WHEN YOU ARE MORTAL

For several years I`ve been that kind of person who`s afraid the time on this earth won`t be enough. For not having enough time. I`m scared of dying without being given any warnings. One would believe I`m way too anxious about time running out.

Something happened when I was little. I don`t remember whether I was eight or nine-year-old, but that doesn`t really mater. Suddenly an evening I wasn`t willing to sleep. I didn`t want to sleep. I shouted, I cried. Why? I was, for some reason, afraid to die. I didn`t want to die. Not to forget, I was sad about the fact that I one day have to leave my family. After some days it was all over – I didn`t cry myself to sleep and slept better. But my way of thinking about life and death still exists, as we speak.

I struggle with not having enough time. I can be in my room, watching this Indian serial and start thinking that`s pointless, even though a person needs to relax once in a while. I can be on the train on my way home and for a while believe everything I`m doing, is meaningless. I can do something I believe is good, and still believe it`s pointless.

I`m too frightened to not be able to wake up one day. There have been nights where I`ve been lying awake, because I`ve been thinking “what am I to do if I don`t wake tomorrow?” “What do I do if someone comes and kills me while I`m asleep?” One would believe it`s a crisis if I don`t wake up the next morning, which it actually is. I`m way too scared about not having enough time in this life.

Some days ago my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. My uncle was diagnosed with the same about two years ago. When such circumstances occur in people`s lives, it`s quite normal to be in shock and start realising things. Some days ago I was reminded a houndred times at once that this life will be over one day. Or that I might be the one, one day, who`s admitted into the hospital and has cancer. That`s why I don`t have much time. I have to write a book, I have to finish my education, I have to help people, I have to travel, I have to meet people, I have to be independent, free and a kind human being. Time`s running out and that`s why I get way too stressed sometimes. What if I die at the age of 40 and haven`t been able to do everything I want to do? I`m most likely going to lie in the grave and have depression then.

Because when I`m on my way to catch the train every morning, it`s after all alright if I miss it and get late, because I can always catch the next one. But what do you do when your time on this earth is coming to an end? Life`s not timeless. It`s a gift you only get once. It`s a train you only have the option to catch one time and go off one time. There`s no next train and to be honest that makes me very upset.40c952630cb28566ab459ea708202144

This is a text I wrote for the anthropological journal “Antropress” in November. Proud to be the only one to have written something personal. 
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