This is something I wrote back in 2014, pretty much right after my speech. I write a lot, but don`t share much of it, so feel lucky, guys! This will give you an insight into what my mind was thinking back then. Quite funny and a little sad to read, actually. I`m a little disappointed about how I haven`t been able to be this much optimistic, but I also know how certain things changed and that I perhaps was too optimistic, if that`s even possible. But, I`m proud of myself and I`ll always be proud of myself for doing this. Anyways, hope you enjoy reading this. 🙂
(PS: I edited this a little bit as I perhaps was a liittle tooo high when I wrote this. Not as in “drunk-high”, haha. I also had some spelling mistakes, that I wanted to get rid of).
This week has been so special and extraordinary. My face and a piece of my heart have been in the newspaper. Two months ago I sent a letter to the principle. We had a meeting, and he sent me over to the councelors. We started this room where anyone can come during lunch or the free period at Tuesdays. But to me, that wasn`t enough. I wanted to jump into it. I wanted to do something which would make people surprised and impressed. It took me five minutes of my life to start that. I sent the letter to the newspaper, and expected them to only publish it in the Si ;D-coloumn in the newspaper, like they did more than two years ago. Little did I know. They sent me a message, where they said they really liked the letter and want to publish it. They also wanted to bring the case further on, with an interview of me and the principle. The principle said yes, and this Tuesday they showed up at our school. At Thursday I was to be found in the newspaper, and yesterday I had the speech. That was one of the bravest things I`ve ever done.
Talking about bullying and speaking your mind is a sin to some people. This society has become on of those societies where speaking about your problems and sad past is a stupid thing, because people will end up looking at you in a totally different and weird way. No wonder why people who cut themselves, cut themselves quietly without saying a word. No wonder why girls and boys cry themselves to sleep every night. As the girl I am, I`ve never cared about that. I`m open, and if people don`t want to know the real me, they`re just not worth it. Some people seem like they care – you tell them all of your secrets for them to end up leaving you some time after. That`s why I sent the letter. Not only for myself, but for the millions of people out there who`re lonely. Who feel lonely. I care, like some other people. But I showed it too, unlike so many people.
I got up 6 o clock yesterday. Wanted to show up at school way earlier than later, just in case. Yesterday was going to be a big day to me. No doubts. I got ready, and 06.30 I was on my way out. On my way to school I felt butterflies in my stomach – the good and nervous ones. I tried to relax, but it wasn`t possible because I was going to do something so special and heart-touching. I was at school an hour and a quarter earlier, and we tried to make the projector work, but it didn`t. I went to the library to print out my speech just in case, and the lady who works there called me a “newspaper-popstar”. That made me glad, and they were going to have my letter and the article on the wall in the library! Oh, it`s so good to know that what I did, means something to people and they look up to it! I printed out my speech, and went back to the audotorium. The projector wasn`t working, so I couldn`t show any videos about the topic. But it wasn`t really a big deal. The main point was to tell my story anyways.
The clock was nine, and people came in and sat down. We were 4-5 classes. Oh, My God! I swear, those teachers just wanted to make me even more nervous. But having more people there, was only a good thing. I started by asking how many of them had read the article and letter, and everyone had heard about it at least. Good, good! I talked about what had been going on the past few weeks. The letter, the meetings, the newspaper and the interview, before it was all published in the newspaper on Thursday. Talking about that was easy, but telling my own story as a victim of bullying was harder. Happily I was able to talk all the way, even though my voice cracked a little and I started crying. I think it`s normal to cry when you talk about something from your past which hurted you. I told them about what had happened, about the principle at Bjørndal (the primary school I went to) who didn`t care, about the teacher who ticked me off because she blamed it on me, about the boy at Østmarka who made especially the boys believe I was the bully. I know people were shocked and surprised, and they woke up a little more. I don`t know why people are so mean, and I also mentioned that. I don`t know why it happened to me, because I had done nothing to them. But it was good to let it out and speak about it. In front of more than 100 people. When I was done, some people said some things. Some few people said they didn`t understand, because they`ve been trying and I should try way more. I think those people who “attacked” me forgot the fact that this wasn`t only about me, but about millions of people out there who feel the exact same way. I know so many people out there who do feel this way. Happily some people defended me and said everything isn`t up to me and I sure feel this way for some reason. Some people are just so kind and.. Oh, God. I`m so sentimental right now, but whenever people are there for me and make me happy by saying good things to me, I just get too touched!
The teachers walked up to me and praised me. I couldn`t stop crying of happiness. What had I just done? I felt so weird and amazing at the very same time. Two girls came to me and said that was brave of me, and they`ve felt the same way at one point or another in life. I love when people can relate to bullying and walk up to me and tell me about it. Means so much to me! This other girl in my class wanted to talk to me privately, and she told me about herself. I won`t mention exactly what she said, but I was surprised and shocked. I`ve learned as the years passed that you never know what a person you see has been through before you actually talk to them and get to know them. I appreciated her talking to me, and she said “I just want you to know that I`m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, because I never meant to. I know how it is”.
We went back to the classroom, where the class wanted to say a lot of things about this. Some people said I have no reason to do that and they`ve tried, but everyone thought what I did was brave and it was good of me to do that. People said I`m mean, that I never did enough and I should try too. They`ve been doing a lot and they felt like it was never enough. First of all, most of those people who said that they`ve tried, were just lying. This one girl was saying we had this one conversation in German, and she has said hey and sat down with me to talk with me. I just thought “Oh My God, you`re such a liar”. Seriously? That girl was just being pathetic and so silly, so I don`t care about what she said. I don`t care about their words, because honestly – they didn`t really understand me. This wasn`t just written on behalf of me, but on behalf of other people too. Plus, it`s hard to know who`s right and good in a tragic world like this. Some people just haven`t seen much of the world, so they don`t know what they`re talking about. I was tired, and while working at school I just couldn`t focus. It had been a long day where I had let so much out, and I rather wanted to get out and let the impressions and reactions sink in. On my way home I thought about everything, and I`m just so proud of myself.
People have taken this so well, and they hope it helps other people. So do I! I know I left an impression on most people, and they know me better now. I believe that`s a good thing, so you can understand another person way better. I did what I wanted to for so long, and I`m so freaking happy about what I did! Sure, it was hard and I had to share a piece of myself, but I want to be remembered when I`m dead. I don`t want to live in vain. I want to be something and show people greatness. Yesterday was my day, and when I was home I was so proud of myself. The girls have decided to make my last days something special for me, and I`m so greatful that they`ve opened up their eyes now. I knew they weren`t the worst anyways. Someone`s father called her daughter and said they were impressed by my letter.
For some reason, I feel way more known and famous now! (Not that I am..) I`m sure I left and created some changes, and just knowing that, warms my heart! Thanks for the respect, love and the nice comments. It`s good to know I mean something to someone else.