`t give up. And I think that`s what I want to tell people. I didn`t give up and here I am. I feel like many people think of me as a strong woman. I wouldn`t say I`m stronger than anyone else – I`ve just decided to deal with my situation in my own way. I too have cried in the girl toilet. It`s taken a lot for me to be where I am today. Trust me. But, one day everything`s going to be okay. I know people who`ve been bullied and who, alike me, have been feeling very lonely and have been crying their eyes out. That Thursday I felt so bad, I felt so terrible. I couldn`t stop crying and I wanted to go home. So, I know what it feels like. Whether it`s in a lonely corner at school or in your room. I know these hopeless moments and periods too. Trust me, I know them so well. Sometimes people suck or the circumstances suck. Sometimes it feels like the world`s falling apart or that nobody`s there for you. But don`t you dare ever give up. Everything`s going to be okay one day only if you let it be okay.
Today you might be crying all alone in the girl toilet. Or in the boy toilet, for that matter. But please don`t think you`re alone and won`t ever be okay. I was there and I`m okay. You`ll be too one day.