And sometimes you think you won`t be able to go on anymore. You tell yourself you`re way too exhausted, you need to sleep, you can`t take one more step. Suddenly you`re ten steps ahead, without even realising it. You thought you were broken and therefore couldn`t walk anymore, but maybe the broken pieces inside you made you even more desperate to walk. Or maybe you know deep inside know it`s not the end of everything, it`s just a voice inside your head. You`re not as lost as you think you are, friend. You`re not that hopeless. Maybe you`re tired, maybe you do need to rest, but don`t you ever think you can`t go on anymore because maybe it`s when you`ve almost convinced yourself you can`t, that you actually can.
She looks at me and I already know what`s coming next
“so how have you been? What have you been doing?”
I could tell her so many things.
I`ve been studying, I`ve been visiting new places, I`ve been learning about new cultures and socities. I`ve been wondering if loneliness and over-thinking actually can kill people on the inside. I`ve been missing my grandmother, I know that`s perhaps nothing new, but it still matters. A lot. I`ve been thinking of things I`m going to do, quotes I`m going to save for 5 years older me. I`ve been missing people, thinking they probably don`t even miss me. I`ve been having nice conversations with people I love. I`ve been feeling lonely. I`ve been confused about life. I could go on and on like that.
Like so many other times, all that comes out of my mouth is:
“Nothing much, I`ve been doing okay. What about you?”
Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than gratitude.