THINGS I WANT TO SAY

❤️ The young generation that`s growing up now has become so used to stress about almost everything – school, social life, work, exercise, relations, how they look. I can get that people worry sometimes, but my generation is full of too much… tension? I talked to a girl yesterday who hasn`t joined university yet and is already stressing about her exams and grades, like why. Learn how to chill. This is coming from someone who failed on an exam during the first semester and is still doing completelyyyyy fine.

❤️ Everything works out well. Even if it doesn`t work out the way you wanted it too.

❤️ I read this on Twitter yesterday: “I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone`s trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse.”

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❤️ Be kind to others, even if they aren`t kind to you. It can be difficult; not necessarily because you don`t want to be kind to people, but because you wish others were kind to you. Still, be kind. It`ll do you and others well.

❤️ People will always keep talking, doesn`t matter what you do, really.

❤️ Negative things do happen in life when you don`t expect it, BUT amazing things will happen too when you expect it the least. My dream was to visit the Netherlands once and the Anne Frank Museum, and now I`m also going to live in the country for more than five months. Great things take time, but they do happen!

 

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DID YOU KNOW

did you know when you were leaving.

did your body give you any warnings

like “hey, I can`t do this anymore”.

did you already know

or

did your soul all of a sudden decided to go

like “hey, let`s go”.

 

did you know.

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//written by me. 

 

 

EASIER, BUT STILL SO DAMN DIFFICULT

“Shouldn`t ask you how you`re doing, because you`ll ask me the same, maybe just for the sake of it, and I don`t really know what to say”.

Imagine if I hadn`t gone to Pakistan, imagine the regrets I`d be having at this very moment. Imagine if I hadn`t changed the date of my ticket or stayed here. I don`t think I can explain properly to anyone how relieved I`m feeling. I can`t explain to anyone how lucky I feel for being given the opportunity to meet my grandfather one day before he died. I feel so incredibly lucky, I can`t say that enough times. It was worth the money, the effort, the time. Everything.

I just came back from spending a month in Pakistan and it goes without saying that I miss being there, especially with my family. It`s going to take time for me to “go back to normal”, but honestly? It feels like some people don`t understand these kind of things. It`s as if they expect you to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I`m glad it`s the holidays now, because it gave me the possibility to stay in Pakistan for a month and I don`t have to show up at school.

If you were to ask me how I`m doing, I don`t know. One moment I`m in tears, the next I feel okay. Since this is the third time a family member of mine has died, I sort of knew it was coming. It hurts to think that my grandfather is not physically among us anymore. I won`t be asking my mum how he`s doing because I know she talks to him at least once a week and I won`t be able to ever see him again. The idea of him not physically existing is still very new to me and just thinking about it makes me cry. I wish I had went to Pakistan in March to visit him. Despite everything, I feel quite good knowing that I went to see him one last time and knowing that I got to spend as much time as I got to spend with him considering I`m his oldest grandkid.

A part of me wants to delete everyone in my friend list and get on a plane as soon as possible, but that`s just my head. I`m glad I`m going to the Netherlands, I need changes in my life. I kind of wanted to cut my hair short again when I was in Pakistan – who knows if I end up doing that when I`m in the Netherlands. Social media is too much, most people are too much.

Everyone grieves in different ways and I know that I need time. Time to process it, time to get used to it even though I`ll never be completely used to him not being around. Time to… think about it, even though it hurts. Time to cry, to feel everything deeply. Hopefully it won`t hurt like this forever.

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//photo: source

 

 

 

 

 

A MESSY HEAD

I don`t think people realise how the things you go through, can make you strong and also get inside your bones and remind you forever of what you went through.

I`m not a person to stay mad forever, nor do I have the need to forgive others. But I can`t help being affected by what people do to me. I wonder if they`ve realised that the things they`ve said and done to others have affected them. Do they know that actions can hurt and do they know that words can hurt even more? I wonder if they`re okay, if they`ve all moved on, if they ever think of the pain they threw at me and then claimed it was “just a joke”. I wonder if they regret.

It`d be easy for me to sit here, be angry and think “why me?” And maybe I`m angry on the inside, because even though the storm is over, I`m dealing with the pain they threw at me. I remember a while ago I thought the bullying hadn`t really affected me that badly, all it pretty much did was make me stronger. Now I`m thinking that`s entirely not true – the bullying, along with other things, made it harder for me to trust people, rely on them. It`s become difficult for me to not be sceptical to what others are saying. The words “I care about you” mean something else now.

And just now I thought “oh, life`s weird, I`m off to another country, I`m going to stay there for some months and most likely be sceptical to others there too”. But I tell myself the next adventure is going to be different. Yeah, I`m going to another country, but that`s the whole point. No drama, I won`t know anyone and even better: nobody will know who I am.  even though the pain will be inside my suitcases and remind me of my story, it`ll be nice to get away from everything and everyone for a while,

Something inside me is telling me that`s what I need.

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THE SKY IS BLUE

The sky right now. It`s so beautiful, when it`s about to get dark. Honestly, sharing other pictures seem so pointless right now. Maybe because the blue sky can describe at least a little of how I`m feeling. I went to the university today and was relived when I got home. I`m glad I have a day off tomorrow. Right now books can comfort me more.

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The end of April is here and as if there aren`t enough problems already in this world, people are now shaming Avicii`s girlfriend… God, it makes me frustrated and so so sad. Someone has died and some people (most of them claim to be Avicii`s fans, but I`m pretty sure he wouldn`t be proud to call them that) are calling her “shameless”, because she posted a video in which her son was crying for Tim and because she posted a (very sentimental) letter in which she describes her relationship with Tim. Whether that was a good decision or not, is another discussion – but WHY can`t people be respectful, especially during a time like this and be kind to each other? Why can`t we pray for Tim, instead of calling others bad things? People are saying she`s doing it for fame and “poor Tim” because all she is is a “gold digger”. She never loved Tim and she should “die in the most horrible way”. They`re also literally shouting at her because she went to a concert a week after his death, instead of sitting at home, mourning. Very nice things to say to someone when they`ve just lost someone they loved and still love. This is why we`re not doing any better today.

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When are we going to learn? When.