I CAN`T GET OVER IT

Almost two weeks have passed and I`m still kind of in shock.

Almost two years ago I lost my uncle. I was shocked then too, but not as shocked as I am now. Maybe because we didn`t spend two months at the hospital with him. Maybe because I didn`t spend as much time as I should of have had with him. I didn`t catch the bus to meet him often and neither did we talk, while he was ill. We were in Pakistan for a month, which means we were back in January 2015. My mum called my uncle, whom said “I`ll call you later, when I`m fine.” He was never fine again. I still feel sorry for my cousins whom lost their dad. Their life changed dramatically. I wonder if my uncle knows that we`ve also lost our grandmother now.large-72

I feel very guilty, very weird and I don`t understand what`s been going on the past two months. From the day that I knew she was admitted, I visited her a lot. I planned my days according to my visits, I planned my days according to her. When I got to know she had cancer days after her admission, I started visiting her even more. I wanted to know I was there, but like everyone else, I felt so helpless. I don`t know whether the days were good or bad for her. I don`t freaking know. The first days we got to know more information about her condition. The first days we even cried. My cousin asked “How many days does she have left?” I wanted him to shut up. Maybe because I forgot that there`s no such thing as a stupid question.

We talked. It was a relief when she, after such a long time, laughed. When she wore her own clothes, clean clothes. When she had her hair up in a bun. When she sat in a chair and looked at me. She used to lie in bed or sit at a chair and stare at me sometimes. Maybe it was just me. Nevertheless I used to say “Why are you looking at me like that, grandmother?” The first times she would say “Why, am I now allowed to look at you?” Later on she`d usually just keep looking at me and then look away. She`d look at the roof. It was as if there was nothing to find in her eyes. The last weeks she would stare at the roof for hours and not say much. She`d ask about me, my mum, my dad, my brother. How school is going. And I`d ask how she was doing and she always said she was okay. Well, grandmother, maybe you were okay and maybe you weren`t. What do I know? All I know is that you`re not anymore.

She died on a Friday. Four days earlier, I talked to her. That day I went out to do some stuff. I spent three hours waiting for someone whom never showed up, so I was fed up and wanted to go home. While waiting for the tube, my mum called and told me I can catch a bus that drives directly to the nursing home. That`s where she spent most time in the end. I said no, because the plan was to visit her the next day, aka Tuesday. But, I ended up visiting her that Monday and it turned out that decision is one of the best decisions I`ve ever made. That was the last time I got to talk to her, that was the last time I saw her eyes and that was the last time I saw her move. Yeah, let`s say that`s the last time I saw my grandmother. When I went to see her two days later, she was most likely unconscious and when I saw her again two days later she was dead.

I can`t understand how a person can breathe one day and die the next.

I wonder what my grandmother thought during her time at hospital, nursing home and at home. She was home for one week. She went back and never came back. I wonder if she knew it was the end of her and her life. I wonder if she knew what was happening to her, or if she was as optimistic as she sometimes acted like she was. Because what would I`ve done? I would`ve been depressed, I would`ve cried, but I saw my grandmother cry only once at the hospital. I wonder what she was thinking. I`ll forever be wondering.

I don`t know how a person goes from being used to see someone they love, to never ever see them again. My family`s in Pakistan and they might come back, but my grandmother won`t.

And that makes me so sad. I`ll miss her, without being able to do anything about it. I`ll find see everything in the livingroom where she used to spend most of her time, and still see nothing. Damn this.

Now I`m going to try to finish this book I started reading when she was alive. I wasn`t able to finish it even though I brought it with me to the hospital several times. And now I`ll finish it, while she`s dead.

What to do, guys. What to do?

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