THE WALL I MADE ON MY OWN

Imagine how there`s so much in our heads and hearts that we don`t tell each other. Some of us are drowning in our own feelings and I am one of them. I`m so glad that nobody else can see what`s going on inside me, but at the same time that`s what hurts the most. That no one can see the real me. The burdens on my shoulder that seem to get heavier sometimes. The eyes that are full of tears that can`t be seen. The things I`ve been through that are in my head. Let`s please not forget all the feelings I feel too much. I can start crying by someone giving me a hug, I can start crying by seeing someone else cry. I feel the pain others feel and I feel the pain I feel. All alone. I wonder who feels my pain. I wonder who even can see my pain. I can`t really blame people for not seeing it, because I`ve become an expert at hiding the things I don`t want anyone else to see, but yet I`m hoping that someone might break down the wall I made on my own. No, hold on, that`s not completely true, but it is a little true. It`s crazy how much there is that a person can hide. All these little stories that changed my life and are burned at the back of my mind. Nobody really knows and every day I go around, acting like barely anything. Maybe it`s become so easy because I know I`m not alone at doing that. Maybe it`s become a little easier to carry the baggage because it doesn`t feel that heavy anymore. I`m used to my mind, even though it sometimes tends to annoy me too much. Or maybe it`s become easier because I have words. Paper. A blog. This blog wouldn`t mean that much to me anymore if I wasn`t allowed to let the feelings out. My feelings. I need to write down deep, long texts. I already do that for myself, but I hope that sharing the mess I have can help others. Maybe a piece of my puzzle can help a stranger out there. I already hope it does. I`d like to believe it does. What if it doesn`t? It`s okay, because the words are mine and most of all I write them down to comfort myself. Me writing them down every day is proof I`m alive, it`s proof I`ll be okay. It just hurts too much and I… I just don`t know. Why can`t we all chill more?

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I don`t know.

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IN MY HEAD

Lately I`ve understood how much I`ve done for people, who haven`t done that much for me. It`s sad to realise that you give so much, but hardly get anything back.

Honestly it hurts to think about it, and be treated that way. I know I`m not a mean person and I try to make everyone I meet and know at least smile a little. Therefore it hurts so much when I try my best to make others happy and the same people seem to treat me like air. On top of it I`m a human who feels too much – I feel so much so strongly and it doesn`t exactly make such things easier.

Phew. Is it weird that I`m looking forward to the Netherlands, where I don`t really know anyone. 

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MEMORIES STAY, BUT YOU MOVE ON

I`ve been thinking quite a lot about the bullying I went through, about how many of the students at school treated me. It`s not like I`m mad at them or that I hate them. Perhaps I feel a little sorry for them because they so much of their time on putting me down – time they`ll never get back. In ninth grade I wrote an article in the newspaper, in which I said that I`m going to show the bullies the real me. I thought that would be my kind of revenge.

Now that I`m sitting here in my room and realising that I`m in university and that I`m years ahead of what happened, it`s weird. It`s weird that it`s over and that all I have now are memories. Memories full of tears, mean words and looks, but also full of courage and strength. Because the thing is that it did hurt then and it does hurt now, but I didn`t let the pain or whatever happened to me, define me.  And God, it hurted me in so many ways that I sometimes thought it was never going to end. A future seemed so far-fetched, that I didn`t really think that much about what life was going to be like after school. Or maybe I did think a lot about it, I just can`t remember it right now. I`m sitting here now thinking “it`s actually really over”.

The bullying ended, we all went our separate ways and went on with our lives. I`m doing okay, even though little Iqra didn`t always believe that. I took my revenge. I didn`t change, I`m still that stubborn girl who`s not afraid to raise her voice. To be honest that`s all that matters. I didn`t let what happened get the best of me. That doesn`t mean what happened hasn`t affected me in any ways or that it`s never going to hurt, but I`ve learned to accept that it`s a part of my past and it really did happen to me.

Now as I`ve moved on, I think of all of you who are being bullied now and are feeling many of the things I felt as a little girl. It`s awful, I know. It`s frustrating, I know. And it hurts too much, I know that too. I know it might seem easy for me to sit here and say “it`s going to be okay” and perhaps you`ve already heard that a million times, but it really does get better. Suddenly you`re going to be in university or you`re going to get married and you`re going to realise that you did well. Not well, you did very well.

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NOT WHAT THEY WOULD CALL #INSPO

If you`re here to read a blog which is only full of happiness positivity, photos that are all #inspo or if you`ve come here just to find another always-happy-face on the earth, you`ve come to the wrong place.

I could tell you today`s been amazing, I could show you today`s outfit or click inspirational photos like many others bloggers and act like my life is #goals. But I won`t and I don`t feel like it. It`s not that my life isn`t good. In fact, it`s quite good. But it`s only in the past months that I`ve realised how much your own mind actually can affect you and how much it matters that your own mind is with you. If your mind isn`t in a good place, you yourself aren`t either.

I want my blog to be a place where people can seek inspiration, positivity and a more realistic version of what life can be like. I don`t get inspired by blogs that are all “super-duper-happy” – I get inspired by bloggers that dare to be who they are and say “hey, you know what? Life isn`t perfect, I`m not perfect and that`s how it is”. I get inspired by people who have their own opinions and thoughts and don`t follow others just for the sake of it.

So, I`ll be honest: I`m tired of how I`ve done so much for people who didn`t give me the same back. I`ve given so much of myself and when someone hurted me, I felt like an idiot for believing. For believing that this person was going to at least stay. Maybe because I wanted to believe it was as easy for others as it was for me. Now I`m here asking myself what I got by being so kind to others and doing things for them. I did things I shouldn`t have done and still I did it all – what did I get? Tell me, apart from pain and unfaithfullness, what did I get? I think about this a lot and I don`t have any answers. I tell myself that at least I`m stronger now, I`m kind and I`m going to continue to be kind to people, but tell me: what did I get? I might be stronger now, but it`s also harder for me to trust people. It`s harder for me to trust people`s words and intentions, because I`ve met too many who haven`t meant what they said. It`s sad how things people in the past have done to me, are going to affect people I`m going to meet in the future. The pain`s going to affect how I meet them. It`s become hard for me to trust and share, because there`s always a chance people can use that the wrong way or just leave. I know what it`s like to try your best and give what you can give to other people who after some time aren`t there anymore. I try to tell myself “they must have their reasons”, but how does it help me and my sadness.

I`ve been thinking a lot about this, because I`ve realised how much this actually has been going on. The words “you haven`t done anything for me” hit me. To be honest, they really hit me. What a world we live in. You do things you never really thought you`d do just to make others happy and somehow it ends up being “nothing”. Ah, all I can say is that it hurts, it makes you questions your actions and your heart and you feel like the loser of a losing game. People can say whatever they want to, but when it happens more than once you really wonder how it`s possible. How it`s possible for someone to not see that you do so much for them and sometimes you end up doing less, because that`s how you can protect yourself. At least a little. I get why they do that, because who wants to get hurt?

I thought I didn`t, but here I am. Hurt.

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SCHOOLS NEED TO DO BETTER

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I`m the kind of person that gets annoyed by how so many systems in the society don`t want to admit that sometimes, things don`t go according to the plans or that sometimes the systems aren`t doing a good enough job.

I`ve personally had a lot of experiences when it comes to schools and the educational system. I can`t talk for everyone, but I do know and I`ve seen for myself how rejecting and neclegting a school`s behaviour can be towards situations that can be quite sensitive and hard for students. Thousands of students are bullied every day and way too many times the schools barely do anything about it, things take time or they just say “we`ve initiated measures, and we`re keeping an eye on the case.” But what if these measures aren`t helping? What if meeting once a semester isn`t enough, or what if talking to a school nurse isn`t helping the student? When I was in high-school and I felt lonely, the principle thought we should have this room in which students can come to, hang out and just chill. After 2-3 times I figured out it wasn`t helping me or making things that better for me, so I stopped going to that room on Tuesdays. Measures who aren`t working, can`t really help anyone.

Schools need to realise that having a school nurse, group conversations with the ones involved or other measures are things that can help, but if they`re not doing enough for the ones who need help, they need to find other ways and they need to always be there for their students. That`s their duty. Parents send their kids to school several days a week thinking and hoping the school will teach them and take care of them. The schools can say they`re doing what they can, but if that really was the case: how come we`ve lost so many students because they were bullied or going through something difficult in school? And where are the consequences for the students who do the unjustice?

I`ve been there and when I was in school, I was frustrated because the system let me down. So many of the teachers have let me and thousands of other school kids down. I wanted to be heard, to be seen. And when I didn`t, I stood up for myself. I was told I was ruining the school`s reputation. I was told the school`s doing enough. That`s so easy for people to say, but I wonder if they would`ve said the same if it was their kid that came home every day, crying because the teachers didn`t see what was happening and because nobody wanted to sit with them, once again.

THINGS I HAVEN`T WRITTEN ON THE BLOG

I have quite a lot of weird and very realistic dreams. Most of them are about people from the past… I really wonder why.

♥ When I and my brother were younger, my mum used to buy a packet with kinder eggs every weekend. There used to be three in them, so we sometimes had arguments about who deserved the third egg.

♥ I was obsessed with “Winx Club” back in the old days, so every weekend I watched the show and I bought their magazine every month. I was sooo excited to see what thing they sold along with the magazine.

♥ I used to have bangs when I was little. I looked SO CUTE, but “somehow” it disappeared when I was 5-6 years old. I`m sure my parents cut it off.. I want to try out bangs one day, just to see what it`d look like on me!

♥ I`ve started writing a book, but God knows when it`s going to be out there.

♥ In ninth grade JK gave us an assignment for our English class. We were supposed to write an autobiography and it had to be at least 12000 words long. Very exciting and great assignment, but there was a lot to do!

♥ Ever since I started waatching “Baaghi”, I`ve been listening to the OST. I love it, it`s so emotional.

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♥ I`ve been to Germany four times the past three years.

♥ I learned how to braid when I turned 18. Very late, I know, but now I`m quite good at it!

♥ The past year I`ve been listening more to Lana Del Rey`s music. My favourite is “born to die.”

♥ I don`t use make-up at all.

♥ I played handball for about six months when I was in secondary school. It was never something for me and I never looked forward to the trainings. I prefer playing ball games more “freely”.

♥ When I was in Amsterdam last summer, I told myself I have to live in that country for at least some weeks one day. Now I`m going to study there for a semester. Life, guys. Never give up, because you never know where you`ll end up.

I GET WHY SOME DON`T BOTHER ANYMORE

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No matter what you do in the world, it seems like it`s never good enough.

You could give everything you have to someone, you could give your world to someone and it still wouldn`t be enough. It takes one thing, one damn thing for everything to turn upside down. It takes one thing for people to turn against you, say the worst things about you and suddenly not appreciate anymore. You do so much and barely get anything in return. Our whole life we`re told to be nice. We`re told to share, to give of ourselves and to respect others. But we`re not taught that well that not everyone is nice, not everything we do will be appreciated or matters to everyone we care about. We`re not taught how to handle situations full of rejection and pain. We`re not taught what we should do if someone we love says “you haven`t done anything for me”, while the truth is something completely different. We`re not taught what to do when people we consider our owns show us their backs and walk away. Some don`t bother anymore. Some people don`t see the point in being “kind towards everyone” anymore, because it doesn`t matter. It`s like a description which you try to follow 110 % and when things don`t work out well even though you do everything according to that description, you get frustrated. You get more frustrated the second time and when it`s still not working out the 100th time, you`ve had enough. It`s the same for some people out there who do their best to be kind and share love, but when it turns out it`s not enough, they feel empty. When they realise people are going to say bad things about them even though they`re kind, they don`t see the point anymore. I mean, why not be that kind since people are going to talk anyways? It`s not like people will appreciate it anyways. It`s not like you will get the same back anyways, so why give so much? Opening up hurts, so they stop talking about themselves. Getting too close to people hurts, so they make sure they keep some distance. They stop trusting. They stop being who they are, because the pain and frustration feels unbearable and it doesn`t give them as much as they once thought it would.

I understand better why some people don`t bother anymore. It`s their way of protecting their hearts and souls.