“What is it?”, she says.
I`m sitting at the couch. The black couch. It`s not my first time here, yet it feels like it`s the first time. Everything has changed.
I`m looking down at hands. That`s the easiest thing to do. I didn`t know my nails look so weird. I tell myself to paint them red when I get home.
“I`m asking you something – what is it?”
There`s a lot I want to say, but I don`t want to. I guess the saddest thing is that sometimes it easier to say nothing. Not everyone knows how to fix something that`s broken anyways, so what`s the point.
“How am I supposed to know when you`re not telling me anything?”
As if you`re supposed to know anything, I think to myself. I don`t say anything. Of course I don`t. I trusted you once, I`m not trusting you again. I shared my secrets with you. Nobody knew them, but you weren`t nobody so I shared them with you. With fear and hope dancing with each other, I shared them. And oh, dear. I regret it too much.
“Don`t you trust me?”
“Would you trust someone who`ve broken your trust once?
I can tell my words hit her. Hard. She doesn`t know what to say. That`s what I wanted.
“I`ll tell you absolutely everything, I`ll share my secrets with you all over again only if you are able to break a plate and put it back together to exactly what it was. I don`t care how you do it, as long as it goes back to the way it was before. ”
She`s staring at her nails. Now it`s her time to study her nails. They look far better than mine, by the way.
“Do you get it now?”
I`m going to AMSTERDAM!! Yep, you heard right. After so many years, I`m finally going. AH, I`m SO HAPPY!!! For so long I had to act like nothing. I`ve been waiting for so long, I`ve been quiet for so long, I`ve been shouting for so long, but most of all I`ve been dreaming. All along I`ve known my dreams don`t mean that much to some people around me. But now? Now I`m freaking going to Amsterdam and I`m going to the Anne Frank House.
I`m SO EXCITED! Talk about time, really. After all this year, I`m off to The Netherlands. In 6th grade we were supposed to write a little about every country the school`s students represented. I wrote about the Netherlands. We had a paper for each country, and on it we had some few lines to write about the country, we draw and coloured the map, we marked its location on a little map and draw something that the country is known for. The paper has been with me ever since. Right now it`s on the wall. God knows why. Maybe it was the sign of my dreams.
For as long as I can remember I`ve looked up to Anne Frank, I`ve been inspired by her and I`ve ordered books about her from God-knows-where. So it`s really about time. This is a big thing for me and I`m enchanted. Imagine being where she once used to be.
And let`s not forget that dreams do come true. I`ve been waiting for so long and sometimes it seemed hopeless, but very soon I`ll be on the plane, on my way to Amsterdam and nobody can stop me. Because you know what they say? Great things take time and great things happen at the right time.
PS: Great news to start this month with! I mean, you-know-who has birthday in June, so… 😉
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, pity those who live without love.”
I`ve been watching four of the Harry Potter movies this Easter, and ever since I heard Dumbledore say that to Harry, it`s been stuck in my head. Why? I find it so damn true and I can`t help, bu think of Severus Snape.
He`s one of the few characters in Harry Potter, that amuse me so much. Yesterday I read a post on Tumblr, written by someone who believed no one should long for a love like his. According to this person, Snape`s love for Lily (Harry`s mother), was unhealthy and “creepy”. Can I just say this person doesn`t seem to quite understand the complex love? Snape is a mysterious character in the movies – it`s hard to understand him, especially in the first three or four movies. At least it was for me. You get to know him way more in the last movies – and that was the case for Harry Potter too. All along it may have seemed like Snape was a selfish man – he only cared about himself and had no mercy towards Harry Potter and his friends. I can understand why Severus can be analyzed as a creepy and bad character, but I believe that he did what he did, pretty much because he loved Harry`s mum. He might have had a strange way of showing his love, but everyone has different ways of showing love. We also need to keep in mind that Severus never really let anyone, apart from Dumbledore, know about his affection and love for Lily. He never really spoke about it and maybe because he tried to “hide away” these feelings, he acted the way he did. I don`t believe everything he did was right, but knowing that he, deep down has positive feelings too, makes what he did somehow more bearable.
Sometimes you hurt people you love. Not because you don`t love them, but because you really do love them. The person who`s hurt might not understand that – at least not in the beginning. That doesn`t mean the other person`s actions necessarily are justified, but everything`s not as it seems and usually, there`s more to a situation than a person can see. Sometimes you do what you believe is the best for the people you love. That was the case for Snape. He hurted Harry Potter and his friends many times and Harry did misunderstand Snape several times, but in the end he understood why he did what he did and why he killed Dumbledore. It was because of his past. Because of his love for Lily. Because when Dumbledore asked him “after all this time?”, Snape said “always“. There`s a reason Harry named his son Albus Severus Potter.
And at first one might pity Snape, because he acts like a creepy and cunning man, but the more one moves towards the end, the more one realises he`s actually one of the lucky ones. Everything is not always as it seems and there`s more to people than eyes can see. Not all “mean” people (in this case Slytherins) don`t know love.
Today`s Valentines Day or, if you`re like me – just another Tuesday.
I understand that today`s a little more special. It`s supposed to be all about love, but so many places I`ve read things like “like this if you`re single too on Valentines Day” and “today sucks because I`m single”. WHEN did Valentines Day become a day for only those of us who are in a relationship? I mean, you don`t have to be in a relationship to celebrate love.
I wish especially women stopped believing that they need a man next to them in order to feel good. It`s great to have a person who`s always there for you, who makes you smile and happy and who sends you cute messages every morning. But, what matters the most is that YOU love YOURSELF. Someone might love you, but you`ll never be 100 % happy until you`re happy with yourself, until you accept your flaws and mistakes and love yourself. Boys and girls might come and go, but you`ll always have yourself at the end of the day. Who cares if you`re not in a relationship today? Things will happen at the right time and until then, we should treat ourselves right. We should love ourselves. Celebrating love is awesome and frankly, we should do that every day. But, considering that it`s Valentines Day today – if you don`t have anyone to celebrate it with, then celebrate it with yourself.
So today? Today I`m thinking about all the things I`ve done that I`m proud of, I`m thinking of the journey I`ve had so far and how I`m so proud of who I`ve become. I`m thinking about how I would`nt have been where I am today if I hadn`t loved myself when I needed love the most. Today I`m loving myself.
Why, you might ask.
Well, it`s simple. One day I might not have anyone by my side, but the one thing I know for sure is that I`ll always have myself at the end of the day.
My birthday was great. My brother made me a carrot cake and we ordered some pizza, which we enjoyed while watching the first Harry Potter movie. I must say I love Harry Potter, and it was amazing to re-create memories from our childhood.
But, today was great too. Perhaps even better? I spent several hours with Thea and Sara. We went to this park, where we talked, had some great food, they gave me two books (they`re A-M-A-Z-I-NG!!) and this card that I`ll keep with me forever. Really, it was so sweet and I was close to crying when I read it. Sentimental me, you know. I`m going to keep that card with me till the day I die. And even after that too. We also played “Cards Against Humanity”, which was very fun. Ah, it was a very good day. Thank you so much, sweeties. Also, I love daylight, but isn`t there something charming with the cities at night? We walked around in the park in the darkness and it was just beautiful. I need to do more of that.
Thanks to everyone whom made my birthday great. My family (especially my brother), Sara, Thea, everyone else – thank you so much. Thanks for making the first two days of 19 great. Oh, God. I`m 19. When did that happen?