Okay, let`s for once be honest.
I went back to uni yesterday and not really communicating with anyone has been just fine.
Why, you might ask?
I don`t know what to say to people there. I don`t know how I`m supposed to act “normal” anymore. It`s easier through Facebook – I don`t have to face the person. But in real life not much makes sense anymore.
And don`t get me wrong – I don`t have any friends at uni yet. It`s maybe kind of my fault, because my social life was the last thing I thought of while my grandmother was alive. I used to finish school, visit her at the hospital and plan my days according to her. But, I must confess that it took time for me to call Sara and Thea my friends and it`ll take at least some months for me to call my fellow students for my friends. That`s just how I am and I prefer knowing who I`m allowing to stay in my life because I`ve been hurt too many times before.
Anywho, the point is – I don`t know what I`m supposed to say to them. “Um, hey, yeah, my holiday was perfect and I`m happy to be back.” Damn, life`s so weird – I feel like I was so me, I was so normal before my grandmother died and now I just don`t know anymore. Just writing the word grandmother brings tears to my eyes – what am I to do? God. And tomorrow I`m going to meet my study group to discuss some of the syllabus and I have we only talk about what`s in the books.
I`m taking my time with this – I think about her as much as I want to, I cry as much as I want to and I want to “stay away” from most people for a while. Not because I hate them or have anything against them – I just don`t know what to say. I guess that`s the case here on my blog too – I only want to talk about what happened the past three months and death and I bet none of you really is interested in that. As if I`ve never talked about any of that here.
In the end I`d like to thank everyone who`ve sent me condolences and sweet words the past month and especially a big thanks to Sara who came to visit me while I was taking care of my cousins. ♥