IT MADE ME THINK OF HER

A few days ago my mum told me about a friend of her, who I also know and who`s mother-in-law was seriously ill. She had cancer.

Yesterday I got to know she died last Thursday.

It all brought me back to when it was my family who were in that situation. When my own grandmother was hospitalized. When the doctors said that we should get ready to be ready. Maybe this is weird to say, but now as I`ve been in that situation I understand it more. My heart now aches more for those who are in a situation like that, because I know what it can be like.

It`s weird how I sometimes find myself knowing where I was at this time two years ago. I can see myself sitting in a chair, next to my grandmother at the hospital. To be at the hospital can be difficult, to see someone you love ill and not being able to do much or anything at all about it can be extremely difficult, so I guess I understand those who don`t want to go to the hospital often. But I`m so glad that I spent that much time with my grandmother, because now I`ll never get to see her again. It was a painful situation to be in, but now is less painful than it could have been, because of the last memories that I have. Because I have less regrets than I could of have had.

When she died, I was shocked. I don`t know if it was because I had spent so much time beside her bed or because I had tried to be as hopeful as I could be. Nobody really knows how much I miss my grandmother. I strongly wish she had stayed longer with us and that I could call her from Maastricht just to ask her how she is.

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I understand what it must be like for my mum`s friend and her family and I`m very sorry for their loss. It can be unbearable to realise that someone who has always been there with you, all of a sudden never will be there with you again. And please take care of each other. It`s when it`s the most difficult that it gets more important that we are there for each other and show each other love. Tell the people you love, that you love them. Give them hugs, give them time. Because before you know it, it could be too late.

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WE MUST STAY UNITED

I`m sure everyone`s heard of what happened in Brussels, Belgium today. It`s awful and my heart and thoughts go out to those who`ve lost someone or are struck by this in any possible way.

It`s always important to stand by each other with solidarity and loyalty, but today it`s even more important. Whenever something like this happens, people have a lot to say. Either about Muslims, Terrorists or the pain and loss. There`s no doubt we`ll feel sorrow when such things happen, we`ll feeel anger and frustration. There are many questions and not that many answers.

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But some people, I swear. If looks could kill. We NEED to stand together and not be scared, we need to show love, we need to be there for each other. Always. Yet, some are more busy pointing out how we in Europa don`t care about Tyrkia, Syria or Lebanon. We think Muslims are less worthy (I think those idiots forgot there are many Muslims in Europe too) and we only feel sorrow when someone of our own die. And again, the same old shit – Muslims are terrorists and “those people aren`t Muslims” and “They`ve never read the Quran”. Mind giving me a break?

First of all, how the hell do you know whether someone has read the Holy Quran or not? It`s their matter, not yours. And I`ve said this before – whom are we to decide who`s a Muslim or not? Not to mention there might be things in Islam who`re not that good – what about that? And let`s NOT FORGET the many dictatorships in Middle East, the death penalty, the stonings, the lack of human rights. No Muslim I know talk about those countries? What excuse do you have for those people down there? And why don`t you point your index finger towards those countries?

I`m damn tired of those terrorists AND those people who talk like they know everything. When I told a Muslim about what happened in Belgium, he said “They enable it all on their own.”

So Muslims start barking up the wrong trees when we, according to them, cover what happens in Turkey less, BUT they don`t talk about what they do? Many accuse us for considering the Muslims as less worthy of happiness, but what about what Muslims do? Of course not everyone`s like this, but many more than what we`re aware of, are like this. When something happens in their countries they fall on their knees, but Belgium? No, Belgium can go to hell because they want to kill their own children on their own.

I`m not here to attack someone or blame someone. I believe in conversations and dialogues, I believe in eye-contact and face-to-face communication. BUT I also want to make people aware of the hypocrites out there. I want to let people know I`m sick of what`s going on out there.

I live in Norway, I`m a Norwegian Muslim. I`m proud of my country – does that make me less of a Muslim? I`m standing with Belgium today, do you feel sorry for me because I`m not standing with Turkey today? I think some people are too busy making the whole world feeling sorry for them. I heard about what happened in Turkey, that was bloody awful too and should`ve never happened. But I`ve never been there. It`s crazy, because I just realised I`ve never been to Belgium but I`ve been at the airport, where some of the attacks and explosions took place. People were only catching the tube or the train, some were on their way to another country. There`s no difference between our worth, but there`s a huge difference between how close we are to people. I was in Pakistan during the Peshawar attacks. The closer the suffering is, the bigger is the pain. That`s only natural. That doesn`t mean I don`t feel sorry for what happened in Turkey. Stop making a fuss about ridicuolous things. I catch the train every day, I`m at the airport almost every day because of school. What happened is so surreal and Belgium isn`t far away from Norway. I doubt people in Lebanon or Syria stood together like we here in Europa are standing together today the 22nd of July, 2011. Norway was attacked  by terror that day and I doubt Asian news covered the chaos here the same way we did.

We have a long way to go, we`ve got plenty of work. But these idiots aren`t doing anything helpful and it`s about time someone tell them to shut up. We need to fight extremism and radicalization and the fighting should start as soon as possible, but right now Belgium needs love and affection. Not hatred and disgust.

THE SAME OLD EXCUSES

Yesterday I visited the principle`s office.

It doesn`t matter that much, but it`s weird how MOT sent that e-mail to him even though I told them that I don`t want them to do that? Oh, about that e-mail. I sent one to MOT because I had enough. I wrote how Nannestad High-school doesn`t really do much at all, I explained my situation and how I`m tired of how my school makes it seem like they`re doing so much. However, the point here is that they received an e-mail they weren`t that happy with.

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The environmental worker and the principle`s assistent were there too and my point is not to attack them, but to ask and seek for answers I still haven`t got. It`s to let out some frustration. After the conversation I talked to some of my friends about it and even they agreed with me, which makes me even more passionated about this. It makes my points even more true and I don`t want to give up.

The principle claimed it was wrong of me to write about the whole school, when I can only talk on behalf of myself. First of all, let`s please not forget this other girl whom is lonely too. And I`m sure others are too – just because you don`t say you`re lonely, doesn`t mean you`re not. Then I was told I can`t be talking when I haven`t tried to tell anyone. Are you kidding me? I`ve told some teachers, and the students know what`s up with me and how I feel about my days at Nannestad High-school. Can people please stop playing stupid? It`s not like the different teachers don`t know. Just recently I told one of them straight out that “I`m not having a good time at school”, and he didn`t do a single thing about it.

That`s so wrong to do of the school. Don`t come around and blame me for something I`ve done. That`s nevertheless not what bothers me the most. What still makes me frustrated, is how they didn`t have much to say then, apart from a “sorry” and “it wasn`t meant to happen.” Maybe it wasn`t, but actions speak louder. I`m so exhausted by these same, old excuses. I`ve heard it all before. If it wasn`t meant to happen, why didn`t these people try harder?

No, they just thought everything was fine because I go around, smiling. Nobody`s a mind-reader and yes, I`m supposed to be open to the teachers about my situation at school, but 1.why would I when they don`t do a single thing and 2. I used to smile during the first year too, even though my situation wasn`t fine. You just can`t go around and assume everything`s fine by a smile – everyone smiles. I`ve become an expert on pretending, even though I have enough too sometimes. You can`t come here and tell me you thought I suddenly was accepted, appreciated and treated nicely by my class on behalf of a smile. They could`ve talked to me, had a conversation with me once a month, or once a year, if that`s too much to ask for? Maybe they`ll never be able to solve my “problems”, but they could at least try to be good human beings by being there for someone who once again started crying in front of them.

Yes, we`ll try to do something new about the situation and I`ll be a part of it. And I really hope it works. I`m just disappointed another school said “sorry, we never wanted that to happen” just like that, without actually trying their best.

“TELLING THEM DOESN`T MATTER, THEY DON`T DO ANYTHING ANYWAYS”

This is something I wrote more than one year ago, that I thought I`d share with you guys today. It`s still relevant and I`d like to believe things have changed since this happened, but I don`t know what to believe. Anyways, it`s not hard to help someone in need. Be kind to one another. A 13-year-old boy should is never supposed to want to kill himself – he`s meant to cherish life. Bear that in mind. 


Earlier today I read about a guy named Odin. He`s dead. He decided to commit suicide this march. Why? He was bullied and nobody at school did anything. The story is long. The details are many. He was a good boy with a good heart. He cared about people. He changed schools twice, but nothing changed. In 2012 they moved out from Oslo because the family couldn`t take it anymore. At the new school, much wasn`t any better. His clothes was set on fire, people threatened him. They`d kill him with a knife or a gun. His lunch box was destroyed, he was picked on every single day. His mom sent so many messages and emails to the teachers and principle, but nobody took it seriously enough. One day Odin came home. He was 13 years old. As he got home, his mom asked him if he had a good day at school. “Yeah”. He wanted to have a shower, and went upstairs. After some time his mom called him downstairs. No reply. It was weird. She went upstairs. The bathroom was locked. She broke the door and saw the son lying on the floor. She tried to wake him up, but he was already dead. Some time later it was his funeral. People were gathered. Nobody could accept the fact that a thirteen year old boy commited suicide. It was hard to understand that he was gone. His little sister wrote something to him. “I don`t like that you`re dead, Odin. Why did you kill yourself?”

Unfortunately, there are many stories like these. Stories where young people don`t get the help they need and deserve. The schools didn`t really want to comment the case later on, but claimed they had taken it seriously. Why didn`t anything change then? They saw what happened, but Odin wasn`t hear. They heard about the bullying, but not him. He was abandoned. They say no one has the right to blame anyone for what happened. The story of Odin, the bullies and they who weren`t able to do anything isn`t about blaming someone for him being dead. It`s about what happened and didn`t happened when he was here. I agree and don`t agree. Why can`t we blame the bullies? They were the ones who made him feel that way? They made his life miserable. Not only his, but the family`s too. The bullies were the ones who made things worse for Odin. Bullying is about making someone feel lonely. He felt lonely because of these people. Sure, blaming someone will never change what happened, but we have the right to blame the right people here. The school, parents and other adults have a responsibility. They`re supposed to make the children and youth feel safe. If we don`t, we betray them. If there`s only one student who`s getting bullied at a school, it won`t really be shown in the statistics, but that doesn`t help him or her.

Your school-life can be destroyed. Your whole life is ruined by bullying. The schools knows that, the whole world knows that. We read stories like these every single day, and yet this keeps happening. We have learned nothing from the past. The society investigate bullying and what a person can do about it and how one should defeat it. On the paper every Norwegian student has the right to have an anti-bullying school, and it`s a duty for the school to give us that. Odin never got that, and so didn`t I. He wasn`t heard, he wasn`t seen. They saw at him, but not him. He wasn`t protected. It`s sad to read about his story and death. He told people what happened to him, and nothing happened. Nothing. As a child you`re asked to tell the teacher if someone is being mean to you, and when you do you`re not taken seriously. Every school says they do, but when it comes to actions they proove themselves wrong.

Odin is gone. It must have been hard for the mother to find her own soon bloody dead. No one saw it coming. The thirteen year old boy was so hurt and couldn`t handle life anymore. A thirteen year old boy isn`t supposed to do that. No one is. So many people have said “How could this happen in a country like Norway?” Him killing himself has nothing to do with Norway. I understand what they mean, but it has happened so many times here in Norway. It can happen anywhere. Norway may seem to have good schools with good teachers, but if this is the situation everywhere then that`s not the case. I`m not trying to make this about me, but while reading about Odin and crying my mind was telling myself how lucky I am. I know how it is to feel that way. You tell people around you so many times, and they don`t seem to care. You feel helpless. I feel sorry because Odin chose to kill himself, but it`s important to see this from his point of view too. People made him feel that way. He moved away to start a new life, which he never got. It`s hard to accept the fact, and like me I wish he had been stronger for some time more. I just hope people learn from this, but the very next day I`m sure I`ll hear about another suicide. Why are we doing this? People are killing themselves, and we claim we are sorry about it. The school does, the friends do. I don`t believe they`re sorry, because if they really cared they would have done way more to end this. It`s better to throw a student out of the school than to have a student killing himself because of the student you never threw out.

Rest in peace, Odin. I hope you`re in a better place. Like I`ve always wanted to and want to even more when such things happen, I`ll praise his life and the millions of people who`ve felt and feel the same way. I know how it is to be bullied, I`ve been in the same situation. So many people feel sorry and want this to stop, but I also want to be one of those few to change what`s going on around me every single day. I want to show that someone may not do anything, but I will. I always will.

MY “UNGE ANKEL”

DSC_0044 (2)Saturday 30th January 2016. Already. I can`t believe that one year has passed away. One year ago at this very day my “Unge Ankel”, like I used to call him, died. I thought I`d never be able to make it without him before he died.. Exactly that is strange. How you think you`ll never be able to live without one person and months pass away and boom. One year already. I miss you every day and I`m so sorry, Unge Ankel, for everything that happened and is happening, but I hope you know I`ve tried and will try my best.

I will leave this place today as a place where whoever can share their stories, their pain and their love for someone they`ve lost. Whether it`s a family member, boyfriend, a friend – I`d love to know I`m not alone. Share a funny or sad memory, what you remember him or her.. It`s up to you. The more, the better. Many people out there hide their pain away and never really talk about death and loss, which makes me really sad. Be kind to one another and talk about the sad emotions too. Let go of some pain. It`s important to remember that moving on, doesn`t mean you forget that person and the memories, it just means you`re ready to accept what happened and start living your life without that person being there physically. Stay strong.

YOU KNOW THE BEST PEOPLE? THEY DIE TOO SOON

Alan Rickman. Does the name remind you of someone? I must say I didn`t know Professor`s Snape real name, however silly that sounds. I`m sure I`ve heard the name now and then, but I love calling him Snape. Cause that`s the person he reminds me of.

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When I was little I didn`t like him, but he wasn`t like Malfoy or his father. He did care about Harry Potter, but had a special way of showing it. I guess that`s one of the things he taught me. He taught me not to judge someone based on first impressions, because let`s face it. Snape was lurking behind and popped up out of nowhere. But he wanted the best for everyone. I think one scene that broke me the most, is where he cries about Lily`s death. He loved her so much, and I just need to watch that scene over and over and over again. Snape was a rare fictional character that I have found so much inspiration from.

But Rickman died yesterday. 69 and cancer, just like David Bowie. I find that crazy. How did that happen? Was he that old? And cancer? I know how it feels like to loose someone due to cancer so it made me feel awful. My prayers and thoughts go out to the family, as well. Was Alan really that old? The Harry Potter movies aren`t that old, or are they? The world is beyond my reach and everything`s moving so fast. Rest in peace, Alan. You left a whole world raising their wands for you. It`s a shame that the best people die, that the legends die too soon. You were an amazing actor, but more important – an amazing human being. Thank you for being a part of this crazy girl`s life, thanks for teaching me how to become a better human being. I`ll miss you. Goodnight for now, Professor. I`ll see you again. Always.