EASIER, BUT STILL SO DAMN DIFFICULT

“Shouldn`t ask you how you`re doing, because you`ll ask me the same, maybe just for the sake of it, and I don`t really know what to say”.

Imagine if I hadn`t gone to Pakistan, imagine the regrets I`d be having at this very moment. Imagine if I hadn`t changed the date of my ticket or stayed here. I don`t think I can explain properly to anyone how relieved I`m feeling. I can`t explain to anyone how lucky I feel for being given the opportunity to meet my grandfather one day before he died. I feel so incredibly lucky, I can`t say that enough times. It was worth the money, the effort, the time. Everything.

I just came back from spending a month in Pakistan and it goes without saying that I miss being there, especially with my family. It`s going to take time for me to “go back to normal”, but honestly? It feels like some people don`t understand these kind of things. It`s as if they expect you to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I`m glad it`s the holidays now, because it gave me the possibility to stay in Pakistan for a month and I don`t have to show up at school.

If you were to ask me how I`m doing, I don`t know. One moment I`m in tears, the next I feel okay. Since this is the third time a family member of mine has died, I sort of knew it was coming. It hurts to think that my grandfather is not physically among us anymore. I won`t be asking my mum how he`s doing because I know she talks to him at least once a week and I won`t be able to ever see him again. The idea of him not physically existing is still very new to me and just thinking about it makes me cry. I wish I had went to Pakistan in March to visit him. Despite everything, I feel quite good knowing that I went to see him one last time and knowing that I got to spend as much time as I got to spend with him considering I`m his oldest grandkid.

A part of me wants to delete everyone in my friend list and get on a plane as soon as possible, but that`s just my head. I`m glad I`m going to the Netherlands, I need changes in my life. I kind of wanted to cut my hair short again when I was in Pakistan – who knows if I end up doing that when I`m in the Netherlands. Social media is too much, most people are too much.

Everyone grieves in different ways and I know that I need time. Time to process it, time to get used to it even though I`ll never be completely used to him not being around. Time to… think about it, even though it hurts. Time to cry, to feel everything deeply. Hopefully it won`t hurt like this forever.

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//photo: source

 

 

 

 

 

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