THOUGHTS

I passed the test  and my vacation started the 1st of June. It`s unbelieveable. That unbelieveable, that now I`m asking myself what I am to do. What do I do now? I have two and a half months to do whatever I want to. I can`t waste it just like that, I need to do something meaningful. I can`t get up late every day, I can`t spend the days watching TV or my favourite serials. I need to be productive. So? I`m going to do some studying. I`m going to do 4 courses next semester, so I need to hang in there. I`m also going to read a lot of books – I borrowed and ordered several books from the library during my exams, that I wanted to read but told myself to wait for the exams to finish. I`ve already started reading and I can`t wait to find out what I am to learn this summer.

I needed a short break. My mind has been everywhere and I`m such a confusing person. My mind will be in Tokyo one hour and the next in Paris. You get it. For instance – I was so sure I wanted to do history as a minor, but two days ago I had no idea and looked up all the choices I had. Don`t you think I got even more confused? I still don`t exactly know, so I ended up applying for only the courses I`m going to do for Anthropology.

What else have been going on? I`ve been losing faith in humanity. Again and again. Some days ago London happened to be victim of terror. How can someone do that? I see the hate in the comment sections, I see how we discuss everything and nothing up and down and yet we have no answers. So many of the discussions we had many years ago, are discussions we`re still having and it`s as if we keep going and going, but we don`t know where we`re going. One evening I was exhausted due to that, that I told myself I don`t like humans. In one way that`s true, because you never know what they might end up doing one day.

I`ve also been thinking about my grandmother and how she died. Or how she ended up leaving me, leaving us. She didn`t give us a warning. The doctors did say we should start preparing ourselves for the end, but I didn`t want to believe them because miracles do happen. I prayed for a miracle to happen, but it never happened. All of a sudden she was dead. Maybe it wasn`t something that happened suddenly. All I know is that I really miss her and I wish she was here.

God, I really don`t know what`s the point with this post, but I wanted to let it out. I know way too many bloggers who have a positive blog all the way and act like life`s perfect. I know some people prefer to read blogs that give them motivation and inspiration, but what`s inspirational to me, are people who show all aspects of life. Who don`t mind being personal and saying “hey, I`m having a very bad day”. I guess that`s what this is. A post in which I`m trying to say that my mind`s been a mess and there have been moments where I didn`t know what to do, but that`s life. I know I`ll be okay soon enough, if not now.

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WE ACT LIKE WE KNOW PEOPLE

It`s the 13th of May and the grand final of Eurovision Song Contest is over. Oh, wait, it`s past midnight. It`s the 14th of May. I`m sitting on the couch, reading the news on how Portugal has won. I`m disappointed and therefore, I`m trying to seek for answers. Why did Portugal win? Why did people vote for Salvador Sobral and his song? And now as the grand final is over, what am I to do now? I feel like the excitement I had build up, all of a sudden is over and I don`t know what to do.

Suddenly my eyes notice a title. “Defied heartproblems and won Eurovision Song Contest”. “What?” was my first thought. I clicked on the article and read it. Salvador has, according to the article, heartproblems. Due to that, the doctors refused to let Sobral participate in all the rehearsals. Therefore, his sister Luísa Sobral, whom wrote the song, replaced him for some time in Kyev. Salvador needs a heart and according to his doctor, he won`t be able to make it to 2018 if he doesn`t get one soon.

I`m shocked and devastated. All of a sudden I`m happy for Salvador. I only feel a little disappointed, but I`m proud and happy. Proud because Salvador is such a humble human being who`s not afraid to speak his mind. But I`m also devastated. I start crying. He`ll die if he doesn`t get a new heart.

I put away the laptop. Don`t want to brush my teeth. All I can do is think. Think about sad and crazy it is that there are so many things we don`t notice in life, when it comes to other people. There Salvador was singing on a beautiful stage and I had no idea he was ill. I pray for him – I hope he gets a heart very soon. I don`t know when, but somehow I fall asleep.

The next morning I read the news and they`ve changed the title of the article. It turns out it was all a rumour – Sobral had a hernia surgery some time ago and is still recovering from that. I thank God, I`m so happy.

But I can`t help but think of how weird life is. Some of us think we know everything about a person by meeting them only once. We think we know all that there is to know and judge each other. We act like we really do know each other. Even though Salvador`s health condition isn`t as serious as I first thought it was, I can`t help but think how we don`t show as much love and peace as we talk about. We believe we understand more than we actually, while we forget everyone`s been through something they don`t talk about. Everyone has their stories, their secrets and their baggage. Always keep in mind there are so many things we go around holding, but don`t say a word about. We don`t always know how a person`s feeling deep down. Always remember that nobody`s life is perfect.

 

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THIS WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL MESS

Yesterday I felt too tired to share what I had planned to write about. Therefore I posted a part of a song that I listen to every day, that describes how I feel and that is so close to my heart. Manchester, teror, people.. you get it. It`s that time of the month where I`m tired of most human beings, I don`t feel like I can actually trust anyone, apart from some few that are close to my heart and I want to travel to a huge city all alone and stay there for two weeks.

Because you know this world is a mad world when a little girl can`t go to a concert and have fun, without being killed.

It`s crazy that we live in a world where there are people with sick values around you, and you don`t even know. I wonder why the terrorist did what he did – what convinced him that killing other people was the right thing to do? What made him kill innocent, little kids? And how does he feel now? How does it feel to know you have taken 22 lives and hurted millions? God, these questions make me angry, but I also feel sad on behalf of their families, their friends and everyone who knew them. I feel sad on behalf of us as a society, as a community and I feel sad on behalf of this world. This isn`t the first time and this won`t be the last time.

We keep on moving and we keep on living. And then something like this will occur again. Most of us will stop up for some time and think of love and humanity. Many will wonder where the love is. We`ll talk about how it`s important to show respect and love to people around us, we`ll talk about thankfulness and peace, but where is the love? Where is the humanity we talk so much about, at times like these? We ask ourselves how someone can become a terrorist, and at the same time most of us don`t even bother to care enough about the beggar or the girl at school who`re being bullied.

When I think of this and so much more, I can`t help but feel sad and helpless. I want to see more of the love we talk about, I want people to care more and I want us to act like humans towards everyone – no matter who they are, where they come from or what they`ve got in their baggage. But maybe this all is too much to expect, because after all we live in a beautiful mess. We live in a beautiful mess called “world”. We`ll be nice to each other and we`ll kill each other and that`s unfortunately just how it is.

Good night. 

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A SUNNY FRIDAY

Yesterday was a great day. Spending time with people you just know care about you, is amazing. On my way home yesterday, I was sitting with this girl in the tube, who`re also studying social anthropology with me, and we talked about life, studies and of course the weather. Maybe I`m the kind of person who prefers to talk to people on my own – I get to know the other person better if it`s just me and her/him. I love hanging out with more people at the same time, but I`ve realised that it`s easier to actually get to know a person, if you`re  two. It`s a conversation between the both of you and you don`t have to “deal with anyone else”. Anyone else who feel the same way? Anyways, it was a great Friday – the sun was shining, I could finally wear my sandals (that I missed during the winter, haha) and summer`s here.

I`m going to spend the weekend revising for my next week, which is in political anthropology. It`s quite interesting and I`m not as nervous for this one as I am for the one I`m having at the end of this month. Ah, wish me good Luck. Have a great weekend, everyone!Bilderesultat for have a great weekend tumblr

 

A LITTLE (OR HUGE) RANT

Okay, what about a little rant, guys?

Why are so many of us act so ignorant towards other people`s feelings? Why do we act like we know everything about what`s going on in our neighbour`s life? Why can`t we be more understanding towards each other?

When my uncle died, this girl said to me “people die every day” and she wanted me to realise that it`s no big deal. There and then I was so furious at her, but now I just think WHAT EVEN? How can you say something like that to someone? Would you say that to the wife who just lost her husband in war? Or kid? Would you say that to your sister? Brother? Grandfather? Friend? Then why to someone you don`t really know? I wish people were nicer and more understanding towards other – think before you speak. Ask yourself “would I want someone else to say this to me?”

Another thing that`s bothering me, is how some people act like they know what`s going on in someone else`s life and everything about a person. Some people simply assume that my life`s perfect, or that I always must be doing good. We watch girls and boys on Instagram and automatically believe the perfectness we see. I thought we knew better by now. I`m a blogger and even though I tell you about my life, you only know max. 10 % of my life. Perhaps not even that much. You don`t know what that lonely girl at school goes through at home. I don`t know what kind of lives the students in my class live at home – I can only imagine, but I don`t actually know. I don`t know whether someone`s going through a heartbreak, bullying or have lost someone dear to them. I don`t know whether my neighbour is suffering from depression or not and even my lecturers might be going through something very difficult, even though they put on a smile during each lecture. And not to be harsh or anything, but you might not even always know what your friends or family members are going through or how life`s treating them. If there`s something I`ve learned in life, it`s that everybody acts the way they do for a reason and most human beings have become experts on keeping secrets from their lives, inside themselves. Therefore I try my best not to act like I know everything about people around me, because I`ve been taken by surprise way too many times and everything`s not as it seems. I try my best not to judge someone, because there`s so much about me people don`t know and I`m very sure that`s everybody else`s story too. It`s about time more people understand this. Let`s try to be kind to each other, let`s try to look at each other`s hearts instead of being so ignorant and blunt towards each other. God, it`s crazy and sad and funny how we`ve been living together on this Earth for hundreds of years and yet too many of us haven`t exactly learned how to live peacefully with each other and have failed to understand what human beings can be like.

I remember back in 9th grade, when we were asked by JK (my teacher in secondary school),  to write our  very own auto-biography. I know that after reading many of the auto-biographies, JK was taken by surprise. Why? There were so many experiences, thoughts, emotions, events and moments several of us had kept deep inside us. Those of us, who wrote more than we were supposed to and shared a lot, became like “open books”. There were so much he didn`t know, but now learned.

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There`s so much more to a person than the eyes can see. We`ve all got our baggage, we`ve all seen and heard things that have shaped our backs and made us who we are. I don`t think you can ever know someone completely. That`s exciting, but scary.

 

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP IN SCHOOL

About ten months ago I graduated high-school. I must say time`s been passing away way too fast and I can`t believe I`ve spent almost a year at the university.

Now and then I look back and reflect upon my time in high-school. It was weird, it was confusing, it was unfair, it was both good and bad and no single word can describe my time there. When I joined Nannestad high-school, I wanted a new beginning. I had wanted one when I started at Østmarka Secondary school three years ago, but about two weeks later I realised I was going to be bullied there too. Therefore I hoped for another new beginning. I find that so great about me – no matter what, I never loose faith and hope in people and the world.

I was new, like several of the other students, but most already knew someone in their class or in the other parallel classes. It was kind of good to not know someone – unlike last time I joined a new school. At Østmarka, there was this boy who had been going to the same primary school as me and used to bully me. He continued bullying me in secondary too, so in one way it was great to not know anyone and have a completely new and fresh start.

During most of my time in high-school, I felt lonely. Way too many misunderstand what I mean when I talk about how I encountered my time there. It wasn`t like my classmates were evil people and I never hated them, nor will I ever do that. In fact, I remember this girl who invited me to her birthday party. Unfortunately, I couldn`t go, but I appreciated that. The problem is that I was treated unfairly. It doesn`t help the situation much when you one day, choose to say hey and the rest of the week choose to ignore the same person. It doesn`t help when you tell me you`re there for me, but then, along with your so called best friends, delete me on Facebook. And it didn`t help me when some of the girls were so nice to me before I went to Pakistan in December 2014, and then didn`t treat me the same ever since I came back one month later. The situation wasn`t only confusing – it was frustrating. If I had done something, people could of have talked to me about it. We could of have had a conversation face to face. The situation also became a little sadder and yet funny, when 2-3 decided to comment on my blog anonymously, instead of talking to me at school. Not to forget – I believe most of the teachers cared and many of them were sweet people, but that doesn`t change the fact that they never actually made any effort to help me. Some few asked me about my situation and wanted to know what I thought was best for them to do. I gave them my suggestions, but none of them were really followed. One of the teachers talked to the principle once and joined one of the meetings with him. I`ve written about it here. I felt like I wasn`t taken seriously and it didn`t matter anyways because I was leaving the school soon at that time. The principle and the assistent didn`t keep their words, which was disappointing. I had been through that before and it was sad to realise that history repeated itself.

I noticed that people “followed” me more than I thought. People at school read my blog and I realised that people talked more about me, than with me. Thank God I met Sara and Thea, whom are my best friends now and I`m thankful for having them in my life. Even though I still felt lonely, they made my time in high-school easier. Sadly I only spent time with them during psychology, which was mostly 4 hours a week.

I spent three years in the same class, and I never became one of them, like the others did. If there was someone who felt like me, I never got to know and I`m sorry about that. I was never treated like all the other boys and girls, nor was I treated fairly. I wasn`t the one people chose to work with. During the first year I wanted to become people`s friend, but later on I just wanted people to be nice to me and see me for who I am. Even that was too much to ask for to some people. During the trip to Germany some girls annoyed me while I was trying to sleep – it might have been a little thing, but it was very annoying. During then I didn`t feel like “one of them”. I was always nice to people, and I didn`t even get half as much back, which was very sad, but not surprising after some time as I had gotten used to it.

As time passed by, I felt more and more like “the black sheep”. The different one. The girl who mostly was alone. I was not popular, but I didn`t mind speaking my mind. Not to forget, I had a blog which I noticed some people read “secretly”. I wasn`t treated like all the other girls – instead, everything was my fault. It was my fault I was sitting alone, because many tried to “help me”. I believe that those who claim that, should ask themselves how many times they sat down with me and tried to have a conversation with me. They should ask themselves how many times they sat next to me on the bus, how many times they picked me as their partner for projects and how many times they sat with me in classroom.

I became so tired of my situation and was frustrated. It had happened to me before and I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that it wasn`t bullying. And I actually was thankful for that – as if I deserved to be bullied or whatsoever. All I wanted was for people to be nice and treat me like a classmate, but when that wasn`t really possible, I told myself “do you know what, Anne? You`re going to survive this and be so proud of yourself when you`ve graduated.” And hey, look at where I am today? I felt so much like a black sheep back then and especially that Thursday when I cried in the bathroom after gym, it felt like the pain was never going to come to an end. But it did.

I was shamed too long for being different. For not being like all the other girls. I was treated differently and I was never properly told why, but I had some idea because of things that were said here and there. I had been writing negatively about the school and acted like none of the students cared about me. That wasn`t really the case – I just wanted people to treat me like a classmate and simply be nicer to me, instead of ignoring me and making me feel like air and nothing.

I wish more had understood what I was going through and understood the seriousness in my situation. It was so simple – it was all about being kind to someone who ended up feeling lonely. It hurted to know that most of the students didn`t bother spending time with me, even though I`m an easy person to talk to. I`ll listen and I`ll try to help you as much as I can. Yet, I was treated like air, like nothing. Nobody deserve to be treated that way. In the end, all I wanted was for people to be nice to me and treat me like a classmate. After spending three years in the same class, I didn`t become “one of them”. Again I`ll point out the fact that none of the students were evil people – I believe that deep down, everyone`s good. But, that doesn`t change how I was treated in high-school. That doesn`t change the fact that what I went through was sad and unfair to me. Write angry comments to me on this blog, think whatever you want to about me, but I wasn`t treated the way I deserve and nobody can change that.

All I can hope for now, is that the same people have learned or will learn at one point in life, so they can teach other people and even more importantly, their kids way better. large (65)