TO BE HONEST

In five days time I`m joining the university – am I allowed to say that I`m not as excited as I perhaps thought I am?

I know people are going to tell me that I`ll get used to it, the first weeks I`ll anyways get to know people, it`ll be fine, the university will help me out.

How the hell will they help me with staying 18 and not let me age? Because seriously, that`s my problem here.large (74)

I`m in love with being 18. And I don`t want to grow older. I don`t want to turn 19 next month. I never want to grow up. I`m scared of the future, I`m scared of dying because I`m going to die way too soon and I don`t know what to do about it.

I remember something that I experienced when I was little. I was perhaps 8-9. All of a sudden I didn`t want to sleep at nights. I became noisy and was so scared of dying. I didn`t want to sleep at nights. After a while it all stopped and everything went back to “normal”, but I still think similar thoughts sometimes – I never want to die. What happens when you die? What does a person do if he never wants to die? And what if I never wake up the next morning? What do I do then??

Joining the university next week will for sure make me realise that I`m older now, I`m a grown-up now. I`ve become that “old” that I can study whatever I want now. Isn`t that crazy and scary? I don`t want to become any older. I want to stay the way I am. There`s so much I want to do, so many things I want to see, so many things I want to experience, but life`s so damn short and it scares me. No matter what I do, I feel like I waste away every day. I don`t feel as “useful” as I should and I don`t know if I`m living life the right way.

Unfortunately no matter what I do, I`ll have to join the university next week and start a new chapter of my life. I can only look younger, but not be younger. Life doesn`t stop for anybody and it won`t stop me. I guess the only thing I can do is to go forward and live life, because that`s just how it is. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “TO BE HONEST

  1. I understand that feeling! When I went to university I suddenly was forced to become independent and although I am used to it now, the first few days especially were scary! But I also learnt that growing up gives you so many new experiences along the way which are things to look forward to 😊 good luck with starting university and the next chapter of your life!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I`m glad you think that way now! I think for me it doesn`t exactly have anything to do with university. I know I`ve growed up, but joining university soon makes me “realise” that even more now, which makes me worry even more.. I know growing up will giev me more new experiences and trust me, I want those, but at the same time I never want to grow up. Complicated, I know! Thank you – good luck to you on your second year! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s