It`s always sort of weird when a person you`ve known about for years, whether it`s a celebrity or a family member, just isn`t there anymore. Avicci isn`t here anymore, we`re all not going to be here one day and… oh, God. What a way to begin a blog post, but I can`t be the only one feeling this way. I`ve been reading through some of the things people have written online, and someone wrote “it`s part of life”. Someone else replied “it`s not a part of life, it`s the end of life.” I just felt that was way too true, but Avicci`s music and words are going to live on in people`s hearts.
A picture from last week. Now there`s barely any snow left. My camera is acting weird and not working properly, so right now I can`t really take any pictures with it… Hopefully it`ll get fixed very soon.
One thing that I`m enjoying about spring, is that I wear my sunglasses. They`re sunglasses and “normal glasses”, so they suit my eye vision. Very practical. I like “hiding” behind my glasses, I feel cool, haha. Plans for today is to finish half of an assignment I have in history and find out what apartment in Maastricht I like and book it. Everything is slowly falling into place.
Just a while ago the news said “Avicci is dead”. First I thought it might be a joke, but it`s true. I`m sad, but most of all I`m shocked. What just happened? Wasn`t he alive some hours ago? We don`t know why he died, but I just can`t help it… Suddenly it all hits you. He was 28, and is already gone. He was too young to die. You never really know when you`ll be gone. Life can be so scary sometimes. Four years ago I was listening to his music and today he`s gone. People are leaving long messages on his social media as if he`s reading everything from up there. I feel like that`s what happened right after a person dies – we remember them, we think of them and we share condolences and love on their social media. It`s as if people come running to you when you`re dead, it`s as if people understand how much you`re actually worthy once you`re not there.
Ah, I just don`t get this.
Have you ever thought about how hard it is to be a human being sometimes? I`m sure you have. The last time I thought about it, was yesterday. I started thinking I should move to an island and stay there for a little while, because I don`t understand human beings. I don`t get them. I think I know them, but they keep surprising me so I`ve ended up thinking I don`t know them. Maybe ironic, considering I`m studying social anthropology. Trying to understand humans, but not really able to. It took me a small action to change the direction, though.
On my way to the lecture yesterday, I found a studentcard. It belonged to someone, and I told myself I was going to find the contact details online and contact the girl. At home later I found her number, and sent her a message. “Oh, thank you so much, I`m so relieved now. I looked for it everywhere”. I smiled, gave her a short reply. “You`re welcome, see you tomorrow”. So today I met her. She was already standing there and I could see it in her eyes. The gratefulness. She was so happy and said “thank you” many times. I said “you`re welcome, it`s the least I could do.” I was standing in front of her, and for some seconds it seemed like she wanted to hug me. I wasn`t sure if I should hug her, but I did want to hug her. Suddenly she said “I bought something for you, as a thank you”. She gestured towards the bag in her hand, took out a packet of chocolate and gave it to me. “Oh, how kind, but you didn`t have to buy it!” I hadn`t seen it coming, but seeing the kindness made me happy. I had cared by picking up the card, taking care of it and giving it back to her and she had cared by not only saying a “thank you”, but by giving me something. I said “thank you”, we said bye to each other and went our seperate ways.
Only a small act of kindness and I thought that maybe I`m where I should be.
I don`t exactly know what to blog about today, so I`m just going to write down what`s in my mind right now, hopefully without a filter.
I`m going to stay in Maastricht for longer than I thought I would. Or, that`s a little wrong because I sort of knew it already, but I guess I just didn`t realise it. So, I`m going to spend the beginning of next year in another country. I don`t think I need to say I`m excited and happy about that, but I`m still going to say it: it feels awesome. I need it. Yeah, I`ll have to spend more money than I thought, but the feeling of more freedom and the feeling of being where nobody knows you is going to be worth it.
The “beauty standards” that we have set, are sort of… annoying me. I just feel like I sort of get that people have their perspectives when it comes to what`s pretty or not, but I can`t completely wrap my head around how some people judge other people based on how they look. And what`s “normal” and “abnormal”? Do we ever think about how these beauty standards are something we have made? I guess it`s not completely realistic of me to tell people to not care about the way people look, but it`d be nice if we focused way more on people`s personalities and how they treat others.
Something else that`s annoying me and that`s probably going to annoy me for a long time, is how fast certain people can turn against you. Out of pretty much nowhere or because of little things. It`s sad and a little too crazy. I mean… I just don`t get it, perhaps because I know that`s not the kind of person I am and I never want to be like that. Don`t people think about the things they do when they go to bed at night? Don`t they feel bad about how they make others feel?
Phew, Friday tomorrow and everything. Bet I`m not the only one who`s happy about that. I`m off to bed soon, it`s become way too hard to get up at the morning. Take care, guys. ❤️
Imagine how there`s so much in our heads and hearts that we don`t tell each other. Some of us are drowning in our own feelings and I am one of them. I`m so glad that nobody else can see what`s going on inside me, but at the same time that`s what hurts the most. That no one can see the real me. The burdens on my shoulder that seem to get heavier sometimes. The eyes that are full of tears that can`t be seen. The things I`ve been through that are in my head. Let`s please not forget all the feelings I feel too much. I can start crying by someone giving me a hug, I can start crying by seeing someone else cry. I feel the pain others feel and I feel the pain I feel. All alone. I wonder who feels my pain. I wonder who even can see my pain. I can`t really blame people for not seeing it, because I`ve become an expert at hiding the things I don`t want anyone else to see, but yet I`m hoping that someone might break down the wall I made on my own. No, hold on, that`s not completely true, but it is a little true. It`s crazy how much there is that a person can hide. All these little stories that changed my life and are burned at the back of my mind. Nobody really knows and every day I go around, acting like barely anything. Maybe it`s become so easy because I know I`m not alone at doing that. Maybe it`s become a little easier to carry the baggage because it doesn`t feel that heavy anymore. I`m used to my mind, even though it sometimes tends to annoy me too much. Or maybe it`s become easier because I have words. Paper. A blog. This blog wouldn`t mean that much to me anymore if I wasn`t allowed to let the feelings out. My feelings. I need to write down deep, long texts. I already do that for myself, but I hope that sharing the mess I have can help others. Maybe a piece of my puzzle can help a stranger out there. I already hope it does. I`d like to believe it does. What if it doesn`t? It`s okay, because the words are mine and most of all I write them down to comfort myself. Me writing them down every day is proof I`m alive, it`s proof I`ll be okay. It just hurts too much and I… I just don`t know. Why can`t we all chill more?
I don`t know.
Lately I`ve understood how much I`ve done for people, who haven`t done that much for me. It`s sad to realise that you give so much, but hardly get anything back.
Honestly it hurts to think about it, and be treated that way. I know I`m not a mean person and I try to make everyone I meet and know at least smile a little. Therefore it hurts so much when I try my best to make others happy and the same people seem to treat me like air. On top of it I`m a human who feels too much – I feel so much so strongly and it doesn`t exactly make such things easier.
Phew. Is it weird that I`m looking forward to the Netherlands, where I don`t really know anyone.
Sometimes it`s easier to write down what`s going on as a list, so here we go:
❤️ Our neighbour asked us to come over for dinner yesterday, which was very nice. We stayed there for more than five hours and talked about physics (my brother and the neighbours did, haha), food and life. I`m so glad we got such kind neighbours!
❤️ I talked to my mum some days ago and even though I told her to only buy one thing for me, she`s now bought several things for me. Got me a little too curious. Crazy that she`ll be back next week.
❤️ Some days ago when I walked out of the university, this guy from the “Rainforest Foundation” wanted to talk to me. I said no to becoming a member, because I prefer doing things for myself and figure things out on my own. I`ve become more aware of what I can do for the earth and the environment, which means that I`ve been trying to stay away from meat as much as I can, I`ve stopped buying clothes fro H&M and been seeking more knowledge about sweatshops, I`ve tried to eat more ecological food and all in all I`m more into eco-friendly products and choices I can make. What do you think about me writing a post, in which I share some tips and tricks? I`m not a vegetarian and I understand that it can be difficult, but we can all do a little for our planet.
❤️ I`m hooked on the TV show “Catfish”. Does anyone else here watch it?! Max and Nev are cool and it`s so interesting. Some of the stories make me so happy or sad.
❤️ Thank you for the comments on the last post. The question makes me feel a little scared, because I honestly don`t know what I`d do if I only had 24 hours left to live. If I know myself right, I`d spend most of the time being sad. Even if I spent time with people I love and care about, I`d think deep down “I`m dying soon, hence all this”. I can`t imagine what it must be like for those who receive such awful news – my thoughts are with them.
❤️ Some days ago I watched the movie “the Theory of Everything”, which is based on Stephen Hawking`s life. I absolutely recommend the movie! So much was put into perspective and I learned so much about life. I`m thankful that my health is good and that I don`t really need to depend on anyone. I`m glad I can walk, touch the floor, talk… I`m glad I`m alive.