THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT AUTUMN NIGHTS

There`s something about autumn nights. The orange lights. The cold, fresh air. There`s something different about the atmosphere, maybe I like it more because people aren`t so busy when the city is surrounded by darkness. They`re not everywhere. Less people on the train, less people inside the bus. Less people in the shops. 

It`s as if I can keep the city more for myself. I wish I could keep it for myself.

I like the nights. I wish I could spend more time in the cities, during nights. I want to enjoy late night walks with someone I love. I want to see the city nights. 

On Friday I went to Bjørndal. Bjørndal? It`s where I grew up. It`s where I met the first people I considered my friends. Bjørndal is where I`ve spent most of my time on this earth. I can imagine little me, jumping on the trampoline in the garden. I remember the little plastic house we had, which suddenly blew away one day. I remember the day I was scared, I remember the days I came home furious because the bullies had made fun of me once again. I remember the day when I and my brother woke up about fifteen minutes before school started and we managed to reach school on time. Pretty much everything started there. Bjørndal. The place is so quiet, it looks so good in the sun. I moved away about 5 years ago, and yet? Yet not much has changed, but people have. 

The clock was ten, when I was on my way home. For some seconds, I felt so calm. Late evening, city nights and not that many people were walking around. 

But weren`t people in Las Vegas, enjoying another city night? There I was, in Oslo, not scared at all. While people in Las Vegas? Many went out to enjoy a concert, to celebrate music, and some never came back.

The contrasts in the world scare me. 

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The past days have been okay, but not so okay at the same time. Did anyone hear about Sonny Melton? That man wasn`t selfish at all, when he gave up his own life, to rescue his wife, Heather. Between all the mess, the blood and the bullets, there was love. What a good man Sonny was. He was trying to shield his wife. I feel like way too few people would do that, I feel like we`ve lost the meaning of pure and true love in this mad world, but that?

That is pure love that I hope I`ll find one day, along with some great autumn nights. 

As I`ve been writing this, I`ve realised more and more that this post might not make that much of sense. Let`s just say I this season, especially at night. 

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AM I HAPPY WITH MY STUDY?

If you`ve followed me for some time, you`d know I`m currently studying social anthropology. Basicly we learn about the comparative diversity of societies and cultures around the world. Some topics we`ve had are economics, religion, symbols, gender, politics and kinship. I`ve learned a lot and even though not all courses are fun, it`s great to learn more about the big, big world we live in.

However, I applied for a bachelor in history before summer. I love history and I just love learning about the second world war. Many times during the lectures last year I asked myself why I`m studying social anthropology. It`s not that it`s plain boring – I just don`t feel satisfied and I don`t know if that`s normal. When I applied for the university, I applied for 9 different studies. It goes without saying I`m interested in a lot, so when I was supposed to pick my minor (let`s call it that) this summer, I found it so hard to just choose one and go with it. I went through psychology, Dutch, sociology, art history, gender studies… you get it. I ended up with history, though. I`ve pretty much enjoyed it so far, but to be honest: I`m still wondering whether I made the right decision or not, because I like social anthropology, but I don`t love it. Like I just said, I don`t know if that`s normal.

I`ve asked myself so many times if I should change my direction or not. I feel like I`m still studying social anthropology because I`m too scared to change path right now, but at the same time – it`s not like I`m absolutely not enjoying my current study. On the other hand, I really don`t want to waste time and do what I want to do right away. To be honest, I`m a little scared of what the future holds for me. Whenever people say “oh, so you`re studying social anthroopology? What are you going to use it for?”, I don`t really know what to say. But in my mind? In my mind I can imagine what I want to be like in the future. I want to be a strong, independent and kind woman. I want to be free, I want to be me.

One day I want to travel and actually see the world. Meet people, learn languages, get to know different cultures and understand phenomena. Social anthropology will definetely come in handy then, but is this what I really want to do? I`m not sure, which really annoyes me. Some people think I have it figured out – I don`t. Yeah, I know I want to be an author, but besides that, I don`t know. Oh, there are way too many “I-don`t-knows” in life. If you`ve just joined university and feel like everyone else knows what they`re doing but you, then you`re wrong. I`m doing my second year in a BA and I`m not sure about what I want to work with (apart from writing, of course). I don`t even know if I`m doing what I should be doing, haha, but that`s okay. I`m going somewhere and many times it takes time to know what you want to do. I`ll stumble, I`ll fall, but I`m going somewhere.

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//source:  here

 

IT IS NICE TO BE NICE

On Wednesday I went to an event about mental heath and eating disorders. Ingeborg Senneset was the speaker, and I was excited. I`ve been following Ingeborg`s journey as a participant in the public debate, as a journalist and as a writer. She`s such an amazing and inspiring woman – she thought she was going to die some years ago, and look where she`s now? Damn, her “story” is so inspirational and it`s wonderful to see how far she`s come.

A lot of what she said, means a lot to me. One thing she talked about, was how we should see human beings for what they are – human beings. We need to ask the difficult questions, we need to pay attention to the kids who`re a little too fussy or noisy, instead of telling them to be quiet. We need to ask them why they`re behaving that way.

This reminds me of something I encountered several years ago. I was in 7th grade, had just finished cleaning up the classroom and was on my way out. After the break it was time for sports. I wasn`t able to find my gym bag, so I looked for it everywhere. In the classroom, in the toilet. I couldn`t find it. I went to the hall and told the teacher about this, whereas she told me to go and look for it once more. I went to the Music room, I went to the library, but I didn`t find it. I went back to the gym hall, watched the other kids running around. After the lessons, I let the girls know that I thought they knew where my bag is. Of course they denied it, and the teacher looked at me and told me to calm down. We were in the wardrobe. Why was it always me? She didn`t understand why I was reacting that way – hadn`t these people bullied me for a long time? It was as if those girls could never do such of a thing, it was as if being bullied for a long time was nothing.

Instead of trying to understand me, she told me to calm down and not accuse them. Instead of trying to get closer to me, she told me all the things she should`ve told the other students. Instead of experiencing that others might try to understand you and approach you in one way or another, one meets everything else and this way too often makes the situation worse. It`s important to ask both kids and grown-ups how they`re doing, why they`re doing what they`re doing. Don`t judge others. Try to be the person people can rely on, dare to be yourself and be kind. Always.

Because if there`s one thing I know, it`s that you might not know it there and then, but words can save lives. They can save us, and leave deep scars. So be careful about what you say and what you leave.

20, NOT 16

Guess who`s turning 20 and officially can announce she`s old now? And who`s having her moments of giggling and joy? Haha, that`s me!I`m 20 now, guys!! I`m not 12 anymore. I can`t believe it. Where did time go? I feel like I turned 16 just yesterday. It`s scary to step into the twenties, but at the same time, I can`t stop time.

My birthday has been great, I went out to eat with my family. Now I`m going to lie in my bed, embrace the attention I`ve been getting today and go to bed when my birthday is over. 🙂 Today`s been good, but if I know myself right, I`m going to wake up with an existential crisis tomorrow.

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NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS

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Two days ago I got to know Nannestad High-School, the high-school I went to, has got a new principle. He was retired, that`s why. For some reason, I felt sad about that. However, I really hope the new principle deals with situations like mine differently.

When I still was a high-school student, the principle didn`t really help me as much as I wanted him to. He didn`t take me seriously, nor did he towards the end keep his words. In September 2014 I let him know how I was doing and when he or the teachers didn`t really do much to be there for me, I sent the letter I had sent to the principle, right away to the newspaper.

Do I regret it? No. I was tired of being treated that way, by some of the teachers, by the principle and let`s not forget my classmates.

However, once I was told by one of my classmates that I should stop ruining the school`s reputation. I believe the school did that job a little too well on their own. Don`t get me wrong – I don`tt hate the school, the principle, the teachers or any of the students. But what happened, shouldn`t have happened and after all, I was the one who had to deal with loneliness., so why isn`t it okay for me to speak up?

The schools here opened a few days ago and thousands of kids have begun at school. Many haven`t been looking forward to it, which I find very sad. It`s so important that we have principles and teachers at schools that take care of the youngsters and really do see them. I know it can be hard sometimes to exactly know what to do in situations like these – how do you deal with bullying? And what do you do when a kid comes to you, to tell you they`re lonely? We can`t allow the grown-ups at schools to not do anything. That`s unacceptable. No matter what – do something to help. If you`re not able to solve the problems, then at least be there for the person who`s feeling lonely. Don`t do what most of my classmates did to me.

I really hope the last principle learned something from me and my situation and I really hope the current principle knows better how to deal with bullying and lonely youngsters. We are the ones that have to go out in the world with the bad experiences we`ve had at school. There are so many people whom were bullied 15-20 years ago or dealt with loneliness and still have anxity, depression or eating disorders. I`m one of many that have ended up not trusting people easily, it`s hard for me to believe in the things they say.

This isn`t what it`s supposed to be like and I really hope nobody at Nannestad or anywhere else ever have to deal with what I had to deal with, even though I know the reality is completely different. That`s why we need principles and teachers that care about the youngsters. That see them, see everything that`s happening and don`t act like it`s a stand-up show.

 

THOUGHTS

I passed the test  and my vacation started the 1st of June. It`s unbelieveable. That unbelieveable, that now I`m asking myself what I am to do. What do I do now? I have two and a half months to do whatever I want to. I can`t waste it just like that, I need to do something meaningful. I can`t get up late every day, I can`t spend the days watching TV or my favourite serials. I need to be productive. So? I`m going to do some studying. I`m going to do 4 courses next semester, so I need to hang in there. I`m also going to read a lot of books – I borrowed and ordered several books from the library during my exams, that I wanted to read but told myself to wait for the exams to finish. I`ve already started reading and I can`t wait to find out what I am to learn this summer.

I needed a short break. My mind has been everywhere and I`m such a confusing person. My mind will be in Tokyo one hour and the next in Paris. You get it. For instance – I was so sure I wanted to do history as a minor, but two days ago I had no idea and looked up all the choices I had. Don`t you think I got even more confused? I still don`t exactly know, so I ended up applying for only the courses I`m going to do for Anthropology.

What else have been going on? I`ve been losing faith in humanity. Again and again. Some days ago London happened to be victim of terror. How can someone do that? I see the hate in the comment sections, I see how we discuss everything and nothing up and down and yet we have no answers. So many of the discussions we had many years ago, are discussions we`re still having and it`s as if we keep going and going, but we don`t know where we`re going. One evening I was exhausted due to that, that I told myself I don`t like humans. In one way that`s true, because you never know what they might end up doing one day.

I`ve also been thinking about my grandmother and how she died. Or how she ended up leaving me, leaving us. She didn`t give us a warning. The doctors did say we should start preparing ourselves for the end, but I didn`t want to believe them because miracles do happen. I prayed for a miracle to happen, but it never happened. All of a sudden she was dead. Maybe it wasn`t something that happened suddenly. All I know is that I really miss her and I wish she was here.

God, I really don`t know what`s the point with this post, but I wanted to let it out. I know way too many bloggers who have a positive blog all the way and act like life`s perfect. I know some people prefer to read blogs that give them motivation and inspiration, but what`s inspirational to me, are people who show all aspects of life. Who don`t mind being personal and saying “hey, I`m having a very bad day”. I guess that`s what this is. A post in which I`m trying to say that my mind`s been a mess and there have been moments where I didn`t know what to do, but that`s life. I know I`ll be okay soon enough, if not now.

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IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT

OKAY, GUYS!!!!!!!

I`m going to AMSTERDAM!! Yep, you heard right. After so many years, I`m finally going. AH, I`m SO HAPPY!!! For so long I had to act like nothing. I`ve been waiting for so long, I`ve been quiet for so long, I`ve been shouting for so long, but most of all I`ve been dreaming. All along I`ve known my dreams don`t mean that much to some people around me. But now? Now I`m freaking going to Amsterdam and I`m going to the Anne Frank House.

I`m SO EXCITED! Talk about time, really. After all this year, I`m off to The Netherlands. In 6th grade we were supposed to write a little about every country the school`s students represented. I wrote about the Netherlands. We had a paper for each country, and on it we had some few lines to write about the country, we draw and coloured the map, we marked its location on a little map and draw something that the country is known for. The paper has been with me ever since. Right now it`s on the wall. God knows why. Maybe it was the sign of my dreams.

For as long as I can remember I`ve looked up to Anne Frank, I`ve been inspired by her and I`ve ordered books about her from God-knows-where. So it`s really about time. This is a big thing for me and I`m enchanted. Imagine being where she once used to be.

And let`s not forget that dreams do come true. I`ve been waiting for so long and sometimes it seemed hopeless, but very soon I`ll be on the plane, on my way to Amsterdam and nobody can stop me. Because you know what they say? Great things take time and great things happen at the right time.

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PS: Great news to start this month with! I mean, you-know-who has birthday in June, so… 😉