DID YOU KNOW

did you know when you were leaving.

did your body give you any warnings

like “hey, I can`t do this anymore”.

did you already know

or

did your soul all of a sudden decided to go

like “hey, let`s go”.

 

did you know.

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//written by me. 

 

 

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EASIER, BUT STILL SO DAMN DIFFICULT

“Shouldn`t ask you how you`re doing, because you`ll ask me the same, maybe just for the sake of it, and I don`t really know what to say”.

Imagine if I hadn`t gone to Pakistan, imagine the regrets I`d be having at this very moment. Imagine if I hadn`t changed the date of my ticket or stayed here. I don`t think I can explain properly to anyone how relieved I`m feeling. I can`t explain to anyone how lucky I feel for being given the opportunity to meet my grandfather one day before he died. I feel so incredibly lucky, I can`t say that enough times. It was worth the money, the effort, the time. Everything.

I just came back from spending a month in Pakistan and it goes without saying that I miss being there, especially with my family. It`s going to take time for me to “go back to normal”, but honestly? It feels like some people don`t understand these kind of things. It`s as if they expect you to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I`m glad it`s the holidays now, because it gave me the possibility to stay in Pakistan for a month and I don`t have to show up at school.

If you were to ask me how I`m doing, I don`t know. One moment I`m in tears, the next I feel okay. Since this is the third time a family member of mine has died, I sort of knew it was coming. It hurts to think that my grandfather is not physically among us anymore. I won`t be asking my mum how he`s doing because I know she talks to him at least once a week and I won`t be able to ever see him again. The idea of him not physically existing is still very new to me and just thinking about it makes me cry. I wish I had went to Pakistan in March to visit him. Despite everything, I feel quite good knowing that I went to see him one last time and knowing that I got to spend as much time as I got to spend with him considering I`m his oldest grandkid.

A part of me wants to delete everyone in my friend list and get on a plane as soon as possible, but that`s just my head. I`m glad I`m going to the Netherlands, I need changes in my life. I kind of wanted to cut my hair short again when I was in Pakistan – who knows if I end up doing that when I`m in the Netherlands. Social media is too much, most people are too much.

Everyone grieves in different ways and I know that I need time. Time to process it, time to get used to it even though I`ll never be completely used to him not being around. Time to… think about it, even though it hurts. Time to cry, to feel everything deeply. Hopefully it won`t hurt like this forever.

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//photo: source

 

 

 

 

 

WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN

God, where do I even begin. Who knew I was going to spend a month in Pakistan with my family? And who knew my grandfather was going to die?

The past month has been sad, weird, nice, tragic, beautiful, strange, pleasant, heartbreaking. I can`t tell you enough how happy and relieved I am that I went to Pakistan just on time and got to meet my grandfather. I can`t express how relieved I am. I still wish I had went earlier, but God had a plan and at least I got to meet him one last time. Oh, I was so lucky. I`m sitting in my room as I`m writing this and it`s as if I can feel the relief in my bones.

In the middle of May my mum came home and was worried about my grandfather. I never wrote about this, nor did I really tell much to anyone, but he had cancer and was getting treatment. Despite his age and the fact that he travelled back and forth from Mandi to Islamabad for a couple of weeks for his treatment, he was doing fine. My mum was in Pakistan in March and when I said “I wish I could go too”, I was talking about my grandfather. But he was doing fine, until his condition got worse in the middle of May. I was ready to visit him during summer, but then the awful news came. To me they were enough – I got scared and started thinking “I should go. I have to go”. I was in the middle of my exams and meanwhile my mum decided to leave for Pakistan. I wanted to go too, but didn`t say much until the day before her flight. With tears in my eyes I told her I want to go too, and my ticket was booked. I`ve already told you guys this, but I can`t say it enough times: My flight was on the 28th of May. On the 26th we noticed that my Pakistani passport had expired and I had to get an urgent visa. Thanks to my dad I got it fixed, but meanwhile my mum changed the departure date to the 31st of May. My visa got fixed and I got worried – “isn`t 31st of May too late?” I changed it again, because I wasn`t capable of waiting anymore. I packed my suitcase and went.

I landed in Pakistan 29th of May.

My grandfather died the 30th of May.

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My grandfather recognised me, even though he was in so much pain. He put his hand on my head and hugged me. I don`t know if he knew, but I think he knew. He was in so much pain. The craziest part for me is that he died in front of me. I was right there when it happened, he took his last breathe in front of me. I still think I`m in shock, it makes me very sad to think about everything that happened. How everyone was crying and how it felt like time stopped for a few moments. It was… weird to see him dead. Tragic. Unbelieveable. One minute he was there, the next he wasn`t. His empty room, the silence, the emptiness. Nobody will be able to fit his shoes.

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I was there during all the religious ceremonies. My flight home was on the 10th of June, but thinking about it brought tears to my eyes. My uncle paid quite a high amount to change the date, which I`m very thankful about. I got to spend more time with my uncles, aunts, cousins, other family members and other people there that I spent time with. I`m very grateful about that. We went out a few times, to eat ice cream. I did a little shopping and got to visit some family members. There were 9 kids living in the house at most and all of my mum`s siblings. It was nice to be together again, eat Iftari together and be together on Eid, even though the atmosphere was different. I got to meet four cousins for the first time, which was amazing. I miss everyone so much, I wish I had woken up in Pakistan today.

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I`m back in Norway. Right now I`m sitting in my room, which is weird. I say this after each trip, but really – yesterday I was there, now I`m here. Life`s so weird, I can`t get over it. I had other plans for this summer, but life happened. Who thought all that would happen? On top of it one decision I made has so much to say. It`s shocking to think about it, but everyone`s on their way back home now and the world doesn`t stop for anyone. This chapter is already over and all we can do now is look forward to another one. After all, my grandfather want us all to be happy and to always stay together.

I don`t know what to say, which explains how I`m feeling right now. maybe I don`t even know what I`m feeling.

in three and half years, I`ve lost three family members. all due to cancer. almost two days ago my grandfather took his last breathe. I was right there.

it`s weird to think about that. my ticket was booked for Monday, but when I found out my Pakistani passport had expired, the departure date was changed to Thursday. I got my Pakistani visa and had at least a houndred conversations with myself about whether I should change it or not. in the end I made the telephone call and changed the departure date again.

let`s just say I`m glad I did that. if I hadn`t, the plane would`ve arrived today and it would have been too late.

it`s weird and shocking to think about how much difference one decision can make. I`m glad I at least got to meet him one last time, but I`m also in shock. when did this happen.

rest in peace, my Dear Grandfather. you`re deeply missed.

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STILL UNBELIEVEABLE

I don`t know, but it`s as if I`ve ended up on a sort of sad road the past few days. I`ve been thinking a lot about Tim Bergling, and the latest news about his sudden death has made me think more about it.

I`m not a person who`s able to think that death isn`t a sad thing. I hope Tim is in a better place right now and that he`s making music somewhere up there without feeling the pressure, but I`m sad about what happened because I wish he was alive right now and felt love and support. I wasn`t a blood fan of Avicii, but I listened to his songs a few years ago. What makes me so sad are the circumstances, everything he must have been feeling considering his documentary which came out last year and the fact that he was 28 years old. He was still young and supposed to live life. He was supposed to be here, among us. I read a comment on Instagram earlier which said something along the lines of “now we have the memories”. That word made me so sad. “Memories”. That`s way too true. People who went to some of his concerts only have photos, videos and the flashbacks in their minds as memories. It must be weird to have been on one of his concerts and now know you`re never ever going to get that possibility now. It must be weird to know that the person who was standing in front of you, rocking the music industry and making you feel so much, now is dead. One week has passed and this is still unbelieveable.

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Sometimes when things like this happen, I “stop”, breathe and do a lot of thinking. Perhaps it drives me crazy, but I`ve been struggling with questions about life, people and death for quite some time now. I`m used to it. It`s nothing really that bad, it`s just my mind. I don`t understand death, I don`t know what it is. It`s weird and sad to think about how we`re born and how we all do things, when we know we`re going to die. Is that why we`re doing so much? Some people want to be rich, get a big house and become famous as if they`re going to stay here forever. Life`s not forever – that`s a scary thought. But people around me make it seem like it`s forever, when they take life and people for granted.

I wish I didn`t have any exams to revise for. I`d rather write down my thoughts about death, than about Malinowski. Ooooor when I think about it – perhaps not. The examinator would probably start wondering what`s up with me.

IT`S AS IF DEAD PEOPLE RECEIVE MORE FLOWERS

“It`s as if a person gets more attention when he`s dead”.

I was about to tweet this the other day, but didn`t because it was perhaps too “dark” and I thought it`s better to keep it to myself. But here I am, sharing.

I`ve been thinking about Avicii and how he`s just… not anymore. It happens quite a lot when someone famous dies and it was worse when my uncle and grandmother died. No one doesn`t really know what kind of thoughts I have, which I`m happy about. Like I said the other day; I`m glad nobody has access to my mind. It`s just… I can`t understand how people just fall asleep forever. People are sad about Avicii`s death, but what`s made it all worse, is how he was so young. Nobody expected this to happen. The guy made the soundtrack of so many people`s lives and him just not being anymore, is a weird thought. My mind doesn`t understand.

People on social media have been sending him more love and thoughts than ever. Isn`t that a little crazy? Crazy and sad. Don`t get me wrong, it`s great that people have a place to share their thoughts and condolences, and remember him, but it`s as if he`s getting more love now than ever because he`s not anymore. Because people realise now what he actually was. Because people are going to miss him now. Why? Where was everyone before all this? I know his fans loved him and appreciated what he did, but you can see the difference.

It`s like Anne Frank wrote: “Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.” It sounds too honest. It`s something I`ve experienced too. Once someone is near death or is dead, many of us come running and “suddenly” have so many regrets. Some of us show more love than ever and I just wonder where they were before.

Ah, these thoughts are a little too complex and thinking about death is both confusing and scary, because I`m not going to get all of the answers anytime soon. I hope I won`t, but I guess I just wish more people showed this much love, sympathy and understanding every single day and not only when people die.

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WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Just a while ago the news said “Avicci is dead”. First I thought it might be a joke, but it`s true. I`m sad, but most of all I`m shocked. What just happened? Wasn`t he alive some hours ago? We don`t know why he died, but I just can`t help it… Suddenly it all hits you. He was 28, and is already gone. He was too young to die. You never really know when you`ll be gone. Life can be so scary sometimes. Four years ago I was listening to his music and today he`s gone. People are leaving long messages on his social media as if he`s reading everything from up there. I feel like that`s what happened right after a person dies – we remember them, we think of them and we share condolences and love on their social media. It`s as if people come running to you when you`re dead, it`s as if people understand how much you`re actually worthy once you`re not there.

Ah, I just don`t get this.

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