THE LAST TIME

Remember last year when we celebrated my cousins` birthday, grandma?

You were in the nursing home, so we had a short celebration there. My grandfather, my aunt, my uncle, I, you and of course the birthday kids. We sat around the bed and S & S cut the cake. You smiled. You tasted the cake a little, the rest of us ate some cake and talked about things I don`t really remember. But I do remember you. How can I ever forget.

I don`t know if you knew it was going to be the last birthday you got to be a part of. I don`t know if you could feel it, either inside your heart or through the atmosphere. I`m not sure if I knew it, deep inside, but it didn`t come to my mind. You lived enough to see them turn nine years old, you lived enough to see me grow up and become a young lady. I`m happy you got to celebrate their last birthday, but also sad about all the ones you`ve missed, because you`re not here with us anymore. We celebrated their tenth birthday last week and it was fun, but you weren`t there. For the very first time you weren`t there. I can`t get over how fast life changes, how you`re not here today and how you`re never going to give me a hug. This is crazy and I can feel it too much. I never celebrated my 19th birthday with you, but I`m happy on behalf of my cousins who got to celebrate one last birthday with you.

I know you loved your grandchildren a whole lot and we all miss your love, we miss your hugs and you might worry about them, but I can assure you I`m always going to be there for S & S and take care of them.

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AM I TOO NAIVE?

 

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On Monday I talked to one of the professors at my faculty. I told him I`ve felt lonely some few times, and he asked me if I was available to meet him. I`m thankful that he took the time to meet me.

The best advise he could give me, was to engage myself in an organisation or union, which I`ve tried, but I`m going to give it a try again. I appreciate the advice, but for me it`s still sad to see how there`s some sort of group mentality and how some people seem to be alone most of the time. Am I supposed to just accept that? Even if the answer is yes, I have to say I can`t. I think it`d be a good thing if people actually bothered reaching out to people they don`t know. And what about the people that are alone? Maybe that`s what they want, but I also know that some people don`t want that. People could`ve said that about me too in high-school, but if I hadn`t let them know how I actually felt, they wouldn`t have known how lonely I was.

I can`t make myself believe that students, who`re doing a Bachelor or even Master, want to be alone. Even if you don`t want to make new friends, I think it`s nice to just interact with other people. Talk to them about the studies and discuss the syllabus. I want to attend a seminar where people aren`t always sitting alone, but sometimes I feel like I`m too naive.

Too naive for hoping for a society where we can actually live together. I feel naive for wanting people to come together and be one, I feel naive for thinking caring is so easy. I want people to feel great, I want them to feel good about themselves and their lives and it makes me sad to see people alone way too often, because it`s hard to believe people really want to be that much alone. I want more people to care, but I also know forcing won`t do anything good, so what are we supposed to do? I feel like I`m expecting too much. Are we supposed to let people go on with whatever they`re doing? Is everything we`re doing good enough? Do we care enough? Should we let the people who`re often sitting alone be, because that might be what they want?

I don`t have all the answers, but I`m not sure if I want to live in a world in which expecting kindness from other people, is too much to ask for.

ARE WE MADE TO HIDE WHAT WE FEEL INSIDE?

I`ve some few times felt this loneliness inside me at the university. I can`t figure out if it`s the feeling similar to the one I used to have in high-school. All I know is that it`s not a good feeling. I don`t exactly feel at home at the university.

Is there anyone who even does?

It`s too impersonal and I don`t exactly feel seen or heard there. Is it possible to not feel that way at the university? Don`t ask me.

For some time I`ve been considering letting someone who have some sort of influence and who also belong to my faculty, know. I`ve asked someone who I`m supposed to talk to, but I haven`t really gotten any clear answers. I`m been wondering whether I should post something in a Facebook group we have, maybe that`s the way.

But I caught myself thinking “maybe someone will think “oh, there she goes on again”.

Because I spoke up in Primary School too. In Secondary too. People like me were snitches. Let`s not forget the time I was frustrated and exhausted and sent the mail I had sent to the principle, forward to one of the biggest newspapers in Norway.  Not everyone enjoyed the attention I and the topic received. My fault, much was my own fault. I was pretty much the one who had been taking the wrong steps, I should`ve tried harder. Of course. Someone commented on my blog: “Hey i have the answer to your problems start on a new school…”. There`s no way that`s going to happen, I thought to myself and kept talking about loneliness and bullying.

That`s who I should be and want to be. Me thinking someone might think “oh, there she is again” was only a thought, but it was a very unnecessary thought. Seriously – WHO cares? Why should I let people stop me from telling how I feel? Are we made to hide how we feel inside?

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I don`t believe so. Don`t let other people stop you from talking about how you feel inside. We feel what we feel, we can`t erase our feelings or act like they`re not there. Running away from your feelings is a race you`ll never win. Instead, talk about how you feel.  I think some people sometimes forget to have a look at themselves.

Because after all, we`re all humans and we share many of the same emotions every single day.

ON THIS DAY THREE YEARS AGO

This weekend I found an old newspaper, from 20th november 2014 to be exact. Three years ago since the letter I sent to the principle in high-school was published in the newspaper. I was very proud and I still am very proud (I would`ve expressed certain things in a different way, though). I remember me feeling a little too famous that week, haha. I loved the feedback. I believe it`s very important to stand up for yourself and speak up. Loneliness is something many people encounter, so why don`t we talk more about it?

Two years ago I posted the letter I sent to the newspaper, today I`m going to post the version that was actually published. 3 years ago, already. Time keeps running. I can`t believe it`s this long ago. There and then it might have felt like it was going to hurt forever, but it didn`t and the pain never intended to either.


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Students at my school sit alone in the classroom day after day. We`re like air for the others.

I don`t know where to begin. I`ve been thinking about this for more than month.

You`re probably wondering who I am and what I`m talking about. Let me explain some of it. I`m talking about the evilness at school. You might not call it that, but rather a social problem or what do I know. But in the very end, it`s evilness. Don`t you think it is when several students are sitting alone and nobody seems to care about them? Damn, just writing about this is frustrating and sad. Every day I see several students sitting alone. They`re just sitting there and are looking at nothing – as if they`re waiting for someone.

I always sit alone and the same does at least one girl I have two or three subjects with. I walk into the classroom, and everyone`s sitting with someone. No one cares about me sitting there. I could`ve just as well be gone or not exist. Almost all of the girls at school are caught up with make-up and looks. Passing them hurts, because you never really get a smile. What hurts is meeting a youth which is self-centered and doesn`t really care about other people.

It hurts to sit alone at school for 6-8 hours almost every single day. When almost everyone`s sitting with somebody, and the ones who`re left alone is just plain air. If anyone actually cares, they can just easily walk up to me and drop by for a little chat? One year ago I was new at this school, and to add to it I was from Oslo. Which means that I didn`t know a name, while the other students at least knew one name.

Is this what you as a principle stands for? I hope you never meant to make it like this, but at the same time I guess it`s okay to you because you haven`t done anything about it. You might not be able to do anything about this, because it`s not really possible to make someone who doesn`t want to be nice, nice. But you can at least realize what`s going on around you. The teachers need to be more aware, and the students need to understand that they can`t keep this up anymore.

Why have we have teachers who don`t care about that someone`s sitting alone time after time in the classroom and is lonely? Why do we have a principle who`s not seeing this and doing something about this? I don`t get it.

 

Q&A ABOUT ME

1. What was your favourite subject in school?

History! There`s something so interesting and fascinating about history – try to imagine how many people lived before us on this planet and everything that`s ever happened. It`s a lot to take in! My favourite topics are Second World War and the Holocaust.

2. What’s your favourite drink?

Milkshake. I don`t drink coffee or tea, so if I`m hanging out with someone I usually get myself a milkshake. I also make myself some quite a lot at home.

3. Favourite song at the moment?

I can`t pick one, so here are three of my favourite songs at the moment: Logic by 1-800-273-8255 ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid, 13 beaches by Lana Del Rey and Only Human by Joakim Lundell ft. Sophie Elise.

4. Do you participate in any sports?

No, haha! I`m not an athletic person at all. I played handball for six months when I was in Secondary, and I didn`t enjoy it most of the time.

5. Favourite Book?

The Diary of A Young Girl, by Anne Frank. Goes without saying.uten navn

6. Favourite holiday?

AMSTERDAM 2017!! For sure. A dream come true, really. I love wearing my “I love Amsterdam”-hoodie. I still sort of can`t believe I`ve already been there. I`m definetely going back one day, to explore the city more. 🙂

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7. Have you graduated High School?

Yeah, I did June 2013. A little crazy to think I`m already on my second year at the university.

8. Have you been out of the country?

Yeah, several times. I don`t know exactly how many times, as I went to Pakistan when I was a little kid, but more than 5 times for sure! I`ll get back to you on that one.

9. Do you speak any other Languages?

I can speak a little bit German, otherwise I speak Urdu and English.

10. Do you have any siblings?

I have a younger brother.

11. Do you like school?

I`m studying at the university now, but I still call it school, haha. If I like it? Yes and no? It`s kind of complicated, as it`s hard to explain. I like learning new things and I pretty much enjoy the seminars, but universities aren`t personal. There are so many people, and people who`re studying with me, aren`t good at trying to plan social things to do. Groups were made the first weeks and that`s what it`s pretty much been like. Very sad, to be honest.

12. Favourite YouTubers?

I wouldn`t say they`re my favourites, as I don`t really follow many YouTubers, but I do like Zoella`s channels and Alfie Deyes` vlogs.

13What phone do you have?

I have perhaps the oldest version of Samsung. My phone is quite old and I like it that way. I only need to call people and send SMS anyways. 🙂

14. How tall are you?

I`m 1.70. When I was in Primary School, I was one of the tallest girls in my class, but now I find myself looking down at my feet, while thinking “wow, you`re not that tall”, haha…

15- What do you like spending your money on?

I still don`t have a job, so so far I spend my parents` money, haha. That`s kind of true, but I don`t buy as much as I perhaps would`ve have had if I had my own job. I like spending money on books, travelling, memories and clothes.

ON REPEAT

She looks at me and I already know what`s coming next

“so how have you been? What have you been doing?”

I could tell her so many things.

I`ve been studying, I`ve been visiting new places, I`ve been learning about new cultures and socities. I`ve been wondering if loneliness and over-thinking actually can kill people on the inside. I`ve been missing my grandmother, I know that`s perhaps nothing new, but it still matters. A lot. I`ve been thinking of things I`m going to do, quotes I`m going to save for 5 years older me. I`ve been missing people, thinking they probably don`t even miss me. I`ve been having nice conversations with people I love. I`ve been feeling lonely. I`ve been confused about life. I could go on and on like that.

Like so many other times, all that comes out of my mouth is:

“Nothing much, I`ve been doing okay. What about you?”

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//Photo: source

IT WAS NOT A COINCIDENCE

Today I saw a lady, who I instantly recognised.

I was on my way  to the train station. Since I missed the train, I spent the time in the drugstore and in a bookshop. I always look around me wherever I go, I notice people that walk by me, I take in the circumstances I`m in. At days like these I`m even more glad I have a habit of doing that, because today, I saw this lady.

I only had a couple of minutes, so I asked myself whether I had the time to greet her. I told myself it`s no big deal and started walking behind her. “Excuse me?” No response. “Excuse me?” She didn`t turn around. I tap her on her shoulder and she stopped, turned around and she probably recognised me.

“Do you recognise me?” I said, with a grin on my face. It sort of looked like she hadn`t forgotten me.

She hadn`t forgotten me.

I asked how she was doing and gave her a hug.

“I`m 20 now.” I felt like an oldie, while saying that. Damn, I`m actually 20. Thankful and scared at the same time. She was a little shocked. Time sure flies. I asked her how she was doing, gave her another hug and we went out separate ways. I was again on my way to the train station, God knows where she was going and where she actually ended up.

Life`s weird. All of a sudden you meet someone you haven`t met in ages. Sometimes you notice a person you know, sometimes you don`t. Imagine if I hadn`t noticed her today? Maybe today was the last time.

Last time I saw her, was back in 2010. More than seven years ago. I don`t know where she had been and she doesn`t really know where I`ve been, but today we met each other, which was very nice. This lady was there for me, seven years ago. She kept me warm, she listened to me and gave me my own little space at school, when I was young and being bullied. At one point she also gave me this cuttle little black and white sea, which I slept with for some years. When I think of it, I actually had a lot to tell her today, but hopefully we`ll meet again one day soon.

Thank you say much, Inge-Lise. I`m thankful for the love and care you gave me, during my time in primary. You were one of the few people at that time, that listened to little me. I`m very sure us meeting today wasn`t an coincidence. Maybe destiny wanted you to meet me, so it could whisper in your ear “Look, she`s become a young lady and she`s doing good.”

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