AM I TOO NAIVE?

 

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On Monday I talked to one of the professors at my faculty. I told him I`ve felt lonely some few times, and he asked me if I was available to meet him. I`m thankful that he took the time to meet me.

The best advise he could give me, was to engage myself in an organisation or union, which I`ve tried, but I`m going to give it a try again. I appreciate the advice, but for me it`s still sad to see how there`s some sort of group mentality and how some people seem to be alone most of the time. Am I supposed to just accept that? Even if the answer is yes, I have to say I can`t. I think it`d be a good thing if people actually bothered reaching out to people they don`t know. And what about the people that are alone? Maybe that`s what they want, but I also know that some people don`t want that. People could`ve said that about me too in high-school, but if I hadn`t let them know how I actually felt, they wouldn`t have known how lonely I was.

I can`t make myself believe that students, who`re doing a Bachelor or even Master, want to be alone. Even if you don`t want to make new friends, I think it`s nice to just interact with other people. Talk to them about the studies and discuss the syllabus. I want to attend a seminar where people aren`t always sitting alone, but sometimes I feel like I`m too naive.

Too naive for hoping for a society where we can actually live together. I feel naive for wanting people to come together and be one, I feel naive for thinking caring is so easy. I want people to feel great, I want them to feel good about themselves and their lives and it makes me sad to see people alone way too often, because it`s hard to believe people really want to be that much alone. I want more people to care, but I also know forcing won`t do anything good, so what are we supposed to do? I feel like I`m expecting too much. Are we supposed to let people go on with whatever they`re doing? Is everything we`re doing good enough? Do we care enough? Should we let the people who`re often sitting alone be, because that might be what they want?

I don`t have all the answers, but I`m not sure if I want to live in a world in which expecting kindness from other people, is too much to ask for.

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ON THIS DAY THREE YEARS AGO

This weekend I found an old newspaper, from 20th november 2014 to be exact. Three years ago since the letter I sent to the principle in high-school was published in the newspaper. I was very proud and I still am very proud (I would`ve expressed certain things in a different way, though). I remember me feeling a little too famous that week, haha. I loved the feedback. I believe it`s very important to stand up for yourself and speak up. Loneliness is something many people encounter, so why don`t we talk more about it?

Two years ago I posted the letter I sent to the newspaper, today I`m going to post the version that was actually published. 3 years ago, already. Time keeps running. I can`t believe it`s this long ago. There and then it might have felt like it was going to hurt forever, but it didn`t and the pain never intended to either.


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Students at my school sit alone in the classroom day after day. We`re like air for the others.

I don`t know where to begin. I`ve been thinking about this for more than month.

You`re probably wondering who I am and what I`m talking about. Let me explain some of it. I`m talking about the evilness at school. You might not call it that, but rather a social problem or what do I know. But in the very end, it`s evilness. Don`t you think it is when several students are sitting alone and nobody seems to care about them? Damn, just writing about this is frustrating and sad. Every day I see several students sitting alone. They`re just sitting there and are looking at nothing – as if they`re waiting for someone.

I always sit alone and the same does at least one girl I have two or three subjects with. I walk into the classroom, and everyone`s sitting with someone. No one cares about me sitting there. I could`ve just as well be gone or not exist. Almost all of the girls at school are caught up with make-up and looks. Passing them hurts, because you never really get a smile. What hurts is meeting a youth which is self-centered and doesn`t really care about other people.

It hurts to sit alone at school for 6-8 hours almost every single day. When almost everyone`s sitting with somebody, and the ones who`re left alone is just plain air. If anyone actually cares, they can just easily walk up to me and drop by for a little chat? One year ago I was new at this school, and to add to it I was from Oslo. Which means that I didn`t know a name, while the other students at least knew one name.

Is this what you as a principle stands for? I hope you never meant to make it like this, but at the same time I guess it`s okay to you because you haven`t done anything about it. You might not be able to do anything about this, because it`s not really possible to make someone who doesn`t want to be nice, nice. But you can at least realize what`s going on around you. The teachers need to be more aware, and the students need to understand that they can`t keep this up anymore.

Why have we have teachers who don`t care about that someone`s sitting alone time after time in the classroom and is lonely? Why do we have a principle who`s not seeing this and doing something about this? I don`t get it.

 

WHEN LIFE BRINGS CHANGES

I`ve been trying to think of something to write about for some days, something “worth” sharing, but I`ve been lost. It`s as if I`ve opened up a door little, just for me to slam it and run away. Certain things in my life have changed, that I haven`t really talked properly about with anyone, nor have I mentioned it here.

So much has been going on and I haven`t shared any of it. Mostly because the changes in my life involve other people, but also because I didn`t know what to say and I still don`t know what to say. Let me just say we had to move and things have changed. It goes without saying when you have to move. We still live in the same place (Fetsund), but in a house which is about a twenty minutes long walk away from the house we used to live in before. I`m glad we still live here and that we don`t need to get used to a new place again.

At first I thought it wouldn`t be hard, it`s been a long process so I`ve had quite some time to “take it in”. But we moved almost two weeks ago, and while unpacking my things it hit me that we actually had moved and that so many things had changed. The circumstances and the changes make me feel weird and sad. It`s crazy and odd how life changes. I didn`t really think I`d one day be where I am right now. Sometimes when life does that to you, you have to tell yourself to go with it. You don`t always know if it`s happening for the better and the worse, but in order to know you have to give it a chance.

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Hopefully we`ll like this new house and new place. It`s weird and there are still plenty of things to fix, but at least I`m doing okay. Everything that happened made me stronger, I need to keep reminding myself of that.

IT WAS NOT A COINCIDENCE

Today I saw a lady, who I instantly recognised.

I was on my way  to the train station. Since I missed the train, I spent the time in the drugstore and in a bookshop. I always look around me wherever I go, I notice people that walk by me, I take in the circumstances I`m in. At days like these I`m even more glad I have a habit of doing that, because today, I saw this lady.

I only had a couple of minutes, so I asked myself whether I had the time to greet her. I told myself it`s no big deal and started walking behind her. “Excuse me?” No response. “Excuse me?” She didn`t turn around. I tap her on her shoulder and she stopped, turned around and she probably recognised me.

“Do you recognise me?” I said, with a grin on my face. It sort of looked like she hadn`t forgotten me.

She hadn`t forgotten me.

I asked how she was doing and gave her a hug.

“I`m 20 now.” I felt like an oldie, while saying that. Damn, I`m actually 20. Thankful and scared at the same time. She was a little shocked. Time sure flies. I asked her how she was doing, gave her another hug and we went out separate ways. I was again on my way to the train station, God knows where she was going and where she actually ended up.

Life`s weird. All of a sudden you meet someone you haven`t met in ages. Sometimes you notice a person you know, sometimes you don`t. Imagine if I hadn`t noticed her today? Maybe today was the last time.

Last time I saw her, was back in 2010. More than seven years ago. I don`t know where she had been and she doesn`t really know where I`ve been, but today we met each other, which was very nice. This lady was there for me, seven years ago. She kept me warm, she listened to me and gave me my own little space at school, when I was young and being bullied. At one point she also gave me this cuttle little black and white sea, which I slept with for some years. When I think of it, I actually had a lot to tell her today, but hopefully we`ll meet again one day soon.

Thank you say much, Inge-Lise. I`m thankful for the love and care you gave me, during my time in primary. You were one of the few people at that time, that listened to little me. I`m very sure us meeting today wasn`t an coincidence. Maybe destiny wanted you to meet me, so it could whisper in your ear “Look, she`s become a young lady and she`s doing good.”

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DON`T LET GO OF YOUR DREAMS

Something I wrote a while ago. 


 

People who know me, know how fascinated I am by Anne Frank and her story. I`ve read several books of her, I know when she wrote in her diary and not, some years ago I planned what places I`m going to go to that Anne herself had been to and after several years, I don`t get bored by her diary. Give me her diary and you won`t hear me say anything for hours.

I found out about her when I was 10-11 years old. I believe it was because of a book my brother borrowed from the library – it`s called “Who was Anne Frank?” I read it, and started looking for her diary. I remember sitting next to my desk in sixth grade, and suddenly my eyes noticed the bookshelf next to the teacher`s desk. There was something about it. My eyes looked through the book`s titles from distance, and that`s when I found it. Her diary. I went to the bookcase, took out the book and borrowed it.

Ever since then I`ve borrowed it and read it a million times. Last time I did so, was in May. I had to borrow to copies – one is from 1995 and the other one is from 2012. I just can`t get enough. I`ve read a lot about her, about her family and her diary. I`ve been that obsessed, that I at one point wanted to write just like her, and started studying her handwriting. God, if you guys only knew. Her story fascinates me so much and she reminds me of myself. Her stubbornness, her willpower and her love for reading and writing. I write a diary, I also love history and want to become a journalist or writer one day. Her story thrills me and inspires me. She was full of hope and despite everything, she kept clinging onto her dreams and wishes.

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Ever since I got to know her, I`ve been wanting to visit Prinsengracht 263. I`ve been wanting to go to Amsterdam and find out where she used to be. However,  I had to wait for several reasons. I had to wait for several years. At times I was so impatient that it was almost unbearable. I became less impatient, when I went to four of the concentration camps in 2012 and for a second time went to Sachsenhausen in 2015. I know that might sound odd, as I went to Auschwitz, which is where Anne and the seven people who hid with her in her Dad`s office were brought by the Nazis from Westerbork. Which is where Anne saw her Dad for the very last time. Let`s say being there made me relax a little more when it came to my dreams. My main goal was to visit Amsterdam and the “Achterhuis”, but on the list you can find the names of the camps too. I`ve always been interested in the second world war, so seeing the reality that surrounded millions of people in the 1930s and 1940s, was important to me.

I`ve had to wait for this dream to come true for so many years. I remember a conversation I had with my friends some time ago. Somehow we ended up talking about my dream of going to Amsterdam. I started crying because I had been waiting for so long and there and then I didn`t have it in me to wait anymore. There`s no doubt some people in my life haven`t always valued my dreams, or considered them important. That has made me sad many times. Visiting Amsterdam and the Anne Frank House isn`t that hard either, as long as you have the money. It wasn`t a dream that I had to “work for”, I had to wait for a long time. Way too long, to be honest, but everything happens at the right time and now I can say that having to wait so long, made it even more mindblowing. It was about time and it was completely worth it.

I know what it`s like to have to wait so long for something to happen. I wasn`t allowed to go alone, so I even told my mum that I could catch a flight in the morning and be back in the evening, just so I could visit Prinsengracht and the Museum. You could say I sort of became desperate. I know what it`s like to wait, wait and wait. Sometimes it feels like it`s not going to happen, at least not anytime soon.  You ask yourself when it`s going to be your turn, your time. It`s hard when the timing is wrong or your life circumstances don`t allow you to fulfill your dream right away or anytime soon, but it`s certainly harder when people you care about don`t believe your dream matters or don`t understand how important your dreams are.

When I finally went last week, I couldn`t believe it. I`m thankful for having the opportunity to finally go to the city and see the hiding place. I`m so grateful, you have no idea (thanks Mum, for the money, haha). Looking through the things we bought makes me so happy and makes me think of the time I spent in that wonderful city and in the Achterhuis.

It`s so important to have dreams in your life that make you burn on the inside. That make you feel like you have something to live for. That make you want to keep going. Have those kind of dreams, which motivate and inspire you. It`s even more important to keep on dreaming and not lose faith. You know what they say? Great things take time. Be patient, because things happen at the right place at the right time. Dream of things that mean something to you – that`ll be enough to keep you going. Chase your dreams. Always.

THOUGHTS

I passed the test  and my vacation started the 1st of June. It`s unbelieveable. That unbelieveable, that now I`m asking myself what I am to do. What do I do now? I have two and a half months to do whatever I want to. I can`t waste it just like that, I need to do something meaningful. I can`t get up late every day, I can`t spend the days watching TV or my favourite serials. I need to be productive. So? I`m going to do some studying. I`m going to do 4 courses next semester, so I need to hang in there. I`m also going to read a lot of books – I borrowed and ordered several books from the library during my exams, that I wanted to read but told myself to wait for the exams to finish. I`ve already started reading and I can`t wait to find out what I am to learn this summer.

I needed a short break. My mind has been everywhere and I`m such a confusing person. My mind will be in Tokyo one hour and the next in Paris. You get it. For instance – I was so sure I wanted to do history as a minor, but two days ago I had no idea and looked up all the choices I had. Don`t you think I got even more confused? I still don`t exactly know, so I ended up applying for only the courses I`m going to do for Anthropology.

What else have been going on? I`ve been losing faith in humanity. Again and again. Some days ago London happened to be victim of terror. How can someone do that? I see the hate in the comment sections, I see how we discuss everything and nothing up and down and yet we have no answers. So many of the discussions we had many years ago, are discussions we`re still having and it`s as if we keep going and going, but we don`t know where we`re going. One evening I was exhausted due to that, that I told myself I don`t like humans. In one way that`s true, because you never know what they might end up doing one day.

I`ve also been thinking about my grandmother and how she died. Or how she ended up leaving me, leaving us. She didn`t give us a warning. The doctors did say we should start preparing ourselves for the end, but I didn`t want to believe them because miracles do happen. I prayed for a miracle to happen, but it never happened. All of a sudden she was dead. Maybe it wasn`t something that happened suddenly. All I know is that I really miss her and I wish she was here.

God, I really don`t know what`s the point with this post, but I wanted to let it out. I know way too many bloggers who have a positive blog all the way and act like life`s perfect. I know some people prefer to read blogs that give them motivation and inspiration, but what`s inspirational to me, are people who show all aspects of life. Who don`t mind being personal and saying “hey, I`m having a very bad day”. I guess that`s what this is. A post in which I`m trying to say that my mind`s been a mess and there have been moments where I didn`t know what to do, but that`s life. I know I`ll be okay soon enough, if not now.

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I HOPE YOU KNOW

Yesterday I didn’t only celebrate Norway’s birthday, but I also celebrated (at least in my own mind) my grandmother`s birthday.

I remember when she proudly told me her birthday is the 17th of May. “Everyone in Norway celebratesmy birthday”, she said and laughed while her whole body shook. We laughed, I laughed too, but I was a little skeptical. ” Is that so because she doesn`t know when her birthday actually is?” I thought for myself. I didn’t say it out loud, but continued to celebrate her birthday. I baked an apple cake, even though she had diabetes and obesity. I wrote a card to her, even though she couldn’t read.

I never thought that I, after such a short time, would have to celebrate 17th May without a grandmother less.

So dear Nana, I hope you’re well and that you miss us, because I miss you. And just so you know: all of Norway celebrated your birthday yesterday.

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