THOUGHTS

I passed the test  and my vacation started the 1st of June. It`s unbelieveable. That unbelieveable, that now I`m asking myself what I am to do. What do I do now? I have two and a half months to do whatever I want to. I can`t waste it just like that, I need to do something meaningful. I can`t get up late every day, I can`t spend the days watching TV or my favourite serials. I need to be productive. So? I`m going to do some studying. I`m going to do 4 courses next semester, so I need to hang in there. I`m also going to read a lot of books – I borrowed and ordered several books from the library during my exams, that I wanted to read but told myself to wait for the exams to finish. I`ve already started reading and I can`t wait to find out what I am to learn this summer.

I needed a short break. My mind has been everywhere and I`m such a confusing person. My mind will be in Tokyo one hour and the next in Paris. You get it. For instance – I was so sure I wanted to do history as a minor, but two days ago I had no idea and looked up all the choices I had. Don`t you think I got even more confused? I still don`t exactly know, so I ended up applying for only the courses I`m going to do for Anthropology.

What else have been going on? I`ve been losing faith in humanity. Again and again. Some days ago London happened to be victim of terror. How can someone do that? I see the hate in the comment sections, I see how we discuss everything and nothing up and down and yet we have no answers. So many of the discussions we had many years ago, are discussions we`re still having and it`s as if we keep going and going, but we don`t know where we`re going. One evening I was exhausted due to that, that I told myself I don`t like humans. In one way that`s true, because you never know what they might end up doing one day.

I`ve also been thinking about my grandmother and how she died. Or how she ended up leaving me, leaving us. She didn`t give us a warning. The doctors did say we should start preparing ourselves for the end, but I didn`t want to believe them because miracles do happen. I prayed for a miracle to happen, but it never happened. All of a sudden she was dead. Maybe it wasn`t something that happened suddenly. All I know is that I really miss her and I wish she was here.

God, I really don`t know what`s the point with this post, but I wanted to let it out. I know way too many bloggers who have a positive blog all the way and act like life`s perfect. I know some people prefer to read blogs that give them motivation and inspiration, but what`s inspirational to me, are people who show all aspects of life. Who don`t mind being personal and saying “hey, I`m having a very bad day”. I guess that`s what this is. A post in which I`m trying to say that my mind`s been a mess and there have been moments where I didn`t know what to do, but that`s life. I know I`ll be okay soon enough, if not now.

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I HOPE YOU KNOW

Yesterday I didn’t only celebrate Norway’s birthday, but I also celebrated (at least in my own mind) my grandmother`s birthday.

I remember when she proudly told me her birthday is the 17th of May. “Everyone in Norway celebratesmy birthday”, she said and laughed while her whole body shook. We laughed, I laughed too, but I was a little skeptical. ” Is that so because she doesn`t know when her birthday actually is?” I thought for myself. I didn’t say it out loud, but continued to celebrate her birthday. I baked an apple cake, even though she had diabetes and obesity. I wrote a card to her, even though she couldn’t read.

I never thought that I, after such a short time, would have to celebrate 17th May without a grandmother less.

So dear Nana, I hope you’re well and that you miss us, because I miss you. And just so you know: all of Norway celebrated your birthday yesterday.

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WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP IN SCHOOL

About ten months ago I graduated high-school. I must say time`s been passing away way too fast and I can`t believe I`ve spent almost a year at the university.

Now and then I look back and reflect upon my time in high-school. It was weird, it was confusing, it was unfair, it was both good and bad and no single word can describe my time there. When I joined Nannestad high-school, I wanted a new beginning. I had wanted one when I started at Østmarka Secondary school three years ago, but about two weeks later I realised I was going to be bullied there too. Therefore I hoped for another new beginning. I find that so great about me – no matter what, I never loose faith and hope in people and the world.

I was new, like several of the other students, but most already knew someone in their class or in the other parallel classes. It was kind of good to not know someone – unlike last time I joined a new school. At Østmarka, there was this boy who had been going to the same primary school as me and used to bully me. He continued bullying me in secondary too, so in one way it was great to not know anyone and have a completely new and fresh start.

During most of my time in high-school, I felt lonely. Way too many misunderstand what I mean when I talk about how I encountered my time there. It wasn`t like my classmates were evil people and I never hated them, nor will I ever do that. In fact, I remember this girl who invited me to her birthday party. Unfortunately, I couldn`t go, but I appreciated that. The problem is that I was treated unfairly. It doesn`t help the situation much when you one day, choose to say hey and the rest of the week choose to ignore the same person. It doesn`t help when you tell me you`re there for me, but then, along with your so called best friends, delete me on Facebook. And it didn`t help me when some of the girls were so nice to me before I went to Pakistan in December 2014, and then didn`t treat me the same ever since I came back one month later. The situation wasn`t only confusing – it was frustrating. If I had done something, people could of have talked to me about it. We could of have had a conversation face to face. The situation also became a little sadder and yet funny, when 2-3 decided to comment on my blog anonymously, instead of talking to me at school. Not to forget – I believe most of the teachers cared and many of them were sweet people, but that doesn`t change the fact that they never actually made any effort to help me. Some few asked me about my situation and wanted to know what I thought was best for them to do. I gave them my suggestions, but none of them were really followed. One of the teachers talked to the principle once and joined one of the meetings with him. I`ve written about it here. I felt like I wasn`t taken seriously and it didn`t matter anyways because I was leaving the school soon at that time. The principle and the assistent didn`t keep their words, which was disappointing. I had been through that before and it was sad to realise that history repeated itself.

I noticed that people “followed” me more than I thought. People at school read my blog and I realised that people talked more about me, than with me. Thank God I met Sara and Thea, whom are my best friends now and I`m thankful for having them in my life. Even though I still felt lonely, they made my time in high-school easier. Sadly I only spent time with them during psychology, which was mostly 4 hours a week.

I spent three years in the same class, and I never became one of them, like the others did. If there was someone who felt like me, I never got to know and I`m sorry about that. I was never treated like all the other boys and girls, nor was I treated fairly. I wasn`t the one people chose to work with. During the first year I wanted to become people`s friend, but later on I just wanted people to be nice to me and see me for who I am. Even that was too much to ask for to some people. During the trip to Germany some girls annoyed me while I was trying to sleep – it might have been a little thing, but it was very annoying. During then I didn`t feel like “one of them”. I was always nice to people, and I didn`t even get half as much back, which was very sad, but not surprising after some time as I had gotten used to it.

As time passed by, I felt more and more like “the black sheep”. The different one. The girl who mostly was alone. I was not popular, but I didn`t mind speaking my mind. Not to forget, I had a blog which I noticed some people read “secretly”. I wasn`t treated like all the other girls – instead, everything was my fault. It was my fault I was sitting alone, because many tried to “help me”. I believe that those who claim that, should ask themselves how many times they sat down with me and tried to have a conversation with me. They should ask themselves how many times they sat next to me on the bus, how many times they picked me as their partner for projects and how many times they sat with me in classroom.

I became so tired of my situation and was frustrated. It had happened to me before and I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that it wasn`t bullying. And I actually was thankful for that – as if I deserved to be bullied or whatsoever. All I wanted was for people to be nice and treat me like a classmate, but when that wasn`t really possible, I told myself “do you know what, Anne? You`re going to survive this and be so proud of yourself when you`ve graduated.” And hey, look at where I am today? I felt so much like a black sheep back then and especially that Thursday when I cried in the bathroom after gym, it felt like the pain was never going to come to an end. But it did.

I was shamed too long for being different. For not being like all the other girls. I was treated differently and I was never properly told why, but I had some idea because of things that were said here and there. I had been writing negatively about the school and acted like none of the students cared about me. That wasn`t really the case – I just wanted people to treat me like a classmate and simply be nicer to me, instead of ignoring me and making me feel like air and nothing.

I wish more had understood what I was going through and understood the seriousness in my situation. It was so simple – it was all about being kind to someone who ended up feeling lonely. It hurted to know that most of the students didn`t bother spending time with me, even though I`m an easy person to talk to. I`ll listen and I`ll try to help you as much as I can. Yet, I was treated like air, like nothing. Nobody deserve to be treated that way. In the end, all I wanted was for people to be nice to me and treat me like a classmate. After spending three years in the same class, I didn`t become “one of them”. Again I`ll point out the fact that none of the students were evil people – I believe that deep down, everyone`s good. But, that doesn`t change how I was treated in high-school. That doesn`t change the fact that what I went through was sad and unfair to me. Write angry comments to me on this blog, think whatever you want to about me, but I wasn`t treated the way I deserve and nobody can change that.

All I can hope for now, is that the same people have learned or will learn at one point in life, so they can teach other people and even more importantly, their kids way better. large (65)