THE LAST TIME

Remember last year when we celebrated my cousins` birthday, grandma?

You were in the nursing home, so we had a short celebration there. My grandfather, my aunt, my uncle, I, you and of course the birthday kids. We sat around the bed and S & S cut the cake. You smiled. You tasted the cake a little, the rest of us ate some cake and talked about things I don`t really remember. But I do remember you. How can I ever forget.

I don`t know if you knew it was going to be the last birthday you got to be a part of. I don`t know if you could feel it, either inside your heart or through the atmosphere. I`m not sure if I knew it, deep inside, but it didn`t come to my mind. You lived enough to see them turn nine years old, you lived enough to see me grow up and become a young lady. I`m happy you got to celebrate their last birthday, but also sad about all the ones you`ve missed, because you`re not here with us anymore. We celebrated their tenth birthday last week and it was fun, but you weren`t there. For the very first time you weren`t there. I can`t get over how fast life changes, how you`re not here today and how you`re never going to give me a hug. This is crazy and I can feel it too much. I never celebrated my 19th birthday with you, but I`m happy on behalf of my cousins who got to celebrate one last birthday with you.

I know you loved your grandchildren a whole lot and we all miss your love, we miss your hugs and you might worry about them, but I can assure you I`m always going to be there for S & S and take care of them.

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TYPICAL ME

So, let`s go through yesterday, which turned out to be a loooong day. At least it felt like that. I got up seven o clock, got ready and took the train eight o clock. Of course I forgot to bring with me lunch, but I realised there was going to be a free lunch at the university, for students studying social anthropology. So I went to school, joined the lunch which was great and then went to Østmarka (for those of who you don`t know, that`s the secondary school I went to. I just call it “Østmarka”, haha). They`re collecting money for a school trip they`re going on next year. My class went to back in 2012 and it was an amazing trip! We were asked if we wanted to help collecting by giving an amount in exchange for a magazine, so I went there to grab a copy and give them the money. Of course I`m going to support such a great trip, we went to three countries (Poland, Czech Republic and Germany) and learned so much. It was more of a history trip, but we spent hours inside a bus and visited three big European cities so of course it was cultural and social too. Ah, great memories. 🙂 On my way to the metro station I also met someone who also used to be my teacher there. She`s such a sweet lady and she`s always so kind to me. More of that, please.

Afterwards I went to Majorstua to pick up a charger my mum had bought online from someone. I was going to meet him at the station, but suddenly I had to find out where he lived and meet him there. I spent half an hour on that, went to a shop to buy something my mum needs for her job and then finally went to the station to catch the train. I also managed to jump into someone I know, this time it was a student who studies with me. She was on her way to her father, and it was nice to catch up with her.

I was happy about finally getting home, but… I had forgot my keys at home. No one was home, so I went to the neighbour and stayed there for a while. Haha, that is so me. But I can`t complain, yesterday was quite a social and great day. 💓

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Today I studied at Sørumsand and tomorrow I`m going to the city to meet my study group. Can`t wait to finish the last exam on Tuesday and finally enjoy my holidays. Can`t wait to sleep as much as I want to without thinking I have to study, haha.

AM I TOO NAIVE?

 

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On Monday I talked to one of the professors at my faculty. I told him I`ve felt lonely some few times, and he asked me if I was available to meet him. I`m thankful that he took the time to meet me.

The best advise he could give me, was to engage myself in an organisation or union, which I`ve tried, but I`m going to give it a try again. I appreciate the advice, but for me it`s still sad to see how there`s some sort of group mentality and how some people seem to be alone most of the time. Am I supposed to just accept that? Even if the answer is yes, I have to say I can`t. I think it`d be a good thing if people actually bothered reaching out to people they don`t know. And what about the people that are alone? Maybe that`s what they want, but I also know that some people don`t want that. People could`ve said that about me too in high-school, but if I hadn`t let them know how I actually felt, they wouldn`t have known how lonely I was.

I can`t make myself believe that students, who`re doing a Bachelor or even Master, want to be alone. Even if you don`t want to make new friends, I think it`s nice to just interact with other people. Talk to them about the studies and discuss the syllabus. I want to attend a seminar where people aren`t always sitting alone, but sometimes I feel like I`m too naive.

Too naive for hoping for a society where we can actually live together. I feel naive for wanting people to come together and be one, I feel naive for thinking caring is so easy. I want people to feel great, I want them to feel good about themselves and their lives and it makes me sad to see people alone way too often, because it`s hard to believe people really want to be that much alone. I want more people to care, but I also know forcing won`t do anything good, so what are we supposed to do? I feel like I`m expecting too much. Are we supposed to let people go on with whatever they`re doing? Is everything we`re doing good enough? Do we care enough? Should we let the people who`re often sitting alone be, because that might be what they want?

I don`t have all the answers, but I`m not sure if I want to live in a world in which expecting kindness from other people, is too much to ask for.

ARE WE MADE TO HIDE WHAT WE FEEL INSIDE?

I`ve some few times felt this loneliness inside me at the university. I can`t figure out if it`s the feeling similar to the one I used to have in high-school. All I know is that it`s not a good feeling. I don`t exactly feel at home at the university.

Is there anyone who even does?

It`s too impersonal and I don`t exactly feel seen or heard there. Is it possible to not feel that way at the university? Don`t ask me.

For some time I`ve been considering letting someone who have some sort of influence and who also belong to my faculty, know. I`ve asked someone who I`m supposed to talk to, but I haven`t really gotten any clear answers. I`m been wondering whether I should post something in a Facebook group we have, maybe that`s the way.

But I caught myself thinking “maybe someone will think “oh, there she goes on again”.

Because I spoke up in Primary School too. In Secondary too. People like me were snitches. Let`s not forget the time I was frustrated and exhausted and sent the mail I had sent to the principle, forward to one of the biggest newspapers in Norway.  Not everyone enjoyed the attention I and the topic received. My fault, much was my own fault. I was pretty much the one who had been taking the wrong steps, I should`ve tried harder. Of course. Someone commented on my blog: “Hey i have the answer to your problems start on a new school…”. There`s no way that`s going to happen, I thought to myself and kept talking about loneliness and bullying.

That`s who I should be and want to be. Me thinking someone might think “oh, there she is again” was only a thought, but it was a very unnecessary thought. Seriously – WHO cares? Why should I let people stop me from telling how I feel? Are we made to hide how we feel inside?

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I don`t believe so. Don`t let other people stop you from talking about how you feel inside. We feel what we feel, we can`t erase our feelings or act like they`re not there. Running away from your feelings is a race you`ll never win. Instead, talk about how you feel.  I think some people sometimes forget to have a look at themselves.

Because after all, we`re all humans and we share many of the same emotions every single day.

ONLY HUMAN

All the looks. All the whispers. All the rumors you have to deal with. The words that taste so painful. Being pushed here and there. You`re walking through the hall, for once you`ve built yourself up a little and at least you`re smiling a little. But the bullies are already on their way towards, maybe they`ve already planned what they`re going to do with you. You want to run away, but it`s too late. They grab your arm, tell you how ugly you are and laugh together. While silent tears run down your cheeks.

Bullying has become a part of many people`s lives. My heart aches for everyone out there that has to go through something out there. You could be 7 or you could be 17, you could be the weakest or strongest person on earth and it`d still hurt to be told pretty much every day you`re ugly. It`d hurt to be treated like you`re not really worth anything.

I didn`t get treated the same way as the girl in the music video does, but I could relate so much to it. I relate to the frustration and pain. For me it was more about the things I was told, the way people treated me, how I some few times couldn`t find my things, how there were made songs to make fun of me and my name. Something so innocent like my name. I know it sounds silly and it is silly, but when a little kid is made fun of because of her name it does hurt. I`m only a human, I have feelings too and I do believe that some of the people who bullied me didn`t know what they were doing. If they did, they wouldn`t have said all the things they said to me.

NO ONE deserves to be bullied. My heart aches, thinking of what it made this body, which once used to be so little, feel. All the sleepless nights, all the tears, all the times everything around me was silent and all I could hear was me asking myself “why?” I hope one day, I can help especially young people who`re being bullied. I hope I can listen to them, give them a big hug and tell them that it`s okay to feel hurt, but it`s going to be okay. We`re only humans, anyways.

Such a powerful video, with a strong message.

BE MORE SOCIAL

Yesterday I went to a book launch, and met a friend of mine –  she used to be the principle at Østmarka (the secondary school I went to). You might be thinking she`s very old, but that`s not the case, haha – she`s in her thities. After the book launch, we talked for a little while and updated each other on what`s been going on. The book launch was my first one ever, it was quite a nice experience. This morning I went to another two book events about Muslims in Norway and negative social control and shame culture, which were quite interesting. I ended up talking to some nice people on both of the events. On my way to the second event I started talking to an old lady. We exchanged thoughts and opinions on the book and the debate the book is about. One of the writers of “Shameless” (which I told you about in the little book haul) was going to talk about the book. Very interesting, she knows how to explain the different terms and express her thoughts and opinions.

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I skipped a lecture so I could join this event, which I`m happy I did. I got to be more social, which is so important! I like meeting new people and doing different things- staying inside the school for several hours without actually being social isn`t really my thing. IMG_1680IMG_1682

This is the university I go to – the University of Oslo. The building on the last picture is the one I usually have lectures and seminars in. Aaaaand as you perhaps can tell, the winter`s arrived Norway. The first snow showed up on Thursday and it looks like it`s here to stay. The days keep getting shorter and it`s okay, actually. Each season has its charm. After the darkness comes the light anyways. Or something like that.

WHEN YOU`VE GOT GOOD FRIENDS

Thursday evening I spent some hours with Sara. I visited her and her family, who are so kind people. It`s so nice to feel welcome, doesn`t matter where it is – at work, at school, or at your friend`s house. It was was a good day, Sara and Thea are such good-hearted people and for someone who finds it hard to trust people properly, it feels great to say that I know they`ll never stop caring and they`ll always be there for me. 

IMG_1589 (1)IMG_1590Today has went by so fast. I`ve been quite productive and the plan is to be more productive. Hope you`re all having a great weekend. 🙂