In five days time I`m joining the university – am I allowed to say that I`m not as excited as I perhaps thought I am?
I know people are going to tell me that I`ll get used to it, the first weeks I`ll anyways get to know people, it`ll be fine, the university will help me out.
How the hell will they help me with staying 18 and not let me age? Because seriously, that`s my problem here.
I`m in love with being 18. And I don`t want to grow older. I don`t want to turn 19 next month. I never want to grow up. I`m scared of the future, I`m scared of dying because I`m going to die way too soon and I don`t know what to do about it.
I remember something that I experienced when I was little. I was perhaps 8-9. All of a sudden I didn`t want to sleep at nights. I became noisy and was so scared of dying. I didn`t want to sleep at nights. After a while it all stopped and everything went back to “normal”, but I still think similar thoughts sometimes – I never want to die. What happens when you die? What does a person do if he never wants to die? And what if I never wake up the next morning? What do I do then??
Joining the university next week will for sure make me realise that I`m older now, I`m a grown-up now. I`ve become that “old” that I can study whatever I want now. Isn`t that crazy and scary? I don`t want to become any older. I want to stay the way I am. There`s so much I want to do, so many things I want to see, so many things I want to experience, but life`s so damn short and it scares me. No matter what I do, I feel like I waste away every day. I don`t feel as “useful” as I should and I don`t know if I`m living life the right way.
Unfortunately no matter what I do, I`ll have to join the university next week and start a new chapter of my life. I can only look younger, but not be younger. Life doesn`t stop for anybody and it won`t stop me. I guess the only thing I can do is to go forward and live life, because that`s just how it is. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.