ONE LAST TIME

all I can say now

is that I`m glad I caught that plane on Monday

and not today.

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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL

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I don`t know how to write this post, but I think I`ll just begin somewhere.

One week ago I got some awful news. A girl who went to the same high-school as me, who was in my class, isn`t anymore. It was completely unexpected. We weren`t friends, we actually hadn`t spoken to each other since the graduation day, but I feel so sorry… I thought about her sometimes, but how does saying that change anything? She`s not among us anymore. How weird to realise that I`m never going to see her again, ever. Rest in peace. ❤️

As if this wasn`t enough, my grandfather`s health condition has gotten very serious and I`m just hoping that God helps him. We`ve been worried about him for days now and I feel so helpless since I`m so far away. I also can`t believe this is happening again. I`d really appreciate it if you guys prayed for him, because he needs it.

I`ve been away from the blog for some time, which was something I needed. It`s been too much the past days and I don`t exactly know how I`m supposed to feel right now about everything that`s going on. Not that I need to feel or think a certain way, but there`s so much insecurity right now that I don`t know what to expect. How unpredictable isn`t life, and here we are doing things that perhaps don`t really matter that much.

Take care of each other, guys.

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I FEEL MORE LIKE MYSELF

Happy 17th May to everyone who celebrates Norway`s national day. Every year, and then I really mean every year, there`s a debate about what being “Norwegian” means, what flags are allowed during this day or something else along these lines. Tiring each time people just have to talk about these things , because we don`t seem to find any correct answer – not that there is any correct answer. People these days are also so petulant – you`ve barely said anything by the time they`re offended.

A Norwegian politician sometime ago had a speech, in which she said “immigrants who want to live here, will have to respect Norwegian values and rules.” She`s not the first one who`s said something like that. I agree that you have to follow the law, but could someone tell me what “Norwegian values” are? Many would mention things like “freedom of speech” and “gender equality”, but how are these “Norwegian” values? Who decide that they`re Norwegian? Who own these values? Last time I checked, these values can be found in many other countries around the world, so why the words “Norwegian values”? I don`t really care much about whether a value is “Norwegian” or “German” – if it`s something I can stand for and if it`s something I believe in, it`s a value I can “take in” and accept. This politician also talked about “Norwegianness” in the heart and said that some people are “Norwegians” on the paper, but not in the hearts. Who decide who`s “Norwegian”? How do you become a “Norwegian”? And again; what does being Norwegian mean? And how do others know whether you`re a “Norwegian” in your heart or not?

I was born in Norway and have lived here for more than twenty years. Twenty years and I wouldn`t say I`m Norwegian at heart. Some people would say I`m a “Norwegian-Pakistani”, which is okay, but what I feel and how I feel about myself and my identity is more important to me than what politicans say about identity and it`s more important than the labels and stereotypes that are out there.

I don`t feel like I`m Norwegian at heart.

I don`t really know what being a “Norwegian” means.

I feel more like Iqra at heart and you know what? That`s cool enough for me.

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A MESSY HEAD

I don`t think people realise how the things you go through, can make you strong and also get inside your bones and remind you forever of what you went through.

I`m not a person to stay mad forever, nor do I have the need to forgive others. But I can`t help being affected by what people do to me. I wonder if they`ve realised that the things they`ve said and done to others have affected them. Do they know that actions can hurt and do they know that words can hurt even more? I wonder if they`re okay, if they`ve all moved on, if they ever think of the pain they threw at me and then claimed it was “just a joke”. I wonder if they regret.

It`d be easy for me to sit here, be angry and think “why me?” And maybe I`m angry on the inside, because even though the storm is over, I`m dealing with the pain they threw at me. I remember a while ago I thought the bullying hadn`t really affected me that badly, all it pretty much did was make me stronger. Now I`m thinking that`s entirely not true – the bullying, along with other things, made it harder for me to trust people, rely on them. It`s become difficult for me to not be sceptical to what others are saying. The words “I care about you” mean something else now.

And just now I thought “oh, life`s weird, I`m off to another country, I`m going to stay there for some months and most likely be sceptical to others there too”. But I tell myself the next adventure is going to be different. Yeah, I`m going to another country, but that`s the whole point. No drama, I won`t know anyone and even better: nobody will know who I am.  even though the pain will be inside my suitcases and remind me of my story, it`ll be nice to get away from everything and everyone for a while,

Something inside me is telling me that`s what I need.

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STILL UNBELIEVEABLE

I don`t know, but it`s as if I`ve ended up on a sort of sad road the past few days. I`ve been thinking a lot about Tim Bergling, and the latest news about his sudden death has made me think more about it.

I`m not a person who`s able to think that death isn`t a sad thing. I hope Tim is in a better place right now and that he`s making music somewhere up there without feeling the pressure, but I`m sad about what happened because I wish he was alive right now and felt love and support. I wasn`t a blood fan of Avicii, but I listened to his songs a few years ago. What makes me so sad are the circumstances, everything he must have been feeling considering his documentary which came out last year and the fact that he was 28 years old. He was still young and supposed to live life. He was supposed to be here, among us. I read a comment on Instagram earlier which said something along the lines of “now we have the memories”. That word made me so sad. “Memories”. That`s way too true. People who went to some of his concerts only have photos, videos and the flashbacks in their minds as memories. It must be weird to have been on one of his concerts and now know you`re never ever going to get that possibility now. It must be weird to know that the person who was standing in front of you, rocking the music industry and making you feel so much, now is dead. One week has passed and this is still unbelieveable.

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Sometimes when things like this happen, I “stop”, breathe and do a lot of thinking. Perhaps it drives me crazy, but I`ve been struggling with questions about life, people and death for quite some time now. I`m used to it. It`s nothing really that bad, it`s just my mind. I don`t understand death, I don`t know what it is. It`s weird and sad to think about how we`re born and how we all do things, when we know we`re going to die. Is that why we`re doing so much? Some people want to be rich, get a big house and become famous as if they`re going to stay here forever. Life`s not forever – that`s a scary thought. But people around me make it seem like it`s forever, when they take life and people for granted.

I wish I didn`t have any exams to revise for. I`d rather write down my thoughts about death, than about Malinowski. Ooooor when I think about it – perhaps not. The examinator would probably start wondering what`s up with me.

THE WALL I MADE ON MY OWN

Imagine how there`s so much in our heads and hearts that we don`t tell each other. Some of us are drowning in our own feelings and I am one of them. I`m so glad that nobody else can see what`s going on inside me, but at the same time that`s what hurts the most. That no one can see the real me. The burdens on my shoulder that seem to get heavier sometimes. The eyes that are full of tears that can`t be seen. The things I`ve been through that are in my head. Let`s please not forget all the feelings I feel too much. I can start crying by someone giving me a hug, I can start crying by seeing someone else cry. I feel the pain others feel and I feel the pain I feel. All alone. I wonder who feels my pain. I wonder who even can see my pain. I can`t really blame people for not seeing it, because I`ve become an expert at hiding the things I don`t want anyone else to see, but yet I`m hoping that someone might break down the wall I made on my own. No, hold on, that`s not completely true, but it is a little true. It`s crazy how much there is that a person can hide. All these little stories that changed my life and are burned at the back of my mind. Nobody really knows and every day I go around, acting like barely anything. Maybe it`s become so easy because I know I`m not alone at doing that. Maybe it`s become a little easier to carry the baggage because it doesn`t feel that heavy anymore. I`m used to my mind, even though it sometimes tends to annoy me too much. Or maybe it`s become easier because I have words. Paper. A blog. This blog wouldn`t mean that much to me anymore if I wasn`t allowed to let the feelings out. My feelings. I need to write down deep, long texts. I already do that for myself, but I hope that sharing the mess I have can help others. Maybe a piece of my puzzle can help a stranger out there. I already hope it does. I`d like to believe it does. What if it doesn`t? It`s okay, because the words are mine and most of all I write them down to comfort myself. Me writing them down every day is proof I`m alive, it`s proof I`ll be okay. It just hurts too much and I… I just don`t know. Why can`t we all chill more?

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I don`t know.

IN MY HEAD

Lately I`ve understood how much I`ve done for people, who haven`t done that much for me. It`s sad to realise that you give so much, but hardly get anything back.

Honestly it hurts to think about it, and be treated that way. I know I`m not a mean person and I try to make everyone I meet and know at least smile a little. Therefore it hurts so much when I try my best to make others happy and the same people seem to treat me like air. On top of it I`m a human who feels too much – I feel so much so strongly and it doesn`t exactly make such things easier.

Phew. Is it weird that I`m looking forward to the Netherlands, where I don`t really know anyone. 

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