you`re still a little kid and maybe you already think you`re mature, way more mature than kids your age. that is true, but there`s still so much you have to learn, understand and see for yourself. there`s so much that you still need to know.
this letter isn`t going to be another “this-is-what-you-have-to-be-aware-of”, because I trust you know to know that you`ll know when the time`s right. everything will happen when it`s meant to happen. what I want to tell you, is that a lot is going to happen to you, but don`t you dare give up. you`ll hurt. a lot. it`ll feel like your blood has run dry, but don`t you ever stop fighting for yourself. you`ll realise that love isn`t the same for everyone. you`ll learn that not everyone has the same heart but don`t stop believing in the good in people, because what would be the point to do great things in the world then? you`ll learn that not everyone will appreciate the things you do or notice the things you do for them, but that doesn`t necessarily mean there`s something wrong with you. keep standing up for yourself and other people that are treated in a way that`s not acceptable. keep raising your voice, stay engaged and know that someone out there is being inspired by you. there will be people in your life who will tell you to be a little more quiet, to not take so much space but let them know you deserve to do what you want to do and let them especially know who you really are. it might feel like being kind and sensible isn`t the right thing to do, but consider them your strengths because these are the two characteristics that will get you far in life. and remember to use them especially when you understand how life can be, when you understand more of what`s going in your life and how unfair humans can be. it`ll raise you up and make it easier for you to carry the heavy baggage.
people will come and go, but do always stay kind and lovely and I know you`re not really worried about it now, but I still want you to know that one day you`ll meet someone who`ll truly appreciate you and everything you have in that beautiful heart of yours. and please; you`re carrying so much love in your heart, do not forget to give some to yourself.
Honour killing in countries across is common, where a member of a family (or a community) believes the victim has brought dishonour upon the family, community or the society and take matters in their own hands by ending the victim`s life. That way, they`ll “regain” their honour and can move on with their lives. Qandeel Baloch was killed by her own brother at her parents` home. As some of you already know, I`ve been watching “Baaghi” recently, which is a Pakistani drama serial based on Qandeel Baloch`s life. She was a social media star. A free spirited soul, a rebel with a cause who set out in search of success and hope for a better life, a small town girl with big dreams, much could be said about her. She chose to live according to her own terms, terms which came with a heavy price.
I watched the last episode again today and cried as if I was seeing it for the first time. I`m not going to write a lot about how much I love the serial or what it has done to me, I just want to share some words. I want to share the epilouge which got me thinking and hopefully got thousands of others thinking, as well. Because the questions asked are so legitimately, they`re so vulnerable and they`re so honest. Like Mevish Javed said: “Baaghi ended with a soul gripping epilogue that questioned societies misjudgements, a real tear jerker for sure. It had me feeling numb, heartbroken and distraught. This is the society we unfortunately are part of, a society that judges without understanding, a society that points fingers not realising 3 point back to them, a society that fails to realise you should fault the sin not the sinner. Qandeels actions may have been wrong, bold and judged but her intentions were to use the platform her situations created in order to provide for her poor family, despite having 6 brothers she became the man of the house.”
The epilouge was “Qandeel`s” voice, and here`s what she said (note that it`s my translation). Keep in mind that Qandeel was killed because she was, according to the society, bad and destructive for it:
“False honour and public frauds have taken the lives way too early of so many Qandeels like me. The right of handling and changing myself which God had given to me, was taken from me. I was bad for the society, a threat to people`s ethics. Despite how I was, I`ve left your world.
Without giving any explanations and without defending myself, I just want to ask this: the evilness has come to an end now, right? I mean, people`s ethics survived. What about the society? What happened with it? Is the society alright now? Hmm?”
Recently I`ve been thinking a lot about what it`s like to give so much to others who don`t see what you do for them. What it`s like to keep giving to people who don`t even give half as much back. God, it`s a feeling that hurts you to the bones. It makes you feel empty, it makes you feel like an idiot for being so nice to other people who don`t even appreciate it even though being kind isn`t negative. And yet you let it go the next day, put up a smile and act like nothing. Not because you`re not strong enough to confront the person, but because you tell yourself excuses and convince yourself he or she cares. Or that it`s okay, doesn`t really matter, let it be. Maybe it`s just how they are, maybe they have their own ways of showing that they care. Then, the next time you realise the people you care so much about don`t really care that much about you, you`re hurting. Again. Or maybe you always were hurting, but the fake smile did its magic.
I`ve been realising how certain people would rather cause drama and make issues out of little things, rather than fix them and try to be more understanding towards people. And I`ve been sad because I`ve been more aware of how some people just don`t care as much as I do. They won`t do the things you do for them. They`ll just take and take and take, and you`ll be left with… nothing? Oh, God. I don`t know. I just know that that`s where I`m not right now and I`m not going to allow myself to be there either, but it hurts. Everything would`ve just been easier if we were nicer towards each other, really.
The deadline for exchange studies was yesterday and of course I applied. I`ve applied different faculties, as I don`t really need to study social anthropology while I study abroad. I also ended up adding some more countries to my list, like the USA and France. But, of course there are some places I prefer more than others… Nevertheless, I`ll be happy to just get the opportunity to get out there. Imagine that? Packing your life in a suitcase and “moving” to another country for 3-4 months? How thrilling and nerve-wrecking isn`t that?
I`ll get a mail from the university in a couple of days, which I`m both excited and nervous about. I`m glad we don`t have to wait so long!
“What is it?”, she says.
I`m sitting at the couch. The black couch. It`s not my first time here, yet it feels like it`s the first time. Everything has changed.
I`m looking down at hands. That`s the easiest thing to do. I didn`t know my nails look so weird. I tell myself to paint them red when I get home.
“I`m asking you something – what is it?”
There`s a lot I want to say, but I don`t want to. I guess the saddest thing is that sometimes it easier to say nothing. Not everyone knows how to fix something that`s broken anyways, so what`s the point.
“How am I supposed to know when you`re not telling me anything?”
As if you`re supposed to know anything, I think to myself. I don`t say anything. Of course I don`t. I trusted you once, I`m not trusting you again. I shared my secrets with you. Nobody knew them, but you weren`t nobody so I shared them with you. With fear and hope dancing with each other, I shared them. And oh, dear. I regret it too much.
“Don`t you trust me?”
“Would you trust someone who`ve broken your trust once?
I can tell my words hit her. Hard. She doesn`t know what to say. That`s what I wanted.
“I`ll tell you absolutely everything, I`ll share my secrets with you all over again only if you are able to break a plate and put it back together to exactly what it was. I don`t care how you do it, as long as it goes back to the way it was before. ”
She`s staring at her nails. Now it`s her time to study her nails. They look far better than mine, by the way.
“Do you get it now?”
Winter this year is treating us quite well. At least that`s what I think. I`m sure a fair share of the majority believe it`s cold, even though it`s -2 today. It`s been worse, so I`m not going to complain. Plus it means that I can wear less “warmer” clothes! I find it weird how people in Pakistan call +15 for “winter”. It makes me laugh. I remember I saw kids who were covered up in big jackets when I was in Pakistan in December three years ago… And it was almost +20? That`s insane. +20 here is like proper summer here in Norway, so +20 was more than okay for me who doesn`t love heat. But my family in Pakistan thought it was blooming cold and proper winter. They sure haven`t been to Norway, haha.
I`ve been at school today. We had a history lecture today, about the USA and how they became a nation with so much power. Interesting, buuuut I`m looking way much more forward to the Second World War and especially Holocaust! I managed to forget my lunch at home, so guess who went straight to the kitchen just as she came home? I`m glad I didn`t have a long day today.
It`s not always that easy to take pictures, haha.. my lovely red jumper with a skirt. Thought I`d try something a little difference.
Hope this Wednesday`s treating you all well. Celebrate love today and every day!
When I was on my way to the train station yesterday morning, I saw the sunrise. It was so beautiful, I could see the sun rising. It`s amazing that no matter what happens, the sun will always rise up and we`ll all witness the same sun.
I`m sitting here in my favourite red jumper, ready for school. I decided to go a little later today, since I have only one lecture today. Very happy about that! I also need to finish my application for exchange studies. We`ll get a response already next week, which I`m very excited but also nervous about. Wishing everyone an amazing day!