Happy New Year to my readers! What a year 2016 was. To me 2016 was alright, till October. The first months I spent at Nannestad. In June I graduated and I joined university in august. I had a very great start – spent much time with new people. I feel like I didn`t focus as much as I should on my studies from October of, because of my grandmother. I planned my days according to her, and perhaps that`s why I was in shock when my mum told me she`s dead.
We did so much for her. My aunt made food for her almost every single day, as my grandmother didn`t really like the food at the hospital. Sometimes she also brought with her clothes. I visited her as much as I could – which wasn`t good enough, because I wish I had spent every hour I could with her. My uncles, my dad, my grandmother, my brother and my cousins visited her. The whole process was hard and especially in the end I felt like we were all trying to make her survive. Whenever the nurses came by to ask if my grandmother would like some food, I thought “They`re trying so hard just for her to survive, not live.” Maybe I thought that way because I deep inside knew the end was to come. Or maybe because my grandmother way too often said “no” to the nurses, who`d usually smile, close the door and visit the next pasient. My family and the nurses did so much and yet she left us. I feel like we tried so hard for nothing.
Something that bugs me even more, is how quiet my grandmother was. She would lie in bed for hours, without saying anything. She didn`t say anything. She didn`t really talk about her feelings, and none of us really knew whether she was afraid or not. We didn`t really know if she was satisfied with her life or if she knew she was close to the end. I wonder if she was scared of death, like me. She cried only once or twice. When she got to know she had cancer, she cried and said “what has happened to me?” Afterwards it was as if she had been used to the disease. I`m aware that sounds so harsh, but that`s how it kind of looked like, as she didn`t talk about it 2-3 weeks before she died. She didn`t really talk about her condition or herself. She used to ask about me, about my parents, about school. I wonder if she knew she was going to die. Maybe that`s why she was so quiet. My grandmother used to be so chatty – that changed dramatically. None of us had ever seen her that quiet.
“Grandmother, tell me something.” “Daughter, what do I tell you? You tell me something.”
Almost two years ago, my uncle died. It`s not unusual for us human beings to believe it`s the end of the world. I thought it was the end when my uncle died and I thought I`d never be fine again. But I did. Like usually, I have no idea how I do things after a while. I have no idea how I managed to survive it and keep going. Now as my grandmother`s dead, I don`t know how I`m going to keep going. I don`t know how I`m going to talk normally with the other students. “Yeah, my grandmother died, but apart from that my holiday was fantastic.” I don`t know how to focus 100 % on my life and until perhaps yesterday I didn`t know how to get over this.
I`m going to take my time with this. Why am I in such a hurry? I`m going to let time help me. I`m going to cry as much as I want to and I`m going to think about all this and so much more whenever I want to. After all, I`ve lost my grandmother and it`s going to take some time to get on with life. I spent so many years with her and I cared (and still care) so much about her. I never thought this was going to happen so early, but unfortunately it has and even though it feels like the end of the world now, I know I`ll be fine one day.