I don`t know whether I should be happy or sad.
I`m so young and I know people will tell me to not worry. My whole life`s in front of me. I`m going to meet so many challenging roades, I`m going to meet many interesting people along the way and I`m going to do a lot more with my life than I am right now. I have a whole life ahead of me.
But I don`t have as much time as I wish I had.
When I was 8 or 9, something unexpected happened. Whenever it was bedtime, I started yelling and crying in front of my parents. Little me walked down the stairs, because I didn`t want to sleep. I was scared of death and I was scared that I one day had to leave everyone I cared about. After some days I stopped doing this – God knows how or why. My parents were worried and didn`t understand what has gotten into me. Neither do I till this day, but maybe it was all about realizing that life`s unpredictable, but we all know we`re going to die. Maybe realizing I`m not going to exist one day scared me.
It still scares me.
Some nights I`ve been scared of falling asleep, because I`ve been way too scared to not get up in the morning because I`m dead. Depressing, right? Well, I wouldn`t exactly say I`m depressed. It`s not like I sit on the couch all day and don`t want to do anything because I`m too sad. It`s just that I sometimes get stressed because of these thoughts. They might be gone for some hours, but I have them every single day.
I think having these scary feelings and thoughts might not be that good either, but on the other hand it`s good that I`ve realised that I can`t depend on tomorrow. Life`s too short and I want to make the most out of it. I`m just too scared to have too little time. And I`m so scared of finding the things I`m doing now, pointless. Sometimes I do actually think whatever I`m doing right now is meaningless. There are so many things I want to see, experience, taste and feel and I just don`t want life to be over. Turning 19 made me realise I`m actually already 19 and that I`m going to die very soon. Of course that`s not the case, but I`d like to think it is. I believe I reached the midlife crisis already when I was 8-9, haha. And I still have it.
I`m scared of death. I believe in a life after death, but what scares me is not knowing what exactly is. And what happens when a person dies? How can a heart stop beating without any warnings? How can a person just be…gone? There are so many questions and not many answers. This isn`t very it ends, as you guys might have noticed. I`m also scared of not having enough time to do everything I want to.
Of course I`m going to do my best to do everything I want to do, but I kind of already know that enough will never be good enough. I`ll have to leave everyone I love and care about one day, I might have to leave this earth with chaotic circumstances and I might have to drop everything I`m doing and just die without any warnings.
I`m 19. I had midlife-crisis at the age of 8-9. And it looks like I still have it.